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Shaken, Not Stirred By Bondsicle

Shaken, Not Stirred By Bondsicle

J. Kristin Ament
Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Yesterday, I came across the most outrageously ludicrous fake marketing story about Del Monte and a James Bond tie-in from the geniuses at the Onion. Hoot! Holler! Sides splitting open! Then I realized it was REAL. I swear, I haven’t been so crippled by fear since Denise Richards was cast as nuclear physicist Christmas Jones in “The World is Not Enough.”

UK-based Del Monte Superfruit Smoothies decided to get some traction around the first National Ice Cream Week by surveying women about which male celebrity they’d like to have on the receiving end of an ice lolly (we call them popsicles over in these parts). Current 007 Daniel Craig was deemed the “winner,” and a team of artists toiled to recreate a frosty likeness of the actor emerging from the sea in the oft-ogled “Casino Royale” scene:

Not quite awkward enough for you? Here, how about a substantial bit of wood positioned just so:

Alrighty then. 

Sure, as images of oneself carved into frozen pomegranite juice are destined to go, Mr. Craig could have done worse. The face does look like him, and the artists even threw in some extra ab crunches. But what self-respecting celebrity would be okay with this?

It’s not like Daniel Craig is a British Daniel Baldwin. He’s an award winning actor. The man has a solid image to manage in the public eye. But here, his tight little brand assets are frozen (into swim trunks for public mouthing by sweaty women dodging pigeons at Trafalgar Square).

And there’s the stick again. How did he approve this?

When it comes to edible fare, we’ve had our share of unfortunate celebrity brands. Jeff Foxworthy has his own line of redneck-approved beef jerky. The tracks of Smokey Robinson’s tears may dry up if you eat his pot roast. And few salty snacks sound more revolting than those peddled by Dirt McGirt, aka Ol’ Dirty Bastard.  

But have you ever seen an actual, consumable food product in the likeness of a public figure?

Other than Jesus, who has a successful ongoing rollout of cheese-based goods in His image, I can’t think of any.

Am I the only one left with a bad taste in my mouth?

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