Attention Deficit Theatre: “Mad Men,” Season Three, Episode Eight

 

Bitter and jetlagged, the Unbound Edition Players present "The Souvenir."

(curtain up)

 

Scene: Late afternoon in Pete's office. Hildy has brought in some paperwork.

Hildy: It's 5 o'clock. I'm off to a girl's weekend at Saltaire.

Pete: Ewww. Mosquitos.

Hildy: Nah. My vampiric white skin repels them.

Pete: A thing like that!

(Paul, Harry and Kenny walk in)

Kenny: Still working, Campbell? No need to show off. Cooper's in Montana. Sterling's in Jane, and Draper's on vacation.

Harry: I'd love to get out of this hellhole in August.

Pete: Not me. I love this time of year. It's so quiet. When I was young, I used to lie in bed at night, hearing horses going by.

Kenny: Horses? Who are you, Pa Ingalls?

Pete: Who's up for drinks at the saloon in Mankato?

 

Scene: The Draper House. Don has returned from a business trip to Dallas for Hilton.

Phone: Ring ring.

Betty: Draper residence. Don, it's for you. It's Mr. Hilton's office.

(Don picks up the phone)

Don: What? When? Pan Am? Alrighty then.

Betty: Where now?

Don: Connie wants me to go to Rome for two days. Hot Italian stewardesses, here I come!

Betty: Poor, pitiful me. You've been gone all summer.

Don: No reason you can't come.

Betty: Don't we have a baby somewhere?

Don: Oh, shoot! The baby. That's too bad. Arrivederci, Betts.

 

Scene: Pete's apartment building. After spending the day eating cereal and giggling at "Davey and Goliath," he takes a jaunt past the garbage chute and spots a young woman crying.

Pete: Are you trying to put it in or pull it out?

Girl: It's stuck.

Pete: Let ol' Peter in that chute. Don't worry, I'll pull it out. I won't let you get in trouble. King of the pull-out, right here!

(He pulls a stained party dress out of the chute)

Girl: I had zis party and I borrowed zis dress and zis happened and she's coming home on Saturday.

Pete: You're the Lawrences' au pair. What's your name?

Girl: Gurdukkblubblub.

Pete. I'm Peter. What was your name again?

Girl: Gurduhblubblub.

Pete: (blank stare)

Girl: Gurdukkblubblub. I'm German. Everysing vee say sounds like a belch.

Pete: That's so hot. Here, let me see what I can do with this. I have a little experience with stain removal.

Pete's Couch Cushion: Indeed.

 

Scene: The town hall meeting. Betty and her fellow Junior Leagers have petitions against the Pleasantville reservoir development.

Francine: Where's your little friend?

Betty: I don't know.

Henry: Here I am!

Betty: Beam!

Henry: Mr. Mayor, I'm the governor's public relations lackey. By the power vested in me by this official-looking letter I'm waving around, I demand you delay your development!

Mayor: An official-looking letter, you say? OK then. Development of the reservoir is suspended until further notice!

All: Hurray!

(A little later in the parking lot)

Betty: Wow, you really whipped it out and swung it around in there.

Henry: It seemed to satisfy you.

Betty: I've gone through a pack of cigarettes in the last ten minutes.

Henry: I thought, dear God, did I have anything to do with that?

Betty: You did.

Henry: Give me some sugar, baby.

Betty: Mwah. Mwah.

 

Scene: Later that night in the Draper bedroom. Betty's wide awake.

Betty: Don. (Shakes him) Don!

Don: Wha? I'm up.

Betty: It's not time to wake up.

Don: Yet awake I now am. Fool.

Betty: I want to come with you to Rome. Is it too late?

Don: I dunno, Betts.

Betty: I'll put out constantly.

Don: Get your passport.

 

Scene: The Bonwit Teller department store. Pete is in the ladies' dress department.

Pete: Pardon me. Do you work here?

Clerk: The men's room is a flo-ah down.

Pete: I don't need the men's room. This is just how I walk. (Taking out the dress) Can you help me with this?

Clerk: Changing rooms are in the front, they-ah, but that cuh-lah is all wrong for you.

Pete: Hell's bells! Let me speak to someone abreast of proper customer service standards!

Clerk: Abreast, you say? Hold on.

Joan: May I help you?

Pete: Joan? Is that you?

Joan: Yes Pete, it is. Lenscrafters is one floor down.

Pete: No, I'm trying to return this. Trudy spilled wine.

Joan: Size ten? Must run small.

Pete: Okay, maybe I spilled it.

Joan: What you wear at home is your business, Pete. Take this piece of paper downstairs, and they'll give you a new dress.

Pete: How are you?

Joan: I'm good. Greg's considering a career counseling people on how to deal with feelings of inadequacy, stress and disappointment without resorting to physical violence or substance abuse, so I'm sure that'll work out.

Pete: How are you?

Joan: Never been better. How's the office?

Pete: Just fine. How are you?

Joan: Take the paper downstairs, Pete.

Pete: Thanks. I'd appreciate if you didn't mention this to Trudy. This whole thing was fraught with drama.

Joan: Secret's safe with me. Don't miss the new blouses on the way out. There's a green vee-cut that would accentuate your... uh... Trudy's eyes.

Pete: Thanks, Joan. So how are you?

Joan: I'm calling security.

 

Scene: Evening in Rome. Betty is all gussied up after a trip to the beauty salon and sits alone at a table at the Hilton's outdoor restaurant next to two Italian guys.

Italian Guy #1: Your sexy, foot-high beehive is making my cannoli tingle.

Betty (speaking labored Italian): You're not a gentleman. (Lights cigarette)

Italian Guy #2: If I was that cigarette in your mouth, I'd die of happiness. Or cancer.

(Don walks past and sits at the table next to Betty)

Don: Excuse me, Miss. Is there room for AskMen.com's Most Influential Man of the Year at your table?

Betty: Swoon!

Italian Guy #1: Go away, Yankee. No one reads AskMen.com.

Don: I'm only in Rome for one night. I won't have my heart broken.

(He sits next to Betty and the two guys walk away, defeated)

Betty: Let's go upstairs and have hot Italian sex.

Don's Spicy Meatballs: Pronto!

 

Scene:  Pete's apartment building. He's all proud as he delivers the new dress to Gurdukkblubblub.

Pete: Well, aren't you a lucky girl?

Gurdukkblubblub: It's like new. Zank you, Mistah Peetah!

Pete: We should celebrate. What do you like? Beer, Riesling? Schnapps?

Gurdukkblubblub: Nein. I have ze boyfriend.

Pete: Is he really neat and efficient? Humorless? Blonde?

Gurdukkblubblub: Your cultural stereotypes offend me. Please leave. I must go shop for ze lederhosen for Hanz, then make him ze pretzels.

Scene: Later that night after Pete has had a few drinks. He's back at Gurdukkblubblub's door.

Pete: Oh. I woke you.

Gurdukkblubblub: What do you vant?

Pete: It was a lot of trouble to pull out and clean up the stain on your dress. I deserve to see it on you.

Gurdukkblubblub: OK, but be quiet.

(She takes him back to her room)

Pete: This is cozy.

Gurdukkblubblub: I'll go get ze dress.

Pete: I'd like to kiss you. Mwah.

Bedspread: Achtung, Gurdukkblubblub! Achtung!

 

Scene: The next day at Pete's apartment.

Door: Ding dong!

(Pete opens the door)

Ed: Mr. Campbell, I'm Ed Lawrence from apartment 14C.

Pete's pants: Fill.

Ed: You know, we have this German au pair working for us.

Pete: A thing like that! No. No, I didn't.

Ed: Yes you did.

Pete: Yes. Yes, I did.

Ed: Look, it's August... the sound of horses and covered wagons going down Park Avenue at night would make any pioneer man hot and bothered. But I've spent the day refilling Kleenex boxes.

Pete: I don't understand.

Ed: It's a lightweight, durable facial tissue invented by Kimberly-Clark during WWI, but that's not important right now. It took forever to find a nanny ugly enough for my wife to keep around. Dip your bratwurst in someone else's mustard, mkay?

 

Scene: The next morning at Pete's apartment. Trudy has returned from her trip.

Trudy: Mwah! I missed you. I missed every part of you.

Trudy's hand: Grope. Grope. Clutch. Clutch.

Pete's Every Part: Whoa! Too soon! Too soon!

Pete: Um, I have to go to work.

Trudy: Did you miss me a little?

(Pete looks down all glum)

Trudy: What's wrong? And why do your hands smell like sauerkraut?! (storms out of the room)

 

Scene: Later that evening at Pete's apartment. He has come home from work.

Pete: Hello.

Trudy: I made some salads. Hearts of palm, tomatoes, olives, hemlock...

Crippling Tension: Hidey.

Trudy: I made a stone fruit salad for dessert. Sudden urge to cut up little fleshy balls.

Pete: Shudder. I don't want you to go away without me anymore.

(1.2 seconds of silence pass)

Trudy: Good! I won't. Yay! We're so very, very happy together now. So, how was your day?

Area Rug Under Table: Hoist.

Debilitating Marital Issue: Sweep. Sweep.

 

Scene: That evening in the Draper bedroom. Don and Betty have returned from their Roman holiday.

Don's Hand: Fondle. Fondle.

Betty: Keep your influence to yourself.

Don: What gives?

Betty: I hate this place. I hate our friends. I hate this town.

Don: Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was your day? Go look on your pillow, hag.

(Betty opens a box to find a gold Colosseum charm)

Don: I saw it in the gift shop before we left and had Connie send it. I'll put it on your bracelet.

Betty: Yay. I'll have something to remember Rome by when I'm bailing Sally out of jail for sexually assaulting her prom date. (mopes into the bathroom)

Don's Manicotti: Scuzi, but I believe it's just you and me tonight, Signor.

Italian Man #2: Heh. 

(curtain down)

 

Um, hooray for marital bliss. In one corner, we have the Drapers, who have been married for a decade, have three kids, cheat on each other and have to do role playing in another country to get turned on. In the other corner, we have the Campbells, who are newlyweds, infertile, but are willing to look the other way after Pete plays Lonely Goatherd with the spitting image of Maria in "The Sound of Music." Yeah, what could possibly go wrong there over time? And is it just me, or does the show flatline when it leaves Sterling Cooper? Fortunately, we're back there in next week's episode, "The Wee Small Hours," and Don is in excellent form.

 

Revisit recaps for ADT Season I, II and III.

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