Attention Deficit Theatre: “Mad Men,” Season Three, Episode 10

 

After 40 years of lying, cheating and stealing together, the Unbound Edition Players and their barely functioning livers reunite to present “The Color Blue.”

(Curtain up)

 

Scene: The Draper kitchen. Betty is barking out the grocery list to Carla while the kids sit at the table.

Sally: Why don't we ever go to church?

Betty: Um. We do.

Sally: Only on Chrithmath. Carla goeth every week. Golly, theeth a good perthon.

Betty: My feet hurt.

Carla: Must be the flames a-lickin' from hell. I'll have the soles on those heels replaced with asbestos while I'm running errands later.

(Don comes home from work)

Don: How was school today, Sally?

Bobby: How come you never ask me?

Don: Because you're irrelevant. You're the third actor to play Bobby in as many seasons. It's a rotating door, my friend, and I'm sure you'll be spinning your way out any day now. Any day.

Sally: My career is thyrocketing. I've been cathd in new movieth tharring Danny Devito and Kenneth from "30 Rock!"

Don: Oooh, a Danny Devito movie! I hear that's how Dakota Fanning got her start.

Betty: Are you going to sleep here tonight, Don? (grabs a feather duster and removes the cobwebs from her loins)

Don: Nope. Sorry. I have to work. Work, work, work. Pulled a hammy last night I worked it so hard!

 

Scene: Later that night at Suzanne's apartment.

Don: Hidey. I'm here to work. Hard.

Suzanne: Ahhh... the daily grind.

Don: Come here and I'll punch your time card.

 

Scene: The next morning in Don's office. The Aqua Net team presents a television concept in the form of a little play.

Kenny: Oh Christ. It's Paul Kinsey Theater. Everyone have their ascot?

Paul: Aqua Net. Dramatic pause. Is about. Pause. Hold and beauty. I now present. Pause. "Double Date."

(He, Peggy, and the team act out a commercial about two couples in a car, where the woman in the back seat has her hair whipping all over while the woman in the front retains her lovely, helmeted 'do and "arrives in style.")

Don: Back up there, Mr. Welles. There was WAY too much story there. Women are too stupid to follow anything after "and then."

Peggy: I'll step in now with my great "kerchief in a can" concept.

Don: Brilliant, Peggy. Keep working on that. And then we'll talk about Western Union.

Paul: Whoa, Don. Allow me to translate for Peggy: Aqua Net, good. Next, Western Union.

Peggy: Keep it up, Paul. And then they'll be pulling something much larger than a kerchief from your can. Follow?

 

Scene: That night in Suzanne's apartment. Don has reported for "work" again.

Suzanne: I want to scream.

Don: Screaming is for amateurs.

Person at Door: Knock, knock.

Don: Aaaah! Aaaaah!

(Suzanne goes to the door while Don flails around getting dressed)

Suzanne. It's my brother. I want you to meet him.

Don: My record with brothers ain't so good.

Ghost of Adam: Agreed.

(Don and Suzanne walk into the kitchen)

Suzanne: Danny, I'd like you to meet my, um, friend, Don.

Danny: Sorry to interrupt. I'm not a junkie. Oh my god, you think I'm a junkie, don't you? Look away, I'm hideous.

Don: Uh. Great to meet you.

Suzanne: He has fits.

Don: Alrighty then. I wish you the best, buddy. Gotta be on my way now. Doodly doo. I'll call you, Sooz.

(Don leaves)

Danny: He sure knows how to leave a room. Is it because he thinks I'm a junkie?

Suzanne: You don't know him. You'll see. Everything's going to be fine.

Ghost of Adam: Psst! Kid! The last time a plot involved Don, a brother, and a $5,000 bonus... they found the brother hanged!

Danny: Seize! Seize!

 

Scene: The wee hours of the morning at Sterling Cooper. Paul and Peggy have been working separately on Western Union ideas, and Peggy prepares to go home.

Paul: I need a little inspiration!

(Pours another drink, turns up the music, pulls out a still from the Maidenform campaign and unbuckles his pants)

Audience: Oh.

Rag on Paul's desk: NOOOO!

(Peggy approaches Paul's office)

Audience: Oh no.

Paul: Oh god!

Little Paul: Oh boy!

(Peggy stops. Heads for the exit.)

Audience: Whew!

 

Scene: Two minutes later. Paul emerges, disheveled, from his office. In the afterglow, he runs into the janitor.

Paul: Hi. I'm Paul. 

Janitor: Achilles. (Eyes Paul's unzipped fly) Forgive me if I don't shake hands.

Paul: Whew! I'm beat. I'll just steal food from the fridge, here. So, what, you're Greek?

Achilles: Yup. At our family parties, say "Achilles" and all the men turn their heads.

Paul: Why? You a Urologist?

Achilles: No, we...

Paul: SHHHH!!! Wait! I've thought of something brilliant. I shall sleep very soundly tonight. I wish you the same.

Achilles: Then lend me one of those Maidenform ads...

 

Scene: The next morning in Paul's office. He is passed out on his couch and Lois wakes him up.

Lois: Paul! It's 9 a.m.

Paul: Jesus. You still work here? Dismembering an executive isn't grounds for termination?

Freddy, Duck and Bert: That's such bullshit.

Paul: I need you to type something for me. (He rummages through his desk and trash can) Uh, did you come in and touch anything?

Lois: (Eyes errant rag) No. Looks like you were touching things just fine yourself.

Paul: Cute. I'm sure it ended up on my desk somewhere.

Lois: Gross. I'll bring you the furniture polish.

 

Scene: Lane Pryce's office. He practices a speech for the upcoming 40th anniversary party for Sterling Cooper in front of John Hooker.

John: Very rousing, Sah.

Phone: Ring ring.

(John answers)

John: Sah, it's London calling. To the imitation zone.

The One Fan of the Clash Reading This: Forget it, brother, and go it alone.

Harold: Oy oy, Lane. We're calling for a status report on our little party.

Lane: Hooker's aroused. We've dismantled the Deere. It's going swimmingly. Except Cooper's bailing.

Harold: We expect all of the flowers in the vahhhhse. They'll help us find a suitor.

Lane: Wha?

(St. John Smith grabs the phone)

St. John: Sterling Cooper is for sale.

Lane: Why? We've reduced staff and increased revenue by 22 percent.

St. John: You've answered your own question.

(The call ends)

John: Are you quite all right, Sah?

Lane: Wha?

John: You look like you need a clean pair of knickers.

Lane: You've answered your own question.

 

Scene: Later in Cooper's office.

Lane: Sooooo. It has come to my attention that you're not attending the Sterling Cooper 40th anniversary.

Cooper: I didn't get to where I am by dwelling on the past.

Lane: Right. You're certainly not reliving the grand time you had in Japan 80 years ago by decorating your office like a Tokyo bath house and prancing around here without shoes.

Cooper: Glare.

Lane: Your absence will make everyone think an octopus finally got the best of you.

Cooper: Please show yourself out. Domo arigato.

 

Scene: The Draper house. Betty's reading while doing laundry.

Something in Dryer: Clink! Clink! Clink!

(Betty opens dryer and ferrets out a set of keys)

Betty: Hmmm. I've never seen these before, so they must be Don's. And since they clearly could go into any lock here or at work or God knows where within a 100-mile radius, I'll try Don's desk.

(She puts a key in Don's desk drawer. It opens.)

Drawer: Ta-da!

Stacks of Cash: Chaching!

Mysterious Box: Oooh, pick me! Pick me!

(Betty rifles through the contents of the box)

Old Photos of Dick Whitman: Hidey.

Korean War Dogtags of Don Draper and Dick Whitman: Annyong!

Divorce Decree of Anna and Don Draper: It is hereby ordered and decreed that your marriage is a farce.

Don's House of Cards: Fall!

 

Scene: That night at Suzanne's apartment.

Don: Hello, you. Mwah.

Danny: Still here!

Suzanne: I got him a new job at the VA hospital in Bedford.

Don: That's terrific. I'm sure they have all the best drugs there. Let me take you. I'm an excellent night driver. Flawless record.

Bobbie Barrett: Cough cough.

Don: Quiet, you. 

 

Scene: Shortly thereafter in Don's car.

Danny: I'm not going to Bedford.

Don: Well I am, so unless you intend to tuck and roll...

Danny: Why do you care? You're just going back to screw my sister.

Don: True. But she got you a kickass job.

Danny: Cleaning toilets. I'm not retarded. I just have epilepsy. So did Julius Caesar.

Don: So did Caligula.

Danny: Just let me out.

Don: Fine. Listen, you can always change things. Especially if you stumble across a dead guy of similar age, height and build.

Danny: I can't do what you can do. Peeing in my pants doesn't help.

Freddy Rumsen: Amen, brother.

Don: Here's money and my card. Keep it handy so that when you meet a tragic end miles from where I was asked to take you, the authorities can come after me for answers.

 

Scene: The next morning in Don's office. He spent the night with Suzanne and is changing into a new shirt.

Phone: Ring ring.

Betty: Where were you last night?

Don: With Connie. I'll be home at 5:30 tonight, and then we'll need to leave for the anniversary party within an hour.

Betty: I don't know if I'm going.

Don: What's wrong?

Betty's Spine: Strengthen!

Betty: What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG? I, um, don't feel well.

Betty's Spine: Crumble!

Don: You've got seven hours to get it together. Everyone expects me to show up with the glamorous, elegant, stunning Betty Draper. I want to show you off, Betts.

Betty: Oh, ok.

(Betty's spine completely liquefies, seeps into the bathroom and dribbles down the bathtub drain.)

 

Scene:  Paul's office. Peggy comes over to summon him for the Western Union update with Don.

Paul: I got nuthin.

Peggy: Mine's crap, too.

Paul: I had something incredible, but I didn't write it down.

Christopher Guest: I HATE when that happens.

Paul: Do you know what the Chinese say?

Peggy: White rice or fried?

Paul: "The faintest ink is better than the best memory."

Peggy: It's Western Union, not a tattoo parlor. Let's go get yelled at.

(A minute later in Don's office)

Peggy: Old people dig telegrams. When you care, send one there.

Don: That's terrible. Paul?

Crickets: Chirp.

Don: What's your excuse?

Paul: Achilles ate my homework.

Peggy: Tell him the truth.

Paul: I masturbated to a bra ad then ate your leftover pastrami.

Peggy: The other truth.

Paul: I had a great idea and lost it. I didn't write it down.

Billy Crystal: I HATE when that happens.

Peggy: I keep thinking about that Chinese thing you said.

Paul: "The faintest ink is better than the best memory."

Peggy: Right. You call someone and then you hang up. It's gone. Poof. But a telegram is forever.

Don: You can't frame a phone call. See, Paul, all you have to do is check your balls at the door, let Peggy save the day, and it all works out.

Peggy: Now let's get the hell out of here before Joe Piscopo and Tim Kazurinsky show up.

 

Scene: That night at the Sterling Cooper anniversary party. Roger steps to the podium to introduce Don.

Roger: As if being decorated for his service in Korea wasn't enough, Don has won more awards than I can list. He's loyal, charming, quiet, but not modest. And did I mention loyal?

Betty: Seethe.

Roger: Thanks to his lovely wife, Betty, and their three kids for sharing him with us. Wow, is he a great family man or what?

Betty: Glare.

Roger: Now, let me introduce the man who will stand alongside me for the next forty years...Don Draper!

(Don gets up and steps to the podium)

Crowd: Clap! Clap!

Betty: Simmer.

Don: Please. Please.

Crowd: Applaud! Applaud!

Don: I'm very honored.

(Lasers shoot from Betty's eyes and drill holes into Don's chest cavity. He spontaneously combusts into a gray cloud of well-tailored smoke behind the podium.)

(Curtain down)

FINALLY, some shocking drama around here. Who could have guessed that Cooper would attend the party? Oh, right. And there was that whole thing with Betty finding Don's Little Box of Lies.  And yet, she just put it back in the drawer, tucked the key in his bathrobe and merrily went about her usual business. Well, without the "merrily" part. There's quite a lot there for her wee brain to process. Without family to fall back on, not to mention her rather comfy lifestyle and the 1963-era horror of being a divorcee, I can't imagine she'll do too much about it. But in the next episode, "The Gypsy and the Hobo," she'll take the kids on a trip. My guess is she's off to sniff around Anna Draper. And, back at the office, Roger's eye seems to be on the verge of roving when a former client comes a-calling. There's a lot that could happen in the final three episodes of the season. Any predictions? Will it all end with the Kennedy assassination?

 

Revisit recaps for ADT Season I, II and III.

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