Grab your inappropriately aged soulmate and gather ‘round as the Unbound Edition Players, still delusional from too much Benadryl, present “The Inheritance.”

(curtain up)

Scene: Don’s office. He’s meting with Pete, Paul, Salvatore and Peggy.

Don: So Pete and Paul are going to California for this astronaut convention thingie.

Pete: Pasadena is lame. It’s just a bunch of immigrants with TB. I’ll bet none of them run around with guns or anything cool.

Paul: Look at me, saying “behoove.” God, I’m pretentious.

Pete: We’re the shizz. Oh, guess what, Peggy? We still don’t respect you.

Peggy: Whatever. I’m going to have Freddy come back and pee on your floor while you’re gone.

Scene: That night in the Campbell apartment

Trudy: Check out my little nightie. Can I go to California with you?

Pete: Oh, ha ha, Tweety. Good one. No, if you did, I’d just look like a total idiot.

Trudy: Fine. I’ll just take my shrunken ovaries to my parents’ house. They’re concerned that there’s not a little Pete Campbell prancing around. That they know of.

Pete: Why do you insist on making me angry before bed?

Trudy: There are some very reputable agencies.

Pete: It’s not natural.

Trudy: It’s like getting a puppy. We’d have our pick.

Pete: Do your parents think I say no to everything?

Trudy: Obviously not. They watched you hand your balls to me when we got this apartment.

Scene: That night at Don’s sad little room at the Roosevelt Hotel

Phone: Ring ring.

Don: Hello?

Betty: Hi.

Don: Hellooooo, booty call!

Betty: My dad had a stroke three days ago. I just found out.

Don: Not a booty call. So not a booty call. I’m coming to get you.

Betty: But what of my plans to spend the evening fake smoking?

Don: Fine. I’ll be there in the morning.

Betty: I’ve been dreaming about a suitcase.

Don: I’ve been living from a suitcase. Bitch.

Scene: The next day at Betty’s father’s house. Gloria, his new wife, greets Don and Betty at the door.

Gloria: Look at the two of you.

Betty: I can’t. I’m too blinded by your teal prom dress.

Don: Hidey. Can we stay at a hotel so we don’t have to be in the same room?

Gloria: Don’t be silly. Let’s all stay here and be as uncomfortable as possible. Don’t touch that light! Did I mention I’m a control freak?

William: Hi. I’m Betty’s weasel dwarf brother.

Gene: I look like John McCain. My friends, that stroke made me fond of big words like copasetic. (To Betty) Ruthie, get everyone some coffee.

Gloria: Ruthie’s dead, you old fart. I’m her replacement. That blonde idiot is your daughter, Betty.

Gene: I’ve had tons of strokes, you know. It runs in the family.

Betty: Suddenly, my “bird shooting” episode from last season makes sense. Lord.

Scene: Sterling Cooper. Paul’s girlfriend, Sheila, shows up for lunch.

Paul: Hi, baby. Smooch.

Pete: Hey Sheila. Your pompous ass boyfriend and I are going to L.A. together.

Sheila: What??

Pete: Los Angeles. It’s a city in California.

Sheila: But Paul, we’re supposed to go to Mississippi and fight racism! One look at me holding hands with you in your ascot and those racists will take their attack dogs and flee!

Kenny: Uh-oh. C’mon, Pete, let’s go put something else in that mouth.

Salvatore: Hello, you. Can I be of service?

Scene: Bud’s house. He and his brother, Pete,  are working on final paperwork for their late father’s estate.

Pete: Dude, where’s my money?

Bud: Dad squandered all of it. Let’s kill Mom tonight.

Pete: Good idea. Then I won’t have to deal with her nagging because Trudy’s loins are fruitless.

Bud. That must be disappointing.

Pete: We’re thinking of adoption.

Bud: People do that.

Pete: They do.

Bud: People don’t really talk like this.

Pete: They don’t.

Scene: Gene and Gloria’s house. Betty and William are talking in the living room.

Betty: Gloria sucks. She always talks about her skivvies.

William: I resent you for moving away and leaving me here with these two freaks. Hey, Don’s loaded. Can’t he build them a house in your back yard?

Betty: How dare you count other people’s money. The nerve! Hey, where’s that expensive sculpture that I was supposed to get when Mom died? That has to be worth thousands.

Scene: Somewhere else in Gene and Gloria’s house. Gene, Don, and William’s wife Judy are doing a puzzle together.

Gene: Who in the hell are you, Don, if that’s your real name? I know more about the kid who fixes my car. My daughter is a princess!

Betty: What’s going on?

Gene: He has no people. You can’t trust him!

Don: Squirm. Uh, let’s eat.

Betty: I don’t have an appetite.

Don: Birdy, you should eat.

Betty: What’s up with you and your coworkers having ornithological nicknames for your wives? Whatever. Stop acting like you care. Nobody’s watching.

Don: Did you just say “ornithological?”

Betty: Sweet cracker sandwich, I did. I’m having a stroke, aren’t I?

Scene: Pete’s mother’s home. He shows up as she and Bud are going through the paperwork.

Pete’s mom: Don’t get used to this.

Pete: Huh?

Pete’s mom: Being a part of this family. Bud says you’re considering adoption.

Pete: Oh, way to go, you ass.

Bud: It just came up! Mom said she was trying to update her will, and naturally I mentioned you were adopting. By the way, you look lovely tonight, Mom.

Pete’s mom: I’d hate to exclude you from what’s yours, Pete. Just keep porking Trudy. Adoption is just pulling from the discards. Your father would not approve.

Pete: I’m outta here. Oh, guess what? Dad spent all of your  money on strangers. Enjoy your government cheese.

Scene: That night at Gene and Gloria’s house. Betty and Don retire to their shared room.

Betty: Well, this is uncomfortable.

Don: Totally. Let’s see how awkward it can be for us to disrobe in front of each other.

Betty: Oh, I saw you trying to get a look at my 1962 bra with the 97 hooks in the back. Here’s a blanket. You’re sleeping in the floor, you cad.

(later that night)

Don: God, it sucks to be down here on the floor.

Betty: Hiya. Mind if I take you for a ride?

Don: Go for it. This has to be a dream sequence, right?

Betty: I think so. I’m such a sad sack lately. No way would I really jump you like this.

Don: Pant pant.

Betty: Moan moan. Grope grope.

Scene: The next morning in the kitchen.

Gene: You look beautiful.

Betty: Thank you.

Gene: Now that you’ve fed me, why don’t we go upstairs?

Gene’s hand on Betty’s boob: Honk! Honk!

Betty: Daddy!

Betty’s boob: Ewww. Is an Emmy really worth this?

Scene: Later that day back at the Draper house. Don and Betty walk in together.

Don: Alrighty then. I’m off to take a shower. Doodly doo.

Betty: Not so fast. I think you should leave.

Don: Oh, come on. I had the hottest dream about us last night.

Betty: That was real.

Don: It was? Damn. It was so out of character for you.

Betty: We were just pretending. Go away. I’m going to sit here and wait for the man of my dreams to sweep me off my feet.

Scene: The next day at Sterling Cooper. Don walks in during the surprise baby shower for Harry.

Kenny: Here’s a perfectly appropriate gift. Porn!

Harry’s bonnet: I’m very touched.

Paul: Oh, but that’s the point. After this screaming shit machine comes out, you’ll never be touched by your wife again.

(Cooper walks in)

Cooper: I just wanted to say happy birthday!

Crickets: Chirp.

Don: Joan, can I borrow you?

Joan: Sure. Can we plot some sort of elevator mishap that will have Jane plummet to her death?

Don: Sure. But first, clear my week. I have to avoid my sad home life, so I’m going to that rocket fair thingie in California. Send a memo to Paul about the change in plans.

Joan: I have a better idea. Hey, Paul. Let me emasculate you in front of everyone. You’re not going to the convention. I need your tickets and badge as soon as possible. OK, who wants cake?

Paul: Bitch. Fine, now I’ll call Sheila and make her think I grew a pair and said screw this convention, because I want to sit on a stinky crowded bus all the way to Mississippi with her. Yay.

Scene: After the baby shower. Pete approaches Peggy.

Pete: So, I’m going to L.A.

Peggy: Yeah. Statistically, it’s unlikely you’ll blow up like your dad.

Pete: I hate my mother. Did I mention I’m drunk? What do you think about adoption?

Peggy: I think it’s underrated. If I had a child, I’d give it away for adoption.

Pete: Wha?

Peggy: I’ll bet if you look hard enough, you can even find a baby that looks just like you.

Scene: The next day at the Draper house. Betty opens the door of the playhouse and finds Glenn there.

Betty: How long have you been out here?

Glenn: A few days. That clump of hair you gave me got… well… it got dirty. Can I have another?

Betty: Where’s your mom?

Glenn: My dad wants me to move in with him. My mom’s a tramp. Oh, and I stalk you when you drive down the street. Can I get naked in your house now?

Betty: Sure thing. Shower’s right upstairs. I’ll make it weirder by dressing you up like my husband.

Glenn: Sweet.

Scene: Later in Betty’s living room. She and Glenn are drinking soda and watching cartoons.

Glenn: Can I tell you something? I don’t like meat.

Betty: Um, ok. Want some mac and cheese?

(Glenn grabs Betty’s hand)

Glenn: I came to rescue you.

Betty: Did you bring your cape?

Glenn: I’m not joking. And you’d better be nice to me. Check out the credits. I’m Marten Holden Weiner. Matthew Weiner’s son.

Betty: Um, I’m sorry. Your name is “Holden Weiner?”

Holden: Oh my god, I just got that. Damn that Weiner!

Scene: Later that afternoon. Betty’s at the front door.

Betty: Glenn, can you come over here?

Glenn: Sure thing. Oh, crap.

Helen: Glenn, I’ve been worried sick. Don’t ever do that again.

Glenn: I hate you, Betty.

Betty: I know. But some day you’ll like me, Holden Weiner.

Helen: What!!?

Scene: Still later that afternoon. Helen comes back.

Helen: Hey. We need to talk. This has to stop.

Betty: Tell me about it. Since I last saw your son, Holden Weiner just hasn’t been the same. Oh, and I dumped Don. Coffee?

Helen: Gasp!

(Curtain down)

Well, this episode was an hour-long coma, as far as I’m concerned. Yeah, we get it, Betty. You’re still mad at Don. Well, not quite mad enough to stop mounting him like National Velvet at 2 a.m., but whatever. I keep wondering where we’re going with this adoption thing. How obvious would it be for Pete to end up with his own kid? Too obvious, right? Then again, we were all hollering “knocked up!” when Peggy started sporting her many chins last season, then thought that was too predictable, and damned if the Weiner didn’t whip it out in the end. Speaking of, I’d like to take a moment to thank Matthew Weiner for (a) naming his kid as he did and (b) putting him in the Glenn role. It’s a total gimme. And who thinks Paul and his kicky ascot will get their asses kicked at the protest?

Here’s a preview of the next episode, “The Jet Set.” Apparently, we’re working with Right Guard as a client, but all I can focus on is Salvatore back there paging through “Playboy.” Nice. I promise to be back on schedule with a more timely recap for that one. Pinkie swear. 

For more articles by Kristin Ament, including Attention Deficit Theatre recaps of all episodes of "Mad Men," click here. 

And visit the Mad Men-crazy Lipp siblings over at Basket of Kisses when you have a few minutes. They scored an interview with the actress who plays Trudy this weekend. Nice work, ladies.

Comments (17)

Name

Title

Comment

Add Comment