Attention Deficit Theatre: “Mad Men,” Season One, Episode 10
Sunday, September 30, 2007
After a brief, AMC-imposed hiatus, the Unbound Edition players return to the stage for “The Long Weekend.” If they seem a little sluggish, it’s because they’re weighed down by the chunky Chips Ahoy they turned to when there wasn’t a new episode to cover. They really feel for Peggy now.
Scene: Don’s house
Sally: Grandpa’s here!
Don: Hidey, Gene.
Gene: Hi. This is my (wink) friend Gloria.
Don: Oh, good. You can help Betty out.
Gloria: I live to serve.
Betty: Hurl. Don, can you help me with the suitcase?
Don: But we’re only going away for the weekend.
Betty: Work with me here. I need you to come upstairs so I can get all crazy and selfish about how my dad moved on after my mom died.
Scene: Shortly thereafter in Don’s bedroom.
Betty: Gloria’s a tramp. And a vulture.
Don: She’s nice. Get over yourself.
Betty: Her husband was a failure. When he died, they found out he cheated on…
Don: (paces nervously, starts sweating)
Betty:…his income tax.
Don: Whew. Whatever, Birdie. Let him have his fun. I’ll see you tomorrow. Try not to shoot anything, mmmkay?
Scene: Sterling Cooper conference room. The team is watching the latest ad for Kennedy.
Kennedy ad: Kennedy Kennedy Kennedy Kennedy Kennedy Kennedy Kennedy for me!
Don: It’s perky and catchy.
Paul: It makes me want to kill myself. Here’s the Nixon ad.
Nixon ad: God, I totally suck.
Roger: Oh, do you ever.
Pete: Isn’t there some dirt out there on JFK we can use for Nixon?
Roger: He’s a womanizer
Don: Who isn’t? Besides, that would just make all of the chicks vote for him. Lemme think here. There’s still a good story. Kennedy screams “silver spoon.” Nixon’s a self-made man. I see myself in him. And that’s not at all unfortunate.
Roger: We should do a critical ad of Kennedy to get people off the fence.
Pete: There are a lot of people on the fence.
Roger: Yes, idiot. I know. I want ideas from all of you after the long weekend.
Pete: Let’s go down swinging! Lord, it’s like I have some weird case of conference room Tourettes. I just belt out random thoughts and clichés.
Roger: Anyhoo, Abe and Rachel Menken are coming in to approve the new store plan. Don, I want you to ride bareback over Paul.
Paul: Um, what? Will he at least take me dancing first?
Roger: Oh, you haven’t heard the end of my weird horse riding fetish. Just you wait.
Roger: Be nice in the meeting, Don. I know Rachel bothers you.
Scene: Later in Roger’s office
Roger: Woo-hoo! It’s Labor Day weekend and my wife and kid are away for the weekend. Let’s go out. Or get naked. Or go out naked.
Joan: What am I wearing? Would you really want to be seen with me in this unflattering dress with the massive red squares? It’s like Mondrian threw up on me.
Roger: That’s where I was going with the whole “naked” thing. The dress is garish. Please don’t make me be seen with you in it.
Joan: How about a movie? Have you seen “The Apartment?” I hear Shirley MacLaine is great.
Roger: Right. Like a white person would ever operate an elevator, much less a woman. Puh-leez.
Joan: I wonder if that reference will ever come back in this episode. Oh well. I’ll call you later.
Scene: Later in the conference room. The team is presenting the new plan for Menken’s department store to Abe and Rachel.
Paul: So here’s the new atrium, which will be more vibrant, spotlighting the chrome display areas. Over here is the restaurant. Is it just me, or am I sounding really gay in this episode?
Salvatore: Hello, you. Oh, and it’s not a restaurant. It’s a tea room with champagne colored linens.
Abe: And you’re shutting down my store for three months to do this?
Don: It’ll build anticipation, like for a movie premiere. Or for the inevitable affair between me and your daughter.
Don: I said “An Affair to Remember” had a big premiere. Cary Grant and stuff.
Abe: Can’t I just keep my store the way it is and have you build on it from there?
Don: Well, we could, but your store is ass. Today's shoppers are like your daughter. They have new tastes. They’re elegant. Sophisticated.
Abe: Well, I hope you two know what you’re doing. And I’m so totally not just talking about the store.
Don: He likes me.
Rachel: You wish.
Scene: The office break room. Joan’s roommate Carol shows up.
Joan: Ewww. You look like hell. Did we have lunch plans?
Carol: I needed to talk to you.
Joan. Are you knocked up? You’re just so sweaty and gross.
Carol: I got canned.
Joan: Aw, too bad. Hey, let’s go out tonight.
Carol: I don’t wanna.
Joan: Come on, it’ll be fun. What could possibly happen to make your day even more awkward or pathetic?
Scene: Don’s office. Pete notices that Peggy’s not around.
Pete: Where’s Howdy Dowdy? Heh. I just got off the phone with the guy from Dr. Scholl’s. We’re fired.
Pete: Because he hated the creative. Hey, that’s you, right? Yeah, he really hated it. Golly, this is the first time I’ve had a client fire us. And we had their account long before I started working here, so it’s certainly not my doing. Do you want to tell Sterling, or should I? My couch will look great in here. Can I bring you some boxes and packaging tape?
Don: Zip it, Skippy. I’ll take care of it. And by that, I mean that as soon as you leave, I’ll have a tantrum and push everything on my desk to the floor.
Pete: Good luck with that.
Scene: Shortly thereafter in Roger’s office. He’s at his desk getting a haircut.
Don: We lost the Dr. Scholl’s account. I hope you don’t want that $2500 bonus back, since I had to use that to buy off my bohemian mistress.
Roger: So we lost an account. We’ll just have to cut back. Let’s go fire somebody.
Roger: It’s a holiday weekend. Between now and Monday, we need to hook up with a bunch of ho’s.
Don: Betty’s at the shore. I’m going there tomorrow.
Roger: Give me tonight. There’s a casting call for a double sided aluminum spot downstairs in a few. Let’s go trolling. When God closes a door, he opens a dress.
Scene: Office hallway.
Pete: I’m a tool. But what’s wrong with you these days? Other than that ill-chosen scarf that makes you look like you have no neck.
Peggy: I don’t know if you like me or not. Every time I walk by, I wonder…are you going be nice to me, or cruel?
Pete: Cruel? I’m married.
Peggy, Yes, I’m sure that’s confusing. Maybe you need me to lay on your couch to clear that up again.
Pete: That’s some imagination you’ve got.
Pete’s couch cushion: Actually, Pete, if you’d flip me over, you’re remember that time that you and Peggy…
Pete: Quiet, you.
Scene: Outside the casting call for the aluminum ad. Four sets of twin sisters are all dolled up and waiting.
Roger: Why, hello. You two are by far the ugliest ones here. You’ve got the job!
Three sets of attractive twins: Huh?
Eleanor and Mirabelle: Yay!
Roger: Let’s go upstairs to my office and get drunk. But since I think you two are hot, I’m obviously well on my way.
Eleanor and Mirabelle: Whee!
Scene: Shortly thereafter in Roger’s office. Everyone’s drinking.
Eleanor and Mirabelle: We’re even more unattractive when we’re sweaty.
Roger: Yeah, they shut off the air conditioning after 5 p.m. So, Eleanor, do you love your sister?
Eleanor: Of course.
Roger: Why don’t you show her how much? Give her a kiss.
Don: Totally. I’m leaving.
Eleanor: Not yet. Let’s dance.
Scene: That night at Joan and Carol’s apartment. They’re getting ready to go out.
Joan: It’s not that bad. Tomorrow’s another day.
Carol: Oh, Scarlett. I’m just so happy.
Joan: Are you already drunk?
Carol: I love being with you. I love you. I really do.
Joan: Please tell me you’re drunk.
Carol: Remember that first week in college? I saw you and thought “Who is she?” Then college ended and I followed you here. You needed a roommate and I moved in just to be near you.
Joan: Creepy. This is getting all “Single White Female” here. I’m totally going to come home next week and find you with red hair. I should warn Roger about you and stilettos.
Carol: I did everything I could to be near you in the hope that someday you would notice me.
Joan: Dear God. Now we’ve moved on to “Notes on a Scandal.” A far superior movie with two Oscar-winning actresses, yes, but ewww, please don’t start asking if you can stroke me.
Carol: Joanie, just think of me as a boy.
Joan: You’ve had a hard day, Chachi.
Scene: Later that night in Roger’s office
Don: I really should get going.
(Roger rides in on Mirabelle’s back. She’s stripped down to her skivvies.)
Roger: Whoa! Don’t make me put spurs on you!
Don: And there’s the horse fetish he mentioned earlier. Even creepier than I imagined.
Eleanor: It’s just going to get worse. Let’s wait outside.
Scene: Joan and Carol’s apartment. They return home with two older men, Franklin the professor and Ralph the carpenter.
Franklin: Dibs on the redhead.
Joan, So, Franklin, you’re into language.
Franklin: Yes, it’s a hobby of mine.
Ralph: I do carpentry. I’m building a dry sink.
Joan: Loser. I love language. Hey, Franklin, the light fixture in my room is out. Can you change it for me?
Franklin: Woo-hoo! I’m gonna get lucky!
Ralph: So, what are we going to do? (kisses Carol)
Carol: Sigh. Whatever you want. But do you mind putting on Birkenstocks and listening to the Indigo Girls while we do it?
Scene: Later outside Roger’s office
Eleanor: You’re married, aren’t you?
Don: Sometimes. It depends on how hot my potential mistress is. In your case, Horseface, yes, I’m totally married. In fact, I don't think I've ever been more married than I am at this moment while I look at you.
Mirabelle: Eleanor! Something’s wrong! I know I shouldn’t have asked for him to do it a second time.
Scene: Roger’s office. He’s on the floor clutching his chest.
Don (to the girls): Call the ambulance and get the hell out of here.
Scene: A few minutes later. Paramedics are wheeling Roger away.
Roger: Grunt grunt. Mirabelle! Groan groan. Mirabelle!
(Don pulls his head up by the hair and slaps him)
Don: Mona. Your wife’s name is Mona.
Scene: Later in the hospital. Roger’s in a bed all pale and sickly looking.
Don: How you doin?
Roger: All these years I thought it would be the ulcer. Not a coronary brought on by being a philandering bastard. It hurts. Do you believe in energy?
Don: Like what?
Roger: A soul.
Don: Are you kidding? We’re in advertising. None of us have souls.
Roger: I’ve been living the last 20 years like I’m on shore leave.
(Mona walks in)
Roger (crying): Mona! Oh, Mona, I love you so much. Oh God, I love you so much.
Mona: Margaret is outside. She needs to see you.
Roger: Oh no. Not like this.
(Margaret walks in)
Mona: Group hug!
Don: Wow, this really teaches me a valuable lesson about fidelity. This is quite a cautionary tell, yessiree. My life is really going to turn around. Just like how I learned all about honesty two episodes ago when I flashed back to that philosophical, fence carving hobo from my yoot.
Scene: Later that night at the office. Joan walks in with Franklin.
Franklin: Woo-wee! This is some fancy pants office!
Cooper: Go away.
Franklin: Whatever. At least I’m wearing shoes.
Joan: What’s the deal? I just got the message from my roommate to come in, and God knows I’d do anything to get away from her right now. She hasn’t shaved her legs or armpits in months. Oh, it’s all making sense now.
Cooper: Roger Sterling has suffered a heart attack, and now we need to send a telegram to all of our clients assuring them that our business won’t be interrupted.
Joan: Oh no! Do you mind if I stoically type through my tears?
Cooper: Not if you don’t mind my rampant foot odor.
Scene: Later in the hospital. Don calls Betty.
Betty: Hi. I can’t believe my father is hanging out with Gloria.
Don: Roger had a heart attack.
Betty: Hmmm. That’s a shame. But back to me. So tonight, Gloria was making some trailer park pot roast with ketchup and my dad was standing there like he used to when my mom was cooking. It’s just horrible how he’s all happy now.
Don: Did you hear the part about the heart attack?
Betty: Yeah. But ketchup, Don. KETCHUP. Oh, the humanity!
Scene: Later at Rachel’s apartment. Don knocks and she answers.
Don: I know it’s late. I’m sorry.
Rachel: No problem. I always sit around in the wee hours dressed in extravagant nightgowns with my hair still looking good.
Don: Let me in.
Rachel: I got the telegram. Are you ok?
Don: Not so much.
Rachel: How is Roger?
Don: He’s gray and weak. His skin is like paper. I’m going to kiss you now.
Rachel: OK, but I’ll be a little standoffish at first. There.
Don: Sit with me. I don’t like feeling like this.
Rachel: What do you want from me?
Don: You know everything about me. I’m kissing you again now. This is it. This is all there is.
Rachel, This is an excuse for bad behavior. But I’ll still go along with it.
Don. No, not unless you tell me you want this.
Rachel: Yes, please.
Background music: Bow chicka bow bow!
Scene: Later at Sterling-Cooper. Cooper and Joan are walking to the elevator.
Cooper: You could do a lot better.
Joan: That Franklin clown? He’s just a friend.
Cooper: That’s not what I mean. Don’t waste your youth on age. Press “Lobby” please.
Joan: Oh God. I’m Shirley MacLaine in “The Apartment!” Well, it could be worse. I could be Shirley MacLaine in “Cannonball Run II.” Then you’d be Jim Nabors.
(elevator doors close)
Scene: Rachel’s apartment. She and Don are on the couch.
Rachel: Want a cigarette while we bask in the afterglow?
Don: My mom died in childbirth like yours. Only mine as a prostitute. They found my father and gave me to him and his wife. He died when I was 10. He was a drunk who got kicked by a horse. So she took up with some other man. I was raised by those two sorry people.
Rachel: Way to suck the fun out of the room. So no on the cigarette then?
Wow. An interesting episode. And listen up, kids. I enjoyed it. I’ve always liked the Rachel Menken character, and it’s obvious that she and Don have a connection. I loved how he spilled his life story (or at least part of it) to her, while he can’t even get his Stepford wife Betty to think of anyone but herself long enough to have a meaningful conversation. This week’s preview shows that they’re still getting it on, and you know that’s not going to end well for anyone down the road. I didn’t see Carol’s crush on Joan coming. Maybe she and Salvatore should hang out.
What did you think of the episode? And aren’t you dying to know who’s going to win the Kennedy v. Nixon election? Pins and needles, my friends.