Attention Deficit Theatre: “Mad Men,” Season Two, Episode Five

Break out your specimen collection cups and toast the Unbound Edition Players as they present “The New Girl.”

(Curtain up)

Scene: The office of a fertility specialist.

Dr. Stone: Hey. I’m Dr. Stone. As opposed to Dr. Rocks, which would be the most obvious testicular pun ever. Thank you, show writers.

Trudy: I’m rich and well-connected. And, judging from the way I speak, I clearly have something shoved up my butt.

Dr. Stone: Ah. I think I might know why you’re not getting knocked up.

Scene: A few minutes later in the doctor’s office. Pete is meeting with him privately.

Dr. Stone: So, did your testicles descend normally?

Pete: Absolutely.

Dr. Stone: Have you ever fathered a child?

Pete: Oh, ha ha ha ha. Don’t make me laugh. What an amusing thought.

Pete’s testicles: Psst! Doc!

Pete: Quiet, you.

Dr. Stone: Do you want a child?

Pete’s eyes: Dilate. Dart.

Pete: Totally.

Dr. Stone: For real?

Pete: Well, I do worry about bombs. And the economy. And I work as high-powered account man. And my in-laws suck. Oh, and my dad just died. And sometimes I have a hard time peeling the plastic off of my cheese slice. And do these pants make my butt look big? Mother of God, make it all stop!

Scene: Sterling Cooper

Joan: Check it, beeyotches. I’m engaged! Oh, hey, Mr. Draper. Bobbie Barrett’s on the phone.

Bobbie: Hi. I’m drunk. We just sold the pilot for “Grin and Barrett.” Come celebrate with me at Sardi’s. Maybe you can threaten and violate me again. I have no pride.

Don: But I do. I need to work. Can’t make it, nosirree.

Scene: Five seconds later at Sardi’s

Don: Hidey.

(Don sees Rachel Menken and makes eye contact)

Don’s heart: Thump. Palpitate.

Don: Miss Menken.

Rachel: Actually, it’s Mrs. Katz. This is my sweet, but ferret-like husband, Tilden.

Don’s heart: Seize. Shatter.

Rachel: Enjoy your inappropriate relationship, you two. Ta.

Bobbie: I want some chow. Tell me what to get.

Don: Steak tartare.

Bobbie: Why, how could you possibly know of my fondness for raw red meat?

Bobbie’s jacket from the last episode: Oh, honey. Everyone knows.

Bobbie: Do you like the ocean?

Don: Yep.

Bobbie: I have a little place on the shore. I want to have you on the beach. I want to feel the cold sand on my back. The surf pounding behind us.

Bobbie’s jacket from the last episode: Sweet Jesus. Please leave me at home.

Scene: Don’s car as he and Bobbie drive, late at night

Bobbie: I’m totally wasted. Here, take a swig from this open bottle of whiskey, what with you being behind the wheel and all.

Don: Sure! What could possibly go wrong?

Car radio: I’m playing the theme from “A Summer Place,” an obvious cautionary tale about adultery. Dooooo-do-DO-do-dooooo…

Bobbie: So, do you like gladiator movies? God, I feel so goooood.

Don: I don’t feel a thing.

Bobbie: Come here, you. Mwah mwah. Poke poke. Prod prod.

Don’s car: Skid! Swerve! Crash!

Scene: Shortly thereafter at a police station

Cop: Your “wife” says the whiskey was hers, but you were at the legal limit of .15 percent.

Don: Damn, the limit is that high? 1962 is awesome.

Cop: The fine is $150.

Don: I have $63. I’ll mail you the rest.

Cop: Pay up or drop your jacket, pretty boy. Call somebody.

(Don rifles through his wallet and picks up the phone. Later, we see a woman’s shoes as she walks into the police department.)

Audience: Sweet! Did he call Rachel to bail him out?

Peggy: No. It’s just me. Here’s your money, sir.

Bobbie: Hi. I’m drunk and disheveled.

Peggy: Whore.

Scene: Later in the car as Peggy drives Don and Bobbie home

Peggy: Bitch, don’t hurl in my car. And, Dick, I put two bucks of gas in this to save your sorry ass.

Bobbie: I'm drunk and my breath smells like tartare. I can't go home.

Peggy: You can stay with me.

Don: No one can know about this.

Peggy: Oh, I’ll forget it, buddy. But don’t be a tool to me because I remind you of it.

Scene: Early morning in the Draper house. Don creeps into the bedroom.

Betty: Where in the hell were you?

Don: I was in an accident. I didn’t want to wake you. But it’s totally not my fault. I have really high blood pressure, see, and my medicine reacted with some drinks, see, and I rolled the car. Yes, yes. That is entirely what happened. Woe are my sad little thumper and I.

Betty: Oh, for God’s sake. While I do have the mental capacity of a turnip, even I can see through this one. Der.

Scene: Peggy’s apartment

Peggy: Here’s some food. I’m bitter and will go lay down because I’m tired.

Bobbie: Oh, my head.

Peggy: Do you have a headache? A little boy in our neighborhood hit his head on a swingset and died.

Debbie Downer: WAH-waaaaah.

Peggy: Do you want to play cards? Old Maid? I'm good at that one.

Bobbie: Why are you doing this? Are you banging Don?

Peggy: No. He has just done a lot for me. Uh-oh. I feel a flashback coming on.

Wayne and Garth: Doodly doo! Doodly doo! Doodly doo! Doodly doo!

Scene: Peggy flashes back to her postpartum hospital bed

Doctor: She has a psychoneurotic condition and will be here for a few weeks.

Peggy’s Sister: Surprise! I’m pregnant. About to pop!

Audience: Holy crap! We've been hoodwinked! Damn that Weiner!

Peggy: Tell me about it.

Scene: Bathroom at the fertility doc’s office. Pete marches in to take care of business.

Sample cup: Do you want to have dinner or go dancing first?

Pete: No, I’m good. I’ll just peruse this issue of Jaybird USA here.

Pete’s zipper: Zip!

Pete's testicles: Ascend!

Scene: Roger Sterling’s office. He’s playing paddleball.

Paddle: Pound pound.

Ball: Bounce bounce.

Audience: Oh, gross. Damn that Weiner!

Scene: Peggy’s apartment

Peggy: Your eye looks better.

Bobbie: Thanks. Are you in love with Don?

Peggy: No.

Bobbie: You’re so young and beautiful.

Peggy: Um, are you sure that eye’s working ok?

Scene: Sterling Cooper. All of the guys are leering at Don’s hot new secretary, Jane, who conveniently has her shirt unbuttoned.

Joan: Button up, you pathetic slut.

Jane: Why, I had no idea.

Joan: This office hinges on professional decorum. In fact…

(Fred Rumsen runs out of his office)

Fred: Hey, listen to this!

(Fred proceeds to play his zipper to the tune of Mozart’s “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.”)

Joan: As you were.

Scene: Peggy’s apartment

Bobbie: Listen, girlie. You have to treat Don as an equal. You can’t be a man. Don’t even try. Be a woman. Sport durable jackets. It’s powerful business when done correctly. Dig?

Peggy: I think so.

Bobbie: Be big and strong. Don’t be a pansy. Now how do I get to Grand Central from here?

Peggy: I’ll walk you to the train station. It’s just two blocks.

Bobbie: Walk? In Brooklyn? Cower! Cower! I’ll call a car.

Scene: The Campbell home

Pete: Hey. I’m home. Worship me.

Trudy: Dr. Stone’s office called. Your swimmers were the envy of the sperm bank. Positively Phelpsian.

Pete: That’s a relief, I do say. Check me out, the poster child for virility. Woo, don't stand too close, lest you spontaneously conceive!

Trudy: Um. My uterus is full of Craisins.

Pete: Oh, right. You. Yeah, you’re broken. Maybe the doctor can blow up your ovaries or something. I dunno. Kids suck the fun out of everything anyway, so maybe we're lucky that you're barren.

Trudy: You’re an ass.

Pete: Look, hag, I just did a very private thing in a very public place. I’ve never done that before.

Pete’s office couch cushion: Au contraire, my good man.

Pete: Shut it.

Scene: Peggy’s apartment. She’s flashing back again to when she was in the hospital.

Peggy: I’m all groggy. Hey, is that you?

Don: Yep. You got a promotion and split. Your mom said you were quarantined with TB. That didn’t help. What’s the deal?

Peggy: Dunno.

Don: Yes you do. What do they want you to do?

Peggy: Dunno.

Don: Do whatever they say. Get out and move on. It will shock you how much it never happened. Leave that soldier’s charred corpse on the field and steal his identity and live a lie as Don Draper.

Peggy: Um, what?

Don: Just ditch the brat and the fat suit and move on.

Scene: The next day in Don’s office. He’s meeting with Pete and Salvatore on a client project.

Peggy: Hi. Sorry my stuff is late. I was…sick. I need more time.

Don: I managed to get my work done. Do you need someone to bail you out?

Peggy: I’ll have it first thing Monday, Mr. Draper.

Don: Yes you will.

(Pete and Salvatore leave)

Peggy: Give me my $110.

Don: Oh, my bad. I guess when you forget something, you forget everything. Here.

Peggy: Thank you, Don. I totally own you now. Feel my power!

Scene: That night at the Draper house

Betty: How was your day? (Serves him a plate of meatloaf)

Don’s taste buds: Shake. Sweat. We’re in withdrawal!

Don: Where’s the salt?

Betty: You’ll get used to it. It’s for your own good.

Sally: Why can’t Daddy have salt?

Betty: Because we love him. But mostly because I’m a vindictive shrew.

Ketchup bottle on the table: Psst! Lucky for you, nutritional labels won't be mandated on products for 28 years. I’m brimming with tasty, tasty sodium! Yeah, I got your back, buddy.

(Curtain down)

Now that’s what I’m talking about. This week’s plot and character developments were a long time coming this season. Seriously, did all of you also assume that Peggy’s sister was raising her kid? That was well executed. And I was thrilled to see Rachel Menken again, though obviously still heartbroken. Damn you, Don. It’s also interesting that Peggy and Don have that secret “I have such dirt on you, so don’t piss me off” bond. Now she'll have some nice "hand" at the office. It was a nice touch that she called him “Don” and gave him the knowing look at the end. But Fred’s one-man zipper band will haunt me when I sleep.

Here’s a sneaky peeky at next week’s episode, “Maidenform.” Judging from the title, we can assume that everyone but Peggy is auditioning models for a pointy bra campaign. And Don and Bobbie are still going at it? Boobs.

And for more Mad Men obsession, visit our friends over at Basket of Kisses .