Attention Deficit Theatre: "Mad Men," Season Three, Episode 12

 

Help yourself to the prime rib and the fillet of sole and move to the front of the theatre as the Unbound Edition Players present "The Grown Ups."

(curtain up)

 

Scene: Pete's office. Hildy wakes him as he slumbers on the couch.

Hildy: Poke. Poke. Mr. Campbell? I got your hot cocoa.

Pete: Wonderful! (Sips his cocoa).

Hildy: Oh, and Mr. Pryce wants to see you.

Pete (spraying cocoa): Sweet Jesus!

Hildy: Don't be scared of meeting with him. I'm sure it's nothing.

Pete: No, you twit! This "cocoa" is instant! Oh, the humanity!

 

Scene: A few minutes later in Lane Pryce's office. Pete takes a seat.

Lane: I have disappointing news.

Pete: I know, I know. It's unfortunate, but I'll survive.

Lane: Really? You're okay with Kenny being senior vice president of account services while you go nowhere as head of account management? What a relief! Crumpet?

Pete: Wait. I thought you were talking about the Ovaltine water the restaurant downstairs is passing off as cocoa.

Lane: Oh dear. (Cough cough.) Crumpet?

Pete: What is this based on? I'm really producing with Secor laxatives!

Lane: You sure are, Pete. And you're great at servicing clients. But with Kenny, it's like our clients are servicing themselves.

Pete: I see. I hope this was a tough decision to push through Sterling Cooper.

Lane: It sure was. If only we had taken some Secor laxatives, eh?

Pete: Careful what you wish for. 

 

Scene: Mona Sterling's bedroom. Margaret shows her the ridiculously expensive earrings Jane bought her for her wedding.

Margaret: She started giving me advice, Mommy. Don't go to bed angry. Dress sexy. Clorox works wonders on shoe polish stains. She ruined my life!

Mona: I know. Your father's nothing but a big tool. Your fiance is different.

Margaret: Mother! Brooks is an average size, I'll have you know!

Mona: Oh. Gross. What I meant was...

Margaret: Oh, who am I kidding! You're right, mom. It's tiny. The wedding's off! Sob. Sob. (She picks up the phone and calls Roger.)

Roger: It's 3 pm and I'm drunk. Speak softly and slowly.

Margaret: Daddy, the wedding's off!

Roger: Put your mother on.

Mona: Hey, loser.

Roger: Tell her everything's cool.

Mona: Your father says Jane's a slut.

Roger: Tell her if she wants to cancel the wedding, I'll take the deposit out of her inheritance.

Mona: Your father says the wedding's cancelled. And that you should give me those earrings to teach Jane a lesson.

Margaret: No, you were right. I'm overreacting. I'm rich. I'm pretty. I've got my Relax-a-cizor. It'll all be fine in the morning. November 22, 1963 is the first day in my life of happiness!

 

Scene: The Campbell apartment. Trudy comes home from shopping in the middle of the day and is surprised to see Pete.

Trudy: What are you doing here?

Pete: Eating Caldecott Farms from this dog bowl. Pryce fired me today.

Trudy: Oh my GOD!

Pete: Relax, lovely, I'll be alright. Don swears by this stuff.

Trudy: Did Pryce ask you to leave?

Pete: I couldn't hear him. I was totally daydreaming about the gourmet hot cocoa stand I'm going to open in the Sterling Cooper lobby. All I could see was his frog-like mouth flapping.

Trudy. OK, this is going to be uncomfortable for you, but I have to ask something.

Pete: The answer is yes. But I was drunk, and Germans are a sausage-loving people.

Trudy: Um. I was gonna ask if you lost your temper at the office. What's this about sausage-loving?

Pete:  Nothing, lovely. Just the horsemeat talking.

 

Scene: The next morning at the office. Paul is in Peggy's office when the phone rings.

Olive: I have a Mr. Herman on the line.

Peggy: Great. Paul, can you give me a minute?

Paul: No way! Ask him for today's secret word!!

Peggy: Right. Um, hey there, Mr. Herman.

Paul: Ask him! Ask him!

Duck: I'm at the hotel around the corner. Room 531.

Peggy: I'm having lunch with Kurt and Smitty.

Duck: They're a couple of homos. Come on, Pee-Wee. It's been 3 weeks.

Paul: WELL???

Peggy: Oh. Uh. Today's secret word is "homo."

Paul: I see what you're doing. That's not fair, Peg. I stopped wearing the ascot first season.

Duck: You can order a sandwich from room service.

Peggy: A Monte Cristo? Count me in. Woo-hoo! Literary humor. Come on, Paul. High five!

Paul: That's funny, Peg. Of course I like literary humor. Cause I'm a homo, right?

Conky, Jambi and Chairry: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

 

Scene: Harry's office. Pete comes in to mope.

Pete: Hey. Head of accounts is going to Kenny and his haircut.

Harry: Sorry, dude. It's an awesome haircut.

Pete: Can you turn that t.v. off?

Harry: Not really. It's my job. I'll just turn it down.

Pete: Did you know about this?

Harry: Not until after the fact.

(Behind them, t.v. programming switches to a CBS News Bulletin)

Walter Cronkite: In Dallas, Texas, three shots were fired at President Kennedy's motorcade...

Pete: I really like your shirt today. What kind of starch does Jennifer use?

Harry: Thanks for noticing. She just switched to Niagara.

Walter Cronkite: President Kennedy has been seriously wounded in a shooting...

Pete: Hey, how 'bout those Yankees?

Harry: Hell yeah! That was awesome.

Walter Cronkite: United Press says the wounds for President Kennedy may be fatal...

Pete: I really like that we can have these chats. Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?

Harry: Do I ever.

Walter Cronkite: It's official: you two are total douches. And that's the way it is.

 

Scene: Room 531 of Hotel Elysee. Duck watches the news bulletin while waiting for a nooner with Peggy.

Walter Cronkite: There has been an attempt, as perhaps you now know, on the life of President Kennedy.

Duck's Cerebral Cortex: Oh no! Is the president shot?! This is an historical event requiring laser-like focus!

Hotel room door: Knock knock.

Duck's Libido: Woo-hoo! Booty call!

Duck's Pituitary Gland: Secrete!

Duck's Cerebral Cortex (drunk on sex chemicals): Wait! Nooooo...Mmmmm. Boobs.

(Duck unplugs the t.v.)

 

Scene: 15 minutes later in the hotel bed. Duck and Peggy bask in the afterglow.

Duck's Cerebral Cortex (coming to): What the?! What happened?! Where am I?!  What happened to the President?!

Peggy: Did you give me a hickey? I told you I don't like that.

Duck: Sorry. There was a news story on before you came in, and it distracted me.

Peggy: You didn't seem distracted. Wink. Nudge.

Duck's Libido: High five!

Duck's Cerebral Cortex: Damn you!

(Duck plugs the t.v. back in. Walter Cronkite dons his glasses and reads a bulletin.)

Walter Cronkite: From Dallas, Texas, the flash apparently official. President Kennedy died at 1 p.m. Central Standard Time.

Duck: Oh my God, they killed Kennedy!

Peggy: You bastards!

 

Scene: Later that day. Don comes home and finds the kids watching coverage of the assassination.

Don: Hidey. Where's your mother?

Sally: Theeth not feeling well.

Betty: Here I am. I can't stop crying.

Don: Why are the kids watching this?

Betty: What am I supposed to do, Don? Keep it from them? You know how honest we are with the kids about everything that happens around here.

Don: True. We're committed to being open in this family. An open marriage, you might call it. Now go pop some pills. I'll stay with the kids and give them a false sense of security.

 

Scene: The next day at the ill-attended wedding reception for Margaret and Brooks

Mona's Date: Three months after Roosevelt died, we bombed Hiroshima. That's how we get over things in this country. I say hang the Oswalds and nuke the south. Who's with me?

Mona: My taste in men is fantastic. What did everyone think of the sweetbreads?

(Betty looks up as Henry Francis walks in and greets his much younger date with a kiss.)

Don: Um, Betts, why is venom seeping out of your every pore?

Betty: I must have gotten a bad piece of sole.

(Henry and his guest wave a howdy to the newlyweds)

Henry's Date: Daddy, I wish you had seen the ceremony.

Betty: Oh, thank God.

Maestro: Now the father and bride will dance. Hell, you all can drag it out here if you want.

Don: Wanna dance?

Betty: I don't know about that.

Don: It's a successive group of rhythmical steps and bodily motions, usually set to music. But that's not important right now. Just get your ass up so I can look lovingly at you.

Betty: Ugh. Really?

Don: Everything's going to be fine.

Betty: How do you know that?

Don: You'll see. MWAH.

Betty: Whatever, Dick.

 

Scene: Later that night. Roger carries a drunken Jane to their bed.

Jane: He was so handsome. And now I'll never get to vote for him.

Roger: Do you want me to cut you out of that dress?

Jane: Zzzzzz.

Roger: I'm making a phone call now. This is your last chance to wake up. Lookee me, I'm dialing and everything.

Jane: Snore.

(Joan picks up the phone)

Joan: Hello?

Roger: It's incredible, isn't it?

Joan: Yes. I've told you a thousand times. Biggest I've ever had. Now stop calling me like this. No one likes a braggart.

Roger: My bitch daughter got married today. Total disaster.

Joan: Speaking of disasters, my husband's working at the ER tonight. Warn your loved ones.

(Jane's arm flops over and lands on Roger.)

Jane's wedding ring: Hidey!

(Roger quickly throws her arm back)

Roger: Hang in there, Red. And call me if you ever want to get something off your chest.

Joan's Bra: Oh no, Buddy. We've been Rogered enough.

 

Scene: The next day at the Draper house. Betty watches news coverage of Lee Harvey Oswald's prison transfer.

Lee Harvey Oswald: Doodly doo. Here I am, just out for a little constitutional.

Complete Lack of Government Building Security: Hidey!

Jack Ruby's Gun: Bang!

Lee Harvey Oswald: Ooof!

Betty: Oh my God, they killed Oswald!

Don (running in): You bastards!

 

Scene: A little later. Don naps on the couch.

Betty: Poke poke. I'm going out for a drive.

Don: Good idea. Let's get the kids and all go together. Yay, family bonding!

Betty: No. I'm going to the store. I need to clear my head.

Don: That's like taking an eraser to a blank piece of paper, Betts.

Betty: First on the shopping list: hog fat.

 

Scene: A little while later in a parking lot. Henry jumps into Betty's passenger seat.

Betty: I'm so glad you could see me.

Henry: Where does your husband think you are?

Betty: I don't care. He has been lying to me for years.

Henry: Have you considered other ways to live?

Betty: Bobby told me once about some kind of lizard that lives mostly in the water and can breathe through its skin. But when I tried it, I just passed out and hit my head. Nearly drowned in the tub.

Henry's Cerebral Cortex: Clearly, she's an idiot.

Henry's Libido: C'mon dude. Look at her.

Henry's Pituitary Gland: Secrete!

Henry's Cerebral Cortex: Wait! Nooooooo....mmmmm. Boobs.

Henry: Let's get married.

Betty: MWAH.

 

Scene: Later that day. Betty returns home from her "drive."

Betty: I don't know what to say.

Don: This is so unprofessional, Betts. No one else has a problem with their lines.

Betty: I don't love you.

Don: Hey, don't shoot the messenger, mmmkay? Yo! Weiner! Can we bring the teleprompter a little closer?

Betty: I kissed you yesterday at the reception and didn't feel a thing.

Don: I told you, the doctor said that happens sometimes to guys my age. It's probably the stress.

Betty: You can't even hear me right now.

Don: Sorry. Just thinking about parent-teacher conferences. Do you feel anything now?

 

Scene: The next morning. After tense, frigid silence from Betty, Don has gone into the office. Peggy's the only other person there.

Peggy: Type type.

Don: What are you doing here?

Peggy: I thought it best we change the Aqua Net convertible spot in light of the shooting. New tagline: "If only he used Aqua Net."

Don: Too soon.

Peggy: Yeah, but it doesn't film for a few days. My roommate invited the whole building over to watch the funeral and write condolence letters to Jackie. It was so crowded in there, I felt like I was on the subway. I'm going to watch the funeral in Cooper's office. You coming?

Don's Cerebral Cortex: Don't even think about it.

Don's Libido: Don't worry.

Don: I'm good. Remember to take off your shoes.

 

(curtain down)

Ah. Well, we knew Weiner was working up to the JFK assassination, but I assumed he was saving that for the season finale. And while this episode checked in with nearly every character, it's still all about what will happen with Don and Betty now that the proverbial cat has gnawed its way out of the bag. God love Betty, she's just so caught off guard by the big reveals inside that drawer, but there are still so many seedy secrets she's clueless about. The attraction to Henry completely eludes me. Yes, I know he makes her feel all special, but come on. She could do better if she's hell bent on leaving Don. And that pseudo-proposal was entirely ridiculous. 

AMC is keeping its frog-like mouth shut about the finale, "Close the Door. Take a Seat." There's nary a preview to be found. All we know is "Don has an important meeting with Connie. Betty receives some advice. Pete talks to his clients." So that sounds like just about any other episode. Every character is on the verge of a potential life-changing experience. What do you predict will happen?

 

Revisit recaps for ADT Season I, II and III.

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