Attention Deficit Theatre: "Mad Men," Season Three, Episode 11

Grab yourself a steaming bowl of Rice-a-Pony and sit back while the Unbound Edition Players present "The Gypsy and the Hobo."

(curtain up)

 

Scene: The Draper kitchen. Betty and the kids are packed up for a trip to Philadelphia to check out her parents' house.

Sally: They thell them at Woolworthth. Thereth a thection that sayth "Halloween Cothtumth."

Don: It's crappy plastic. You'll wear it once.

Sally: Nuh-uh. I'm alwayth gonna love Minnie Mouth. Yethiree, my rethpect for her ith eternal. Like Mommy's rethpect for you!

Crickets: Chirp.

Betty: Let's go, kids. Hey, Don. I only have $40.

Don: Go by the bank. There should be at least $200 in your "Kept Woman" account.

Betty:  Boy, if only there was a drawer overflowing with unmarked bills nearby!

Don: Ha! Sorry Betts, all our money has been spent wisely on mortgages, smokes, epileptic loners and naughty schoolboy costumes...

Betty: What's that?

Don: I'd better get that phone! Conrad calling, no doubt. I sense an all-nighter!

Betty: I didn't hear anything.

Don: Woo boy, look at the time. You'd better get on the road. Take care, Betts.

 

Scene: Bert Cooper's office. An old client has dropped by.

Bert: Hey, lookee here, Rog. It's your former lover, Annabelle Mathis.

Annabelle. Hi, sailor.

Roger: Helloooo sexy. So you divorced what's-his-name?

Annabelle. David died.

Roger: Oh.

Don (lighting up): Cigarette, Annabelle?

Annabelle. Of lung cancer.

Don: Oh. Bottle of saccharine-loaded Patio?

Annabelle: Perfect.

Bert: Speaking of questionable ingredients, how'd that horse meat exposé work out for your company?

Annabelle: Not so good. Get this: people are creeped out by the thought of their dog eating horses. I don't know why. People eat horse all over the world.

Don: I've eaten it. There's horse kabobs, horse creole, horse gumbo...

Annabelle: We have to keep the name Caldecott Farms, so give me your best ideas. I'm here until Friday.

Don: ...There's pineapple horse, lemon horse, coconut horse, pepper horse, horse soup, horse salad...

Annabelle: I'm only meeting with the big firms.

Roger: Well, I'm not gonna brag about how big I am, but let's just say it's appropriate that we're talking horses here.

Don: ...horse and potatoes, horse burger, horse sandwich...

 

Scene: That night at Suzanne's apartment. Don is waiting for her when she comes home.

Don and Suzanne: Mwah.

Suzanne: I'm making spaghetti with cream, butter and cheese.

Don: Awesome. I've always wanted to pull a Roger and have a heart attack while straddling my mistress.

(Later in the bedroom)

Suzanne: Sorry, Don. I just want more than I thought I'd want from you.

Don: Hey now. Just how much more could you have been expecting? I'm not gonna brag about how big I am, but let's just say it's appropriate we're standing near this bedpost here.

Suzanne: Oh never mind.

Don: Howsabout we ditch work this week and run off together?

Suzanne: Hooky nooky? I'm in.

 

Scene: The next morning in Roger's office. He's practicing his chip shot.

Phone: Ring. Ring.

Roger: Hello?

Joan: Hey. It's Joan. How's it going?

Roger: Hooker's rearranged the secretaries alphabetically.

Joan: By cup size?

Roger: I know where you'd be sitting.

Joan: I'm not gonna brag about how big I am, but let's just say it's appropriate that we're talking Hookers here. And speaking of gigantic boobs, my husband wants to be a psychiatrist now, so I need help finding a job so he can get more training.

Roger: Do you want to come back here?

Joan: I've been replaced. And I could make more money selling Pete halter tops.

Roger: I like that you're thinking of me. I'll see what I can do.

 

Scene: Gene's house. Betty and William meet with Milton the lawyer about selling the property.

William: Woo-hoo! I can't wait to move in! So you think I can buy Betty out for $1.98?

Milton: Dammit, Bill. I'm a lawyer, not a realtor. But, no. In the will, Gene specifically set out to screw you.

William: This is ugly, Betty! (Stomps out.)

Betty: Gah! ABC shows have no production value. These glasses! These braces! This wig! I'm hideous! Milton, I need your help!

Milton: Dammit, Betts, I'm a lawyer, not a wig-fitter!

Betty: I mean I need your advice about my husband. I just found out some compromising information about my marriage. Don was married before. He bought her a house. He's a Dick.

Milton: You'll lose everything if you leave. He can even keep the kids. Is he a good, uh, provider?

Betty: I'm not going to brag about how big he is, but let's just say it's appropriate we're talking about splitting assets.

Milton: Has he secretly replaced the fine coffee you serve with Folgers Crystals?

Betty: God no. How could you even suggest he'd do something so horrible? What kind of a monster  do you think he is?

Milton: Exactly. Now go home and give it a try.

 

Scene: That evening at Joan's apartment. She comes home and finds Greg parked on the couch.

Joan: How did your big psychiatry interview go?

Greg: I'm a moron. I screwed up all of my answers and couldn't remember the articles I was supposed to cite. Do you think less of me?

Joan: I couldn't possibly think less of you. Besides, I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

Greg: Stop acting like you know everything! I don't want to be a shrink. It's not real medicine.

Joan: I don't care what you do as long as you get your sorry ass off the couch. We need money. It's time to move the hell on, buddy.

Greg: You don't know what it's like to want something your whole life and then have it be a big turd in your punch bowl when you finally get it.

(Joan eyes her wedding ring)

Vase of flowers: Hurl!

Greg's skull: Crash!

Joan: Heavens! I must have Freudian slipped!

Greg: I don't get it.

Joan: Of course you don't.

 

Scene: Sterling-Cooper. Annabelle and others are gathered to watch a Caldecott Farms focus group of three owners and their dogs.

Dog Owners: Golly. Our pups sure do love this mystery food they're eating!

Moderator: What if I told you your dogs were eating...wait for it... Caldecott Farms?

Dog Owners: Gasp!

Charleton Heston (bursting in to the testing room): It's peeeeeeeeeeopllllllllllle! Caldecott Farms is peeeeeeeeeeopllllllllllle!

Moderator: Security! Get this man out of here!

Charleton Heston (fighting off security): Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape! PEEEEEEEEOPLLLLLLLE!

Annabelle: Turn it off!

Peggy: Um, it's actually happening.

Don: Turn the sound off, you twit!

Peggy: Oh.

Annabelle: I already know how people feel. You're supposed to fix it! Fix it!

Don: Look, toots. The name's poisoned. You need to change it.

Annabelle: Screw you. I'm going to wait it out.

Charleton Heston (bursting back into the room): PEEEEEEEEOPLLLLLLLE!

(Annabelle stomps out. Roger follows her into the kitchen.)

Roger: Is this About Last Night?

Annabelle: I don't remember it.

Roger: Agreed. Entirely forgettable movie. I do like Jim Belushi, though.

Annabelle: You like Jim Belushi? You do want to hurt me.

Roger: You broke my heart.

Annabelle: You were the one.

Roger: You weren't.

Annabelle: Ass. Goodbye.

Jim Belushi: Heh. I'm not looking so bad right now, am I?

 

Scene:  The Draper house at night. Suzanne's waiting outside in the car while he runs inside quickly to get something before their romantic getaway.

Sally: Daddy?

Don's Pants: Fill.

Don: Um. I left my hat in the car.

Betty: Get it later. I need to talk to you.

Don's Pants: Fill.

(She leads him into his office.)

Betty: Open this drawer.

Don: Betts, that's my desk.

(She throws down the keys.)

Betty: Open this drawer or I will!

Seams of Don's Pants: Kaboom!

Betty: You know I know what's in there.

Don: It's my Dick in a Box*.

Betty: Who's the first wife? She looks like she's sucking a lemon. 

Don: It wasn't romantic.

Betty: Is that a harelip?

Don: There was an accident. All I had to do was become Don Draper and I could leave Korea.

Betty: What would you do if you were me?

Don: I'd sit around drinking and smoking all day while everyone else on the show acted circles around me. Then on Golden Globe and Emmy night, I'd sit at home alone, sobbing into a frozen pizza.

Betty: Such a Dick.

 

Scene: A little later in the Draper bedroom. Don's holding the box.

Don: Sit with me. (He rifles through the photos.)

Don: This was my father, Archibald Whitman. He was no friend of hog fat.

Betty: Is that your mother?

Don: No. My mom was a 22 year old prostitute who died giving birth to me.

Betty: Ick.

Don: That's Abigail Whitman, who raised me. Then Arch died and she took up with Uncle Mack.

Betty: Wow. Quite the Whitman Sampler.** What happened to them?

Don: They're dead.

Betty: Even your brother Adam?

Don: Yes. He killed himself. Sob. Sob. I turned him away. Bawl. Bawl. He just wanted to be a part of my life and I couldn't risk all of this. Emote. Emote.

Academy of Television Arts & Sciences: We have a winner!

Don: Eat THAT, Bryan Cranston!

 

Scene: That evening at Joan's apartment. She's setting the table while Greg comes home toting flowers.

Greg: I'm so sorry, Joannie. I realized the answer was in front of me all along. I'm in the army now!

Joan: Um, what?

Greg: Their standards are low, so I can be a surgeon. Just six weeks of basic training, and then I could be off to Germany. Or maybe somewhere even more glamorous, like Vietnam, if that minor scuffle's still going on. I'll be a captain, so you won't have to work! Whee!

Joan: That's so wonderful! Mwah! Wow, Vietnam? What could possibly go wrong?

Greg. Get your coat, because we're going out. No soup for you! We are living the dream!

Joan: I love the smell of naivete in the evening!

 

Scene: Halloween night at the Draper house. Don returns home after a day of work, which included calling Suzanne to tell her they're on a break.

Sally: Do I look like a gypthee?

Don: You sure do.

Bobby: I'm homeless!

Don: Awesome. Let's all go trick-or-treating.

(A few minutes later at Carlton and Francine's house)

Doorbell: Ding dong!

Sally and Bobby: Trick or treat!

Carlton: Well, hello there. We've got a gypsy and a hobo. (He looks at Don.) Who are you supposed to be?

Don: I was born in the wagon of a travelin' show. My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw.

Carlton: Huh?

Bobby: Papa would do whatever he could.

Sally: Preach a little gothpel.

Baby Eugene: Sell a couple bottles of Doctor Good.

Draper Family: Gypsies, tramps and thieves! We'd hear it from the people of the town, they'd call us gypsies, tramps and thieves...

(The Draper family closes the show with a rousing musical performance, complete with jazz hands.)

(curtain down)

 

*/**Special thanks to the Sterling Cooper Yahoo Group for the hilarious naming session for Don's box of shame.

Now THAT was an episode. The look on Don's face when he realized the proverbial jig was up was tragic and perfect. And were you all also waiting for Suzanne to sashay into the house, all "Honey, what's the holdup?" I still think Betty's too much of a weenie to end it with Don, especially now that  she knows his old Dick life was pretty pathetic. Plus, come on. He's Don Draper. Interesting to see that Roger has the capacity to turn a woman down, but I'm willing to bet that "the one" he mentioned was Joan, not Jane. Agree?

In next week's episode, "The Grown-Ups," Pete "makes big career decisions." Will Duck's plan to lure him away from Sterling-Cooper work? And in this preview, it sounds as if replacing Salvatore is an expensive endeavor. Dare we hope that they'll bring Lady Romano back?

Revisit recaps for ADT Season I, II and III.

Follow Kristin Ament on Twitter. Unbound Edition is a publication of brand capital consultancy Patrick Davis Partners. For the Mad Men of today, we curate the latest brand and marketing articles from across the web and share our own thoughts on current brand strategies and marketing initiatives.

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