Attention Deficit Theatre: “Mad Men,” Season Three, Episode Three

After a brief delay to buy nacho cheese Doritos and Visine, the Unbound Edition Players casually amble across the stage to take their places for this week’s presentation of “My Old Kentucky Home.” Who’s up for a Taco Bell run at intermission?

Scene: Sterling Cooper. The Patio account team is casting the Ann-Margret lookalike for the Patio spot.

Harry: Can you do the twist again, honey?

Bimbo: Can I! (Gyrates seductively)

Peggy: Bitch.

Harry: I am hornier than the rims of my glasses.

Sal: Did I leave the iron on at home?

(Kenny and Pete walk in)

Kenny: Bacardi's coming in on Tuesday to see if this "Daquiri Beach" campaign has legs. Don wants copy Monday morning and art Monday night.

Paul, Peggy and Sal: Work on the weekend? No way.

Pete: Way. The rest of us are going to Roger and Jane's Derby Day garden party. Good luck, gentles. (Walks out with Kenny)

Paul: We all started at the same time.

Sal: I've been here six years longer than you.

Peggy: And I started as a secretary. Look at me now!

Smitty: Hell, I'm just glad to still be on the show. I assumed I was done after that bongo playing Martinson's Coffee debacle.

Paul: Oh right. Where is Kurt these days?

Smitty: Written off after Peggy's ineffective makeover. Poor kid's studying air conditioner repair at the technical college.

Sal: You know, my unit's been acting up lately. Maybe I'll give him a call.

Savoy-Plaza Bellhop: Slut.

Scene: The open area at the office. Joan runs into Jane Sterling and her ridiculous hat.

Joan: Nice hat. Or did the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man poop on your head? (Blows smoke directly in her face.)

Jane: Hack, hack. Actually I was just off getting my rings resized. I keep losing weight. Wasting away to nothing.

Joan: Maybe it's cancer. Or your rotting soul.

Jane: Maybe. It's so great to see you, Joan. And there is so, so much of you to see. Be a doll and flag my driver down at 1:15?  I'd have asked one of the other ladies, but I know how comfortable you are on a street corner, and my driver will have no trouble spotting you.

Joan: Seethe.

Scene: That weekend at Paul's office. He, Smitty and Peggy are trying to come up with beachy copy for Bacardi.

Paul: We're supposed to sit here and pretend we're on vacation. Ken and Pete and the gang are probably drinking mint juleps and engaging in socially appropriate dancing.

Smitty: We need weed. Booze puts me to sleep.

Paul: Speaking of putting people to sleep, when I was at Princeton, I wrote my thesis on the passions of the stoics.

Smitty: Can you possibly be more of a fop?

Paul: Who's up for a frappe?

Smitty: Gah!

Scene: The office kitchen. Peggy's fetching the blender and runs into her secretary, Olive.

Peggy: What gives, old lady?

Olive: You're here, so I guess I have to be here.

Peggy: It's Saturday. You can go home.

Olive: Oh, I already cancelled my big plans to drive with my husband to visit our beloved, one and only son so I could dutifully sit here and tend to your every need. No, no. Don't mind me. Don't mind me at all.

Peggy: Sniff sniff. What's that smell?

Olive: Smell?

Peggy: Ah yes. A martyr burning. Carry on.

Scene: Paul's office. He summoned an old college buddy, Jeffrey, and his bag of drugs.

Jeffrey: Hello. I brought drugs. And I look like a young Tom Cruise. Who's got the need... the need... for speed? Yow!

Paul: What did you bring?

Jeffrey: Benzidine strips, dexies, boo, junk.

Smitty: Are you Tom Cruise or Barbara Billingsley in "Airplane?"

Paul: We just want some dope, Jeffrey.

Jeffrey: No problem. Show me the money!

Smitty: God you're an idiot. How exactly do you and Paul know each other?

Jeffrey: We sang together at Princeton. And we were great cocksmen.

Sal (entering): Hello, you.

Scene:  A little later in Paul's office. The boys are feeling the effects.

Jeffrey: Smoking pot in the office like this sure is Risky Business!

Smitty: Ug. Enough already.

(Peggy comes in, eyes Jeffrey)

Peggy: Who are you?

Jeffrey: Jeffrey Graves. Princeton '55. And I've got All the Right Moves!

Peggy: I'm Peggy Olson and I want to smoke some marijuana.

Jeffrey: You complete me.

Smitty: Kill me now.

Scene: Back at the Sterling party. Roger has taken the stage to serenade Jane with "My Old Kentucky Home." In blackface.

Roger: 'Tis summa, and the darkies are gaaaaaaaaaaay!

Audience's jaws: Drop!

Audience: Wiener must have been totally high when he wrote this.

Ted Danson: Psst! Hey Roger! Not funny. Not funny. Trust me on this. Not. Funny.

Roger: How not funny? Three Men and a Little Lady not funny? Mad Money not funny?

Ted Danson: Like, Made in America not funny.

Roger: Ouch. We're done here. And scene.

Scene: The clubhouse bar. Don walks in and sees a man in a tux behind the bar.

Don: Hidey. Can I get an old-fashioned?

Man: I don't work here. I'm Connie. I'm here for a wedding.

Don: Connie, eh? So who's the lucky groom, sweet heart?

Connie: Har har. It's Conrad. I'm from San Antonio, New Mexico.

Don: Wait. Conrad from San Antonio, New Mexico?

Connie: Yep.

Don: Dude, you're totally Conrad Hilton.

Connie: Guilty.

Don: Born 1887 in San Antonio, New Mexico.

Connie: That's right. What, are you reading my Wikipedia entry?

Don: Yeah. Says you married Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Connie: Dahling! It's true, I'm a stud.

Don: Says you raped Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Connie: Oh. Uh, hey, isn't there something in there about the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation? Millions awarded for humanitarian efforts?

Don: Your genes are responsible for Paris Hilton.

Connie: That was cold. Let's review your Wikipedia entry, shall we?

Don: Whoah, whoah. Hold up there, Connie.

Connie: Here we are... Says you're the son of a whore, you stole your commanding officer's identity after blowing him up in Korea and you're a serial adulterer.

Don: Well played, old man. Whatta ya say we call a truce and go pee in rich people's trunks?

Connie: Deal.

Scene: Paul's office.

Jeffrey: I wish I had a job. Maybe a bartender in Cocomo. Or a pool hustler. Maybe a race car driver.

Paul:  You ah a drug pooshah.

Jeffrey: What's with the accent? You're arrogant and you can't sing.

Paul: Take. It. Back. I left the Tiger Tones because I had mono. And all that cocksmanning was wearing me out.

Sal (entering): Hello, you.

Jeffrey: Prove it. Sing something now.

Paul: Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gaaaaal...Send me a kiss by wiiiiiire... Baby my heart's on fiiire! If you... refuse me... (Jeffrey joins in) Honey... ya loooooose me... Then you'll be left alone!

Michigan J. Frog's Tiny, Formaldehyde-Embalmed, Jar-Entombed Corpse: Spin! Spin!

Peggy: I am so high.

Scene: Dinner party at the home of Joan and her new husband, Greg. They're entertaining Dr. Roland Ettinger and his wife Irene and Other Doctor Guy and Nameless Pregnant Wife.

Nameless Pregnant Wife: I'll cut the cheese.

Audience: Heh.

Nameless Pregnant Wife: Hey, Joan, did you know that all of the doctors have a special "code pink" when there's a hot, unconscious broad in the hospital?

Joan: Wow. Hard to imagine my husband forcing himself upon an attractive, immobile female. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to inject small doses of cyanide into the roast.

(The women follow her into the kitchen)

Irene: Oh, look at your wee apartment. For the love of god, don't have kids so young. It never works out.

Nameless Pregnant Wife: Huh?

Betty's Fetus: Hic!

Sally Draper (smoking, drinking and stealing cash from Gene's money clip): Hey!

Glen Bishop (stroking a dirty clump of Betty's hair): Hissss!

Two-Year-Old Clone of Pete Campbell, Somewhere in an East Coast Orphanage: Hells bells!

Scene: Back at the Sterling party. The band starts to play.

Pete and Trudy: Oh boy! The Charleston! (They dance enthusiastically)

Pete: Wheeee! Look at me go! I'm like a praying mantis with rhythm!

Trudy: My cheeks are paralyzed from all of this smiling! Woooo!

Pete: Everyone, look at meeeee! Stir the pot! Stir. It. Stir. It. Stir. It.

Don: Just when I thought Roger was the biggest douche at the party...

Pete: Big finish! Go crazy, Lovely. It's not like we have to worry about your fertility falling out!

Audience: High. Definitely high.

Scene: Paul's office. They're stoned, still thinking about rum.

Paul: This is the way the world ends! This is the way the world ends! This is the way the world ends!

Smitty: We get it. You're a paranoid asshole. Let's go up to the roof, Peggy.

(Peggy lapses into a trance-like state)

Peggy: That's. A. Good. Idea. A. Hammock. Between. Two. Clothes. Lines. Daquiri. Beach.

Smitty: Whoa. High Peggy sounds a lot like normal Betty.

Peggy: You. Both. Can. Leave. I'm. In. A. Very. Good. Place. Right. Now.

(She floats back to Olive's desk)

Peggy: Hellooooooo. What's. Up?

Olive: I've been crushing ice with my sphincter for the last eight hours. I know what you've been doing. You're not thinking about your future.

Peggy: I. Have. A. Job. My. Name's. On. The. Door. And. I. Have. My. Own. Marm. For. A. Secretary. I'm. Not. Scaaaaaared.

Olive: You're freaking me out here, sister.

Peggy: But. You. Are. Scaaaaaared. Don't. Worry. About. Me. I'm. Going. To. Do. Everything. You. Want. For. Me. I'm. Fiiiiiiine. Your. Collar. Is. Sooooooo. Pretty.

Olive: Um. I'll be going now.

Peggy: I. Need. You. To. Set. Up. My. Dictaphone. Then. Fetch. Me. A. Glass. Of. Water. And. My. Relaxacizor.

Pete's Couch Cushion: If she sends for me, tell her I'm at the dry cleaner's.

Scene: Joan and Greg's dinner party

Dr. Ettinger: Hey, Greg. Sorry about that patient you killed. If my wife looked like Joan, I'd be rushing through my surgeries to get home, too.

Joan: What was that?

Greg: Huh? What? I didn't hear anything. Joan, show these folks your big red box.

Audience: Gasp!

Joan: Oh no. I'm so out of practice.

Audience: Seize!

Greg: Oh stop. You're being modest. You have so many talents. Let's get everything strapped on.

Guests: Convulse!

(Joan appears with an accordion, belts out "C'est Magnifique")

Audience: So, so high.

Scene: Evening at the Sterling party. Jane stumbles at the buffet line and drops her food. Don and Betty pick her up.

Jane: Oh my God! You're pregnant! You're such a beautiful couple. I knew you'd get back together, no matter how many girls Don screwed.

Betty: Glare.

Jane: Why don't you like me? I'm a nice person. Well, except for that whole drunken, homewrecking whore part.

Roger: What the hell?

Don: Your wife's wasted.

Roger: I don't know what I did to get under your skin. Was it when I came to your house and hit on Betty? Was it when I had a heart attack, drawing all sorts of attention to us while we were cheating on our wives with those two models? Was it when I pushed Bertram to sell the business while you were away? Was it when I screwed your receptionist, then left my wife and told her it was your idea? Some friend you are, Don. I guess my mom was right when she said people don't like when you're conspicuously happy.

Don: No one thinks you're happy, they think you're foolish. And you smell like shoe polish.

(Don walks over to Betty, standing alone in the dark)

Don: Mwah.

Betty: Mwaaaaaaaah.

Don: Let's go find Roger's car and pee in the trunk.

(curtain down)

Wow. That was about the most surreal hour of television in recent memory. A fine improvement from last week’s dull Ode to Gene. Interesting to see how the whole have/have not/you’re in/you’re out thing played out with everyone. The Amazing Dancing Campbells could not have been more awkward. And as if Joan needed anything more pitiful in her sad marriage to Dr. Date Rapist than a forced performance on the squeezebox. Will Conrad Hilton reappear in a future episode and give the Hilton account to Don? Strange to set that up and not have it go anywhere, but the Weiner is wily that way.

Next week’s episode, “The Arrangements,” promises some more time with Salvatore, who’s handed the Patio spot to direct. Any bets that the perky Ann-Margret role will be recast as a bellboy?

Revisit ADT Season I and Season II, as well as the first and second recap of Season III.

Follow Kristin Ament on Twitter.

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