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Attention Deficit Theatre: “Mad Men,” Season One, Episode Seven

J. Kristin Ament
Monday, September 3, 2007



And now, at the halfway point in season one of “Mad Men,” the Unbound Edition Players present the completely bizarro-world episode, “Red in the Face.”



(curtain up)


Scene: Afternoon in Don’s office. He’s on the phone.


Don: So, what can you tell me about my wife?

Dr. Wayne: Why, I can tell you everything. Doctor-patient confidentiality won’t exist for years. Where should I start?

Don: Just give me something good I can throw back at her the next time she pisses me off.

Dr. Wayne: She’s petty. Jealous. Like all housewives are these days. A little desperate, really.

Don: Desperate housewives? Nah, no one would buy that phrase. What else ya got?

Dr. Wayne: Basically, she has the emotions of a child.

Don: Oooh. Good one. I can work with that. See ya.


Scene: Roger’s office. He’s pouring vodka into his milk.


Mr. Cooper: Hiya. Whatcha doing?

Roger: Sitting here making sure the Smirnoff people get their money’s worth out of this product placement. Does that work?

Camera guy: Can you move the bottle just a little closer?

Roger: Sure thing. How about that?

Camera guy: Perfect. Now you keep talking, and I’ll keep the bottle in the shot for about five minutes.

Smirnoff CMO: Woo-hoo!

Mr. Cooper: So the Nixon campaign people are coming by later this week.

Roger: Cool. I’m going to get lung cancer now. It’ll go well with my cirrhosis of the liver.

Mr. Cooper: Stop smoking so much. It’s a sign of weakness. Hitler didn’t smoke.

Roger: Your argument makes no sense, you crazy, shoeless coot.

Mr. Cooper: Good night, Peanut.


Scene: Peggy’s desk. She’s talking with Don.


Roger: What are you doing tonight?

Peggy: Working and going home. Then I’ll stuff my bra some more.

Roger: Oh, look at you, thinking I care. I was talking to Don.

Don: I’m going home to what’s-her-name. The one I’m legally bound to. Not my mistress.

Roger: Well, my mistress is off on some trip with her roommate. Since we can’t philander, let’s get drunk. Maybe we’ll fine new mistresses.

Don: OK.

Peggy: Really, isn’t anyone going to notice how much bigger my boobs suddenly are in this episode?

Pete: I will. Ogle. Ogle.

Peggy: Thank you.

Pete: So, fellas, did I miss something?

Roger: No, Don and I talk all the time when you’re not around. Good night, Paul. Heh.

Pete: Well, aren’t you busy there, Peggy? Burning the midnight oil isn’t good for your skin.

Peggy: What about hair? Is it good for that? Because I really need some help up there.

Pete: Nope. Sorry. So what are you working on?

Peggy: Copy for Belle Jolie lipstick. Mr. Rumsen liked my ideas at the brainstorming thingie.

Pete: Do you want me to…

Peggy: Throw me down on this desk and take me right now? Hell yes. Just let me run and shave my legs!

Pete: I was gonna say, do you want me to take a look at your copy? I do it all the time for the fellas.

Peggy: Oh. Um, yeah, that would be super.

Pete: Swell. We’re all in it together. I’m so totally going to screw you…

Peggy: Woo-hoo! Let me run and shave my legs!

Pete: Over. I’m so totally going to screw you over when I steal your copy ideas as my own.


Scene: That evening at a bar


Roger: I’m a dirty old man. Hey, look, floosies!

Don: They’re young.

Roger: Fine with me. Once they turn 30, women are all hags. Polka Dots there looks like a lot of fun. I can’t wait to buy her a bird.

Don: Good luck with that.

Roger: Wow. You sure must be starving. Hint hint. What’s Betty cooking? Hint hint. Mona hasn’t cooked since our bitchy daughter stopped eating. Hint hint.

Don: Fine. You can come over for dinner. I’ll call Betty. She won't be bitter or anything.


Scene: Don’s house over dinner


Roger: Wow, Betty. This is a fine steak. Are you sure you don’t want some?

Betty: No, no. Don’t mind me. I’ll just pick at this salad since I didn’t have enough food for everyone. Ass. But I spat on your steak anyway, so there.

Roger: Yessiree, this is fine steak.

Betty: I used to be fat.

Roger: I like to swim naked.

Don: This is getting weird.

Betty: I’m the worst fake smoker ever. Tell us a story about the war, Roger.

Roger: My dad poked people with a bayonet in WWI. I wish I got to do that in WWII.

Betty: Gee, you’re interesting.

Roger: I need more booze.

Don: I’ll see what I can find in the garage.

Roger: You’re hot, Betty. Can I poke you with my bayonet?

Betty: Go away.

Roger: You totally have hot pants for me.

Don: I’m back.

Roger: Oh. Nothing to see here. Hey, give me a glass of whatever that is so I can drink and drive. It’s 1960, so it’s still totally cool to do that. Bye!

Don: That’s my car.


Scene: Don’s kitchen


Don: What was that?

Betty: Huh?

Don: You totally had hot pants for him.

Betty: As if. He’s your boss. I was just being nice.

Don: I don’t want to be treated like this in my own home. At least when I cheat on you, which I do all the time, I have the decency to go to Midge’s apartment.

Betty: What are you gonna do, bounce me off the walls?

Don: Oooh, this is my big chance to throw some of Dr. Wayne’s psycho-speak back at you. Here I go.

Betty: Bring it, buddy.

Don: Sometimes I feel like I’m living with a little girl.

Betty: That’s it? I was expecting more drama.

Don: Me too. Sigh.


Scene: The next morning in Pete’s office


Kenny: What’s in the box?

Paul: Is it Gwyneth Paltrow’s head?

Pete: No, better. It’s a wedding gift I have to return. It’s a…wait for it…chip and dip.

Kenny: Huh?

Pete: See, you put chips on the tacky leaves, and dip here in this tomato-looking thing.

Kenny: I’m Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. What is this “dip” you speak of?

Pete: We had some at a party. Sour cream with little brown onions. It changed my life.

Paul: And you’re blowing off our drunken lunch plans to return this thing?

Pete: Yep. The wife is making me. I’m a pantywaist.

Kenny: Totally.


Scene: Don’s office


Roger: So, about last night.

Don: What? I’m playing it cool while I hatch a sinister plan.

Roger: I got really drunk and almost parked in the wrong garage. And by “almost parked in the wrong garage,” I mean “almost whipped out my bayonet and did some poking in your kitchen.”

Don: Your metaphors are lame. You don’t write any of the ad copy around here, do you?

Roger: No, I’m usually too busy smoking and drinking. And having nooners with Joan.

Don: Thank God. OK then, off you go.

Roger: So we’re cool?

Don: Of course. And by “of course,” I mean “I’m so totally going to screw you over.”


Scene: Department store returns desk. Pete is in line with his garish chip and dip thing.


Women in line: Oh, aren’t you adorable, returning your little gift?

Pete: Why yes, yes I am.

Women in line: You must not have a job. Or balls. All of our husbands are working or drinking or doing something manly while we hang out here.

Rosemary: Hi. I’m the young, nubile clerk. Did you lose your balls? Because this is returns, not lost and found.

Pete: Shut it and let me use my manly charm to get money back for this thing.

Kicks Matherton: Humps? Humps “the Camel” Campbell? Is that you? I didn’t recognize you without your balls.

Pete: Kill me now. What are you doing here?

Kicks: Having my racquet restrung. Nice wedding, by the way. I nailed a bridesmaid. Bye. And I’m coming back for you, little clerk girl.

Rosemary: Alrighty then, Humpty. I can give you store credit. Not cash.

Pete: Come on. Give me the cash. Then I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump.

Rosemary: (blank stare)

Pete: Whatever. By the way…Matherton? He has the clap.


Scene: Later that afternoon in Pete’s office


Paul, Kenny and Harry: Here we are, testosterone a-blazin’. Did you have fun shopping for girdles at lunch?

Pete: Oh, laugh it up. Check me out while I whip out my…

Peggy: Woo-hoo! Let me run and shave my legs!

Pete: Gun. I was gonna say, gun. It was the same price as a chip and dip. 22 caliber, bolt action. Yessirree, I am so totally NOT whipped by my wife. And now I’ll walk around the office aiming this at everyone and no one will freak out or say a word because it’s 1960 and people don’t go postal yet.

Everyone: Whee! Guns in the workplace are fun!


Scene: That afternoon in the conference room. The team is discussing the Nixon strategy.


Roger: Nixon needs an opponent.

Mr. Cooper: It’ll be Kennedy.

Roger: He’s inexperienced.

Mr. Cooper: He doesn’t even wear a hat.

Pete: You know who else doesn’t wear a hat? Elvis. That’s what we’re dealing with.

Everyone: (awkward stare)

Crickets: Chirp.


Scene: The next morning at the office. Don steps into the elevator.


Don: Hey there, elevator operator. Lemme ask you a question while I hand you a bunch of money.

Elevator operator: Oooh, are you hatching an evil plan to get back at someone?

Don: Why yes, yes I am. And it’s the kind of plan that isn’t at all ridiculous or implausible. The pieces will just magically fall together at just the right moment. It’s entirely realistic. Just you wait.

Elevator operator: Will I have another scene? Really, I was just on screen for about half a second before the elevator doors closed, and my mom is watching back home in Columbus.

Don: Sure. And you can even get a line of dialogue. Oh, and warn housekeeping that we’ll need a bucket.

Elevator operator: Yay!


Scene: Later that morning in Pete’s office


Peggy: Hi. Can you look at my copy now?

Pete: The copy I’ll steal and claim to be my own? Sho nuff.

Peggy: Yay! Hey, what’s that over there?

Pete: That thing that looks like a gun?

Peggy: Yeah.

Pete: It’s a gun.

Peggy: Golly.

Pete: Have you ever been hunting?

Peggy: I don’t think so.

Pete: It’s an incredible sensation. You know what I’ve always wanted to do?

Peggy: Totally have your way with me back in the supply room?

Pete: I’ve always wanted to kill something. Haul its carcass back to a cabin.

Peggy: Mmmmm. Oooooh. That’s nice.

Pete: I’d hang it up, gut it, dress it, then take my big hunting knife and cut the loin out of the side.

Peggy: Ooooh. Yes. Ooooooooh. Don’t stop. Oooooooooooh. Right there. Right there.

Pete: I’d go into the cabin and give it to a woman to cook. I’d sit at the table, and…

Peggy: Oooooooh! Yes! Yes! Yes! BRING IT HOME, BIG BOY!

Pete: She’d bring it to me and I’d wipe my knife on my knee and eat it while she watches.

Peggy: That would be wonderful. Now if you’ll excuse me. (runs to lunch cart)

Lunch cart guy: What can I get for you?

Peggy: Pant! Pant! I need a carton of cigarettes NOW!

Lunch cart guy: Don’t have that.

Peggy: Pant! Pant! AA batteries?

Lunch cart guy: Don’t have that.

Peggy: Pant! Pant! Hot dog?

Lunch cart guy: Don’t have that.

Peggy: Pant! Pant! Just give me the damn ham sandwich and cherry Danish.


Scene: Later at the supermarket


Betty: Oh look. There’s Helen, the divorced harlot on birth control. Hi, Helen!

Helen: Um.

Betty: How’s Glen?

Helen: Um. I wasn’t going to say anything. I was just going to walk on by.

Betty: Why? Because cabbage is four for a dollar?

Helen: No.

Betty: Because tomato soup is buy one, get one free in aisle 3?

Helen: No. God, you’re stupid.

Betty: Huh?

Helen: I found your lock of hair in Glen’s treasure box.

Betty: Oh, that. Well, he asked me for it.

Helen: What is wrong with you?

Betty’s hand: SLAP!

Helen’s cheek: Oh no she di-int!


Scene: Manhattan restaurant. Don and Roger are having lunch.


Don: Well, we have that big Nixon meeting in a bit, so let’s eat lots of oysters and drink gallons of Martinis and not do any planning whatsoever for what we’ll say there.

Roger: Woo-hoo!

Don: We’re still not drunk enough.

Roger: Drunk enough for what?

Don: Oh, it’s a surprise. Just you wait.

Roger: Woo-hoo! Hey, waiter, keep the oysters and martinis coming. Because nothing goes better with raw shellfish than a gallon of vodka!

Don: And cheesecake. Yes, we need lots and lots of cheesecake.


Scene: Later at the entrance of the Sterling Cooper building


Elevator operator: Sorry, fellas. The elevator is closed. Yessiree, I have a little sign here that says so and everything. Wink!

Don: Golly. Well, we sure have that important meeting with the Nixon people, so up the 23 flights of stairs we go!

Roger: 23 flights of stairs while drunk and full of raw oysters? What a great idea! Nothing bad could ever come of that! I’ll race you!


Scene: Shortly thereafter in the Sterling Cooper lobby


Don: I’m here. Wheeze wheeze. The elevator was down.

Mr. Copper. Hi. Here are the Nixon people.

Nixon people: Hidey.

Mr. Cooper: And here comes Roger Sterling.

Don: Oh, this is gonna be good.

Roger: Wheeze wheeze. Groan groan.

Roger’s stomach: For the love of God, I hope no one here mentions food.

Nixon guy: Hey, those people at United Fruit talk about you like you invented the damn banana!

Roger’s stomach: Oh God.

Roger: Bluuuuh. Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Bluuuh.

Lobby carpeting: That was entirely uncalled for.

Nixon people: And yet, we’re not really going to seem all that shocked. We work for Nixon, after all. Nothing can possibly offend us or gross us out.

Don: Wink!


(curtain down)


What did you all think of this episode? Honestly, I don’t even know what to make of it because it was so entirely weird. I noticed that it was written by Bridget Bedard, and she hasn’t been credited on any of the other episodes so far. This just had a totally different feel to it. Peggy’s orgasmic reaction to Pete's hunting fantasy was something to behold. But if anyone ever crosses me, now I know how to make sure he or she will puke publicly on cue. Because it will work that well. Expecially if the person already is a raging drunk with a really high tolerance.


Here’s the preview for next week’s episode, “The Hobo Code.” Oh, Lois, you are SO barking up the wrong tree with Salvatore.
















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