|
The Unbound Edition Players now present “Six Month Leave.”
Be sure to pick up one of our UE-branded catheters at the gift kiosk on your way home this evening.
(Curtain up)
Scene: Morning at the
Draper house. Betty wakes up, alone and disheveled.
Carla: Come on, kiddies, let’s go to school!
Bobby and Sally: We like you so much more than our own mom.
She’s a pathetic deadbeat with tragic hair.
Betty: Wow. Any mother with a soul would be pretty upset
right now, racing down the stairs to embrace the fruit of her loins. Nah. Now where are those cigarettes?
Carla: Oh.
Bobby and Sally: Her people are
Nordic.
Scene: The elevator at
the office building
Don: Hidey.
Hollis: Did you hear about Marilyn Monroe?
Peggy: It’s very upsetting.
Don: Whatever. Do you know what’s really upsetting? Losing
an Emmy to that guy from Malcolm in the Middle. He’s not even talented. If the writers had given me cancer and a disabled child this
season, I would have been a shoo-in. Damn that Weiner!
Hollis: I’m wise and philosophical despite my post as a lowly
elevator operator. I once wrote a poem about suicide.
Don: Suicide is disturbing. Or so I’ve heard. I certainly
didn’t drive anyone to suicide. No siree. Doodly doo.
Scene: Later in Don’s office.
Jane walks in.
Jane: I screwed the pooch last night.
Don: Chauncey?
Jane: No, your daughter called to see when you’d be
back from your business trip. I didn’t know what to say, so I just said
Wednesday.
Don: Great. Just stay out of my personal life, okay? And
stop giving me those pitiful looks.
Jane: Understood. I’m really the queen of discretion. Trust
me. You have NO idea what I’m doing on your desk when you’re not looking.
Chauncey: Call me, babe.
Scene: Freddy Rumsen’s
office. Pete, Peggy and Salvatore walk in.
Freddy: Well, howdy do. Has anyone seen my liver? Anyhoo,
the big Samsonite clients are coming here any minute for our big presentation.
Who wants a drink filled inappropriately high?
Salvatore: Me! Me!
Pete: Check out my suit. I look like Violet Beauregard. OK,
so let’s rehearse our lines.
Freddy (reading copy): My Samsonite suitcase and I will go
to so many places. I hate my Silhouette because it’s empty.
Freddy’s bladder: Speaking of empty…aaaaaaah…much better.
Freddy’s carpeting: Damn that weiner!
Pete: What the hell, Freddy?
Freddy: Tell Chauncey… I’m sorry… (Passes out.)
Pete: Holy crap. The clients came all the way from Colorado for this
meeting. Do we cancel?
Salvatore: Peggy can stand in for Freddy.
Peggy: But I don’t drink!
Pete. Never mind that. You’re on. God, that is disgusting.
What a cretin Freddy is. There is no absolutely place for bodily fluids in the office.
Peggy: Yes. Yes, that’s true.
Pete’s couch cushion: Um, guys?
Pete and Peggy: Shut it.
Scene: The Draper
house. Betty’s face down asleep on the couch after drinking some wine. Sarah
Beth shows up.
Sarah Beth: Hey. Can I borrow a dress for tonight?
Betty: What? Sure, whatever. Oh, Don and I aren’t coming.
I’m, uh, sick. Cough. Cough. Here. You can wear long white gloves with this
dress and look like a stripper.
Beth: I am really hot for that doofus Arthur at the riding
stables.
Betty: Whore.
Sarah Beth: Gosh, you’re lucky, though. Don is perfect. Yessiree,
he is quite a catch. Not that I’ve ever caught him. Or heard about the many
women who have.
Betty: Simmer.
Scene: Roger’s office.
He walks in and finds Joan on the couch.
Roger: Woo-hoo! Let me get my saddle.
Joan: Settle. I’m mourning Marilyn. She was beautiful and
young.
Roger: Yes, well, you’re nothing like her.
Joan: Ouch. One day, you’ll lose someone who’s important to
you. It’s very painful.
Roger: You know what’s painful? Losing an Emmy to Zeljko
Ivanek. That’s not even a name. It’s a Scrabble draw.
Scene: The next
morning in Don’s office.
Jane: Good morning.
Don: What is that smell? Leather, hay and sugar cubes?
Jane: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Want some
Martinson’s coffee?
Smith and Smith: (sidling in playing bongos) “Martinson’s!
Martinson’s!”
Don: Kill me.
Jane: About that coffee?
Don: Yes, and a bear claw. It’s 1962 and we don’t know about
cholesterol. Can I get a side of lard? Hey, what’s this?
Jane: It’s a bag of shirts I got for you. From Menken’s. That’s
where all of the cheating bastards shop. Uh, not that I know any cheating
bastards. Ahem.
Scene: Later in
Roger’s office. Don has been called to a meeting.
Don: What gives?
Pete: Bad news. We were on the launch pad for Samsonite and
Freddy pissed his pants.
Roger: It’s conduct unbefitting.
Don: Please. You hurled up oysters in front of the Nixon
people last season. We’re all functional alcoholics here.
Duck: I do NOT tolerate out-of-control drinking in this
office. Just ask Chauncey. Freddy is a total loser. La-hoo-za-hur. He has to go.
Roger: OK, that’s settled. We’re canning the drunk over
dinner tonight. Now let’s all drink!
Scene: Later that
night at a restaurant. Roger and Don have brought Freddy out to be the Bob
Sugars to his Jerry Maguire.
Roger: So you’re going to take a six month leave of absence.
Freddy: What? It was just a snafu.
Freddy’s squeaky shoe: Oh, I beg to differ, my good man.
Freddy: Duck just hates me because he’s as dry as a popcorn
fart. Chauncey told me so.
Roger: I like you, Freddy. Any man who kills Germans is a
friend. But I have to cut you loose. Six months in rehab and you’ll be good as
new. Now let’s get shitfaced. To rehab!
Freddy: Hear, hear! I’m telling everyone I meet tonight I’m
a race car driver!
Don: I’ll tell everyone that I’m Tilden Katz!
Roger: Who?
Don: Um, four episodes ago? “The New Girl?” Do you people
even read the scripts?
Roger: Is he friends with that guy from the Israeli tourism
board? Urine, was it?
Yurem: It’s Yurem!
Scene: Later that
night at an underground casino
Roger: Dude, I’m totally on to you. You get in the office
too early. I’ve been there. Marriage blows.
Freddy: Hey, Don! Look who’s here!
(Don sees Jimmy Barrett at one of the tables)
Jimmy: Well, if it isn’t the man in the grey flannel suit.
Don’s fist: Smack!
Jimmy’s jaw: Oof!
Don: Grin and bear that,
you son of a bitch.
Scene: Outside the
club, moments later.
Roger: Hey, that was sure fun. OK, Freddy, now that your
career is over, let’s hug it out and dump you into this cab. Enjoy your
downward spiral!
Scene: Later at
another bar.
Roger: Dude, seriously. What’s going on?
Don: I’m at the Roosevelt.
Roger: Do you feel like an ass?
Don: Hell, no. I feel relieved.
Roger: Did you fall in love?
Don: No, but that would have been easier.
Roger: No, that would suck. Being in love with some
incredible woman you can’t have because you’re married?
Don: It’s just life. You have to move forward.
Roger: Right on, bro. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some spurs
to sharpen.
Scene: The next
morning in Don’s office. He’s drinking Alka-Seltzer.
Peggy: You wanted to see me?
Don: Well, “want” is stretching it. Why do you insist on
looking Amish? Anyway, Samsonite digs you. They want you to be the head copywriter
on the account.
Peggy: But what about Freddy?
Don: He should be face down in a gutter in Philly by now.
But lookee you, all promoted again. Be sure to thank Pete for squealing.
(Peggy marches into Pete’s office)
Peggy: You couldn’t keep your mouth shut! Freddy got canned.
Pete: Those people have no self-control. Ask Chauncey. Look,
we both got raises. You may get Freddy’s office. And if you play your cards
right, a couch of your own!
Peggy: I can’t believe you’ve seen me naked.
Scene: Don’s office.
Roger’s wife, Mona, storms in.
Mona: I don’t know what to say.
Don: Me neither. It’s shocking. Who knew you could fashion
an entire dress out of doilies?
Mona: Shut it. Roger is leaving me for a secretary. He said
he’s in love and you think it’s great. You said “It’s your life. You have to
move forward.”
(Mona storms out. Roger puts his arm around Jane before she
runs off crying.)
Don: I want her off my desk.
Roger: You don’t know what you’re missing. Speaking of, have
they invented Pledge yet?
(Curtain down)
Jeez, Betty, just snap the hell out of it. She and Don are
really getting tiresome, aren’t they? And who knew Jane was such a fast worker?
It’s been four episodes and she’s already busted up Roger’s 25 year marriage? Getting
Don’s shirts from the Cheating Bastard collection at Menken’s was a nice touch,
though. I’ll give this episode a ho-hum C. How did it grab you?
In the next episode, “The Inheritance,” Betty visits her
ailing father, Paul's girlfriend Sheila tries to convince him to prioritize his
civic duties, and Pete's mother disapproves of an idea that Pete and Trudy are
considering (adoption?), but you’d never know it from this lame-o clip about
astronauts and Pete-Wee Herman.
To read more articles by Kristin Ament, including Attention Deficit Theatre recaps of all "Mad Men" episodes, click here.
Still hungry for more? Check out Patrick Davis' comparison of "Mad Men" and "Bewitched" characters here and then stop by and wave a howdy to the lovely lasses at Basket of Kisses. Tell 'em Large Marge sent ya.
 |
