Attention Deficit Theatre: "Mad Men," Season One, Episode Eight

 

Pull up a chair, make sure there are no unsavory substances visible on the cushion, and join us for today’s presentation of “The Hobo Code.”

(curtain up)

 

Scene: Morning at Sterling Cooper. Pete Campbell is in the elevator.

 

Peggy: Hold the door, please!

Pete: Morning. I have a stick up my butt. Lookee you and your shiny little hat. It’s like a copper saucepan on your head. Good choice. What brings you here early? Got some soup to heat up for Draper?

Peggy: I came in for myself. Go on, ask me why.

Pete: Sigh.

Peggy: Really, I couldn’t sleep. I was filled with nerves. Come on. Ask me why.

Pete: I’m ignoring you. I’m moving today to my fancy pants apartment. I’ll go by at lunch and watch the help haul my overpriced furniture around. Yessiree, I am rich and important.

Peggy: Well, it IS a big day. For the love of God, would it KILL you to ask me why?

Pete: Golly, Peggy, what do you have to be so nervous about, other than the fact that your ass has doubled in size overnight?

Peggy: Mr. Rumsen is presenting my copy today to the Belle Jolie people.

 

Scene: Shortly thereafter in Pete’s office

Peggy: I’m going to get some coffee. Want some?

Pete: No. Close the door.

Peggy: Why?

Pete: Just close the door.

Peggy: Woo-hoo! I shaved my legs and everything!

Pete: Do you know how hard it is to see you walking around here every day?

Peggy: Really? With my boobs and thighs getting freakishly huge all of a sudden, I’d think it would be easier to spot me.

Pete: Shut up and let me unhinge my jaw over your neck. See, I’m a manly man, all in control of you. I’m not at all a pantywaist in my marriage, family or career.

Peggy: Oooh, this is all so Lestat of you!

Pete: Groan groan.

Peggy: Pant pant.

 

Scene: Two minutes later in Pete’s office

Peggy: Alrighty then. I have my clothes back on. Do you think about me?

Pete: I’ll be honest. A few times. Mostly when I hate myself. I wake up in the morning and I look in Trudy’s eyes, and I think, “Hag.”

Peggy: You’re not alone in this.

Audience: You’re so pregnant!

 

Scene: That morning in the Sterling Cooper operator bay

Lois: I’m new here. It’s fun to listen in on everyone’s calls! Look, this Salvatore guy is speaking Italian to his mother. He talks to her a lot. I’m getting all hot under the cardigan for him.

Joan: Hi. I’m here to bribe you with pastries so you don’t tell Mrs. Sterling that her husband will be riding me like Bronco Billy at lunch when she calls.

Lois: What do you know about Salvatore?

Joan: He’s debonair. Works in the art department. Lives with his mother. Dresses impeccably. Wears expensive, European cologne. Loves shopping for window treatments and is president of the Joan Crawford fan club.

Lois: Swoon! What could possibly go wrong by me throwing myself at him?

 

Scene: That morning in Mr. Cooper’s office

Cooper: Hidey.

Don: You wanted to see me?

Cooper: Yep. Here’s a bonus check for you. $2,500. Hey, have you ever read “Atlas Shrugged?”

Don: No, I’m usually too busy jumping my mistress or hiding my true identity to be literate.

Cooper: I think you and I are alike.

Don: Because I’m a crazy old coot who doesn’t wear shoes and decorates my office like a bathhouse in downtown Tokyo?

Cooper: Yes, that and the fact that we’re both strong and unsentimental about anyone who cares about us. Get a copy and read it. I’m going to trim my bonsai now.

 

Scene: Later in the art department

 

Lois: Hi. I’m looking for a really straight, single man.

Marty. Hello, you. Does my bow tie turn you on?

Duane: Hey, look! I’m played by the guy who was Ernie on “My Three Sons.” Wow, I’ve aged. I’m all bald and stuff.

Lois: I’m pretending to be lost. Is there a handsome, straight, Italian-speaking bachelor here to help me?

Duane: Do you remember the episode where Uncle Charley tried to teach me how to play the violin so I could play in the Douglas family orchestra?

Salvatore: Why, hello. I’m entirely straight. How may I help you?

Duane: Uncle Charley always smelled like Slim Jims and Wild Turkey. And he liked to watch me climb trees.

Lois: I've misread all the signs and I'm hopelessly lost. Can you help?
Salvatore: Of course, doll! I know this office like I know my own sexuality!
Lois: Oh, thank you! Ciao, Ciao!
Salvatore: Damn, I'm a manly catch for any young lady. Maybe I'll grow a beard.

 

Scene: Pete’s office

 

Hildy: Um, your wife’s here.

Pete: Lord. Send the shrew in.

Couch cushion: Um, Pete? Can I have a quick word?

Trudy: Hello! I’m decked out like Cruella de Vil. Let’s walk 30 blocks to the new apartment.

Couch cushion: Hello? You might want to take a gander over here, buddy.

Pete: I’m very important, Lovely. I don’t think I can get away.

Trudy: Well, let’s drink this champagne. I’m going to sit down over here on this couch. Here I go.

Couch cushion: Pssst! Pete! Over here!

Pete: Sweet cracker sandwich! Hey, look out the window, Trudy! Some other bitch down there is wearing your Dalmatian coat!

Trudy: WHAT?

Couch cushion: Flip!

Pete: Whew.

 

Scene: Conference room. The team is presenting its ideas to Hugh and Elliott from Belle Jolie.

Fred: And the tagline is “Belle Jolie lipstick. Mark your man.”

Hugh: I don’t like it.

Kenny: Yes you do.

Don: Let’s call it a day. Thank you for your time.

Hugh: Huh?

Don: You’re a non-believer. Why waste time on Kabuki?

Salvatore: Kabuki! With makeup and dancing? Let me go get my elaborate robe and eyeliner.

Elliott: My tell-tale pink shirt and tie will race you!

Don: Your customer wants to tell the world “He’s mine.” She marks him with her lips. You’re giving every girl that wears your lipstick the gift of total ownership.

Hugh: Oh, now I get it.

Salvatore and Elliott: Does that mean we don’t get to put on dresses and do dinner theater? Damn.

 

Scene: That evening at Midge's apartment

 

Don: Knock knock.

Fez: Hi. I’m on this annoying guy’s head. Save me.

Roy: Oh yay. It’s the ad man.

Don: Hi, Midge. I got a big bon…

Midge: Zip it up, buddy. Can’t you see I have guests? That would hardly be appropriate. Geez.

Don: Bonus. I was going to say…I got a big bonus.

Midge: Oh.

Don: Pack your bags. We’re going to Paris.

Midge: Wow, jetting off to Paris with you or staying here smoking cheap Mexican pot with my loser friends. I don’t know how to pick. OK, I’ll stay here.

 

Scene: Minutes later in Midge’s apartment. Everyone’s in a haze.

 

Don: I feel like Dorothy. Everything just turned to color. I’ll go to the bathroom now and have a weird flashback to my traumatic childhood.

Wayne and Garth: Doodly doo! Doodly doo! Doodly doo! Doodly doo!

 

Scene: Flashback to a depression-era farmhouse

Dick: Here I am, with this God-awful Moe haircut.

Hobo: Hidey. I’m a total cautionary tale about what can happen to your son when he grows up. I’m hungry. And I reek.

Dick’s dad: I’m an ass.

Dick’s stepmom: You can stay here and eat. You can work tomorrow.

Dick’s dad: I’m so totally going to reneg on the promise to pay you, so just act really surprised when it happens.

Hobo: Oh, yeah? Well then I’ll draw some weird thing that looks like a claw on your fencepost so all of the other hobos see that and know that a dishonest man lives here.

Dick’s dad: Bring it, Stinky.

 

Scene: That night at the Roosevelt Hotel bar

 

Elliott: Woo-hoo! You got my hint after the meeting and showed up.

Salvatore: I did no such thing. I finished giving my mother a Toni home perm and thought I’d stop by for an entirely heterosexual evening of manly drinking. I’ll have a Campari with a twist.

 

Scene: That night at P.J. Clark’s. Just about everyone from the agency is there celebrating Peggy’s winning Belle Jolie copy.

Jukebox: I’ll play “The Twist” now

Secretaries: SCREAM!

Peggy: This blouse makes me look totally Amish.

Joan and Paul: Look at us grinding away. Are we sleeping together?

Pete: I have a stick up my butt again.

Peggy: Hey, there’s Pete. I’m going to twist awkwardly, all the way over to him. I’m so seductive and liberated. Yes, watch me shimmy.

Pete: Look at the size of that ass. It wasn’t that big a month ago, was it?

Peggy: Dance with me.

Pete: I don’t like you like this. Where’s my freshly cooked deer loin, woman?

Peggy: Um.

Pete: I’m going to get my gun. And call Stanley Steemer about that sofa.

Peggy: Sob sob.

 

Scene: Later that night over dinner at the Roosevelt Hotel

 

Elliott: So, are you happy?

Salvatore: Um, no.

Elliott: Wanna come up to my room and check out my view? What with it being midnight and totally dark outside and all.

Salvatore: I don’t know what to say.

Elliott: You don’t have to say anything. Get good and drunk on your sambuca there and let me show you what “mark your man” really means. Heh heh.

Salvatore: Why, sir, I have no idea what you’re talking about! (opens parasol and twirls it while fanning himself with the other hand)

Elliott: What are you afraid of?

Salvatore: Well, I’m afraid of shirts with horizontal stripes. And domestic cheeses. But that’s not important right now. I will extend my hand to you in a most manly fashion. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a beard to don.

 

Scene: Midge’s apartment

Don: Hey, Midge, let me take a picture of you and Roy with this fancy pants Polaroid thingie.

Camera: Click.

Don (looking at photo) Of course.

Midge. What?

Don: You two. You’re in love.

Midge: What? That’s ridiculous.

Don: Every day, I make pictures where people appear to be in love. I know what it looks like.

Fez Guy: You’re such a liar. I’m going to belittle your career now.

Don: Stop talking. Make something of yourself.

Roy: Like you? You make the lie. You invent want.

Don: I hate to break it to you, but there is no big lie. There’s no system. The universe is indifferent. I am all about the truth now. Come on, Midge. Let’s run off to Paris and have hot adulterous sex while my wife stays home entirely clueless and lied to.

Midge: I can’t.

Don: OK. Then I’ll do something that makes complete sense and endorse this $2,500 check over to you. Buy yourself a car. Bye now.

 

Scene: Later that night at Don’s house. He walks into his little boy’s bedroom.

 

Don: Wake up, Bobby.

Bobby: Daddy?

Don: Ask me anything.

Bobby: I’m tired.

Don: Really. Ask me anything. Just not anything about science. Or bugs. Potent Potables is a good category. As is the Franco-Prussian War. Or Things that Rhyme with "Peanut." Yes, ask me anything.

Bobby: Why do lightning bugs light up?

Don: You just HAD to pick that one, didn’t you? Um, well, I don’t know, but I will never lie to you. Group hug! Uh-oh, I feel a flashback coming on!

Wayne and Garth: Doodly doo! Doodly doo! Doodly do! Doodly doo!

 

Scene: Back at the depression-era farmhouse

 

Hobo: Ok then. My work is done. Thank you for sharing your home with me.

Dick’s dad: Good luck to you.

Hobo: I’ll stand here while you get that coin you promised out of your pocket, yessiree. Oh, there you go, reaching in. Oh, wait. You’re just getting a cigarette. No problem, I’ll wait.

Dick’s dad. I’m not moving. Did I mention I’m an ass?

Hobo: Yeah, you sort of did. I’m not getting the coin, am I?

Dick’s dad: Nope.

Hobo: OK then. Off I go.

Dick: I’m gonna run and look at the fencepost. Hey, look! That claw looking thingie was carved in there a long time ago. My father is a deceitful ass. Boy, I hope I never grow up to be a big liar! Nosiree, I won’t lie for a living or cheat on my wife of have a secret identity. Honesty is fun!

 

(curtain down)

 

This was one of my least favorite episodes so far. Pete’s a tool, but we knew that. His motivation is pretty transparent -- he’s desperate to be his own man. The one big a-ha! for me was that Don’s/Dick’s upbringing in ye olde farmhouse was Christian. So we may not be in for the anticlimactic reveal of Jewishness, unless the “whore-child’s” mother was Jewish. My cold, bitchy heart did break a little for both Peggy and Salvatore. And what is up with the Joan/Paul flirtation?

 

Here’s a preview of this week’s episode, "Shoot." At last, Peggy’s rapidly expanding ass is the topic of discussion! It’s too obvious for her to be pregnant, isn’t it?