Unbound Edition - A “Load ’em Up!” Gourmet Nightmare

So, when I heard neighborhood chains like TGI Friday’s, Applebee’s, Red Robin, etc., began offering gourmet-inspired dishes to their menus, I imagined the generation of a culinary Renaissance. I was finally beginning to agree with this ‘democratization of luxury.’

When I actually visited the restaurants, ready for less expensive and more accessible offerings of the dishes I find at my favorite bistros, the experiences were nightmares, not ‘dreams come true.’ Rather than finding the tastefully simple dishes of the finer restaurants, I witnessed the terrifying spawn of ‘gourmet’ and ‘load ’em up!’.

Let me share: “Chipotle BBQ Salmon” at O’Charley’s; ciabatta rolls (my favorite bread for tasty Mediterranean veggie sandwiches) holdin “Smoked Brisket Dip” and “Chicken Finger BLT” messes at TGI Friday’s; edamame beans at McDonald’s; and the most frightening example: “The Bruschetta Chicken Burger” at Red Robin. The description of the sandwich contains enough gourmet indicators to make the diner feel sophisticated, but the combination is grotesque! “Perfectly grilled whole chicken breast with freshly prepared bruschetta salsa, pesto aioli, Provolone cheese, shredded romaine lettuce and balsamic cream on ciabatta bread.” What the hell is “brooshetta” salsa???

Bruschetta, one of my favorite hors d'oeuvre, is being bastardized all over chain menus. The term is enough to make people think ‘gourmet’ but bruschetta is the toast itself, not whatever ‘salsa’ people are putting on it! And, what the hell kind of a sandwich needs both pesto aioli and balsamic cream, two complex flavor ingredients?

The fact is, though, menu creators see an opportunity to bring in gourmet-seeking diners by amassing all of these gourmet keywords, regardless of the gastronomic catastrophe they create. It’s hard to find a simple cheeseburger on a menu today, but Quesadilla Burgers populate the pages. How did this disaster take place? When did it happen?

So, what? Can the taste buds be manipulated to crave dreadful gourmet-look-alikes, simply because they sound gourmet? Call me an elitist Epicure, but I think I’ll dine at home tonight.

fries wit dat
written by Tuber Q. Losis, June 13, 2007 04:54 PM

Dear God. I thought (hoped) you were kidding about the Bruschetta Chicken Burger, but then I went to the Red Robin site and, lookee there, it's real. Just add some red curry paste and pancetta and the nightmare will be complete. Even more horrifying is that Red Robin makes a big whoop-de-doo about its "Honest to Goodness" approach. I'm sorry, but this culinary hurlfest does not reflect that. At all.

Simplicity
written by Nelly, June 14, 2007 10:14 AM

Personalization is a fine idea. In fact, I hardly ever cook according to a recipe. Rather, I use recipes as a point of inspiration and then take it from there. BUT, there are foods you just don't mess with, such as the simplicity of a bruschetta. There is nothing more divine than a freshly prepared bruschetta. Sometimes, simplicity is the best cook.

Here, Here!
written by Emeril's BAM!, June 14, 2007 10:41 AM

If you look at the menus of many finer restaurants, they're dishes are simple (or at least described simply). There's a huge trend towards the correct use of simple ingredients both at restaurants and at home. Why the hell, then, are these chains creating these shitty menus with...I don't want to say complicated because that might imply thoughtful...shitty menus with DISASTROUS combinations of stand-alone ingredients?

Is there a population of diners out there who hold the mentality that tons of shit on a burger is best while also wanting more sophisticated ingredients? Is that why we see these horrifying items? Give them their loaded nachos, loaded fries and meat-lovers pizzas. But, don't fuck with simple bruschetta, and leave pesto and aioli to themselves. They don't need each other.

Peanut butter, jelly and avocado on cheesecake bread...
written by Eric R, June 14, 2007 06:47 PM

Are we going to let them co-opt the idea of gourmet this way? No. This is about food language porn, not true gourmet sensibilities. There's got to be a space for simple, elegant fast food in America, and I think America wants it, but the franchise media machine is working against it.

Anyone else noticed it's easier to whip up a gourmet appetizer plate at a Mobil On the Run gas station than it is to get a quality meal at any of the pain-chains?

I don't want the hamburger served between two Krispy Kreme donunts. To whit: they won't get my pesto-encrusted George Washington braised greenbacks.

E.