Unbound Edition - Help! I Just Got Beat by a Bunch of Pussies

Cats! I’m losing to cats! This is unacceptable. Right now, I feel a lot like this guy.

Unique users throughout the Internet, I humbly request your attention for this brief plea.

Here’s the deal. I’m extremely competitive. And we’ve got what we call the “UE Weekly Top 30.” It ranks the top 30 most visited pages on our site. (We’re working on adding a link to this list on the home page.) I held the top spot for nigh on eight weeks. And now, Rachel Newman and her damn cats have taken that spot from me.

We encourage every company to be transparent. So, in the spirit of transparency and openness and honesty, I come to you on my knees begging. I ain’t too proud. Please visit my articles. I can’t lose to pussies. And if that means I have to pack up my pride and beg, then so be it.

I feel like I deserve to have the most visited article on the site. I mean, I’m the editor-in-chief for Christ’s sake. I live on the computer. Seriously. I don’t mean this as a boast. It’s just fact. I’ve even written a little poem about it:

So, I ask you, Mr. Unique User, please visit my articles. You’re who I’m after. This is sort of like WWII (sort of right?), and I Want You!

I want to have the most viewed article on Unbound Edition. Right now, I’m number two. Who wants to be number two? That's like winning the silver medal. And as Seinfeld said of the silver, “When you win that silver it's like "Congratulations, you ‘almost’ won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You're the number one ‘loser.’ No one lost ahead of you!"

I want to have the most Dugg, Redditted, Slashdotted, Newsvined, Stumbled Upon, Technorati’d and Del.icio.us article on our site (if not on the Internet, but beggars can’t be choosers).

So, please. Pretty please. With sugar, ice cream and a cherry on top. Uniques unite! And get your mice (mouses?) ready! Click here. Click there. Click everywhere. Just click on me.

Digg me. Reddit me. StumbleUpon me. Slashdot me. Simpy me. Newsvine me. Do it all!

And if you just can’t bring yourself to visit my articles and share them, then I’ve recently read of a new approach. Just ask you what you want . So…what do you want from me? I swear I’ll do it. (I’ve already proven I’m rather shameless.) Just comment below or contact me.

...
written by Ozark Hobo, June 08, 2007 10:26 AM

ozark hobo sez: this is pathetic, yo!

LOLpussies
written by BobDoleSez, June 08, 2007 10:39 AM

BobDoleSez: get used to it. Pussies beat me in the erection. I mean election.

outtie five thousand
written by Ozark Hobo, June 08, 2007 10:44 AM

hobo doesn't approve of foul language.

foul?
written by BobDoleSez, June 08, 2007 10:47 AM

what's wrong with birds?

democracy is overrated
written by senorbeavis, June 08, 2007 10:48 AM

Gross. Never, NEVER say the word "election" before noon. Some of us have only had one cup of coffee so far.

Senorbeavishasspoken!

Fowl.
written by Ozark Hobo, June 08, 2007 10:49 AM

hobo likes birds.

...
written by redneck ricky, June 08, 2007 11:06 AM

ricky likes birds too. good eatin. as is other stuff. (heh heh)

Wifey Agrees
written by Jessica, June 08, 2007 11:46 AM

Being that I am mentioned in this post, I think it's only fair that I weigh in. The cartoon from the poem....that really is Boyd's life. Sad but true. Last night, he sat up in bed and proclaimed, "It's you! I just figured out that it's you! You did it." Me, flabbergasted and half-asleep said, "I did what?" My loving husband responded, still asleep, "You posted the links on the forum. I just figured it out." All I could say was, "Boyd, I don't even know what you are talking about. I think you are dreaming about work. Go back to sleep."

Vote for this man, already, so that we can both rest easier at night. Thank you in advance for your support!

the ballad of boyd and jessica
written by john ono, June 08, 2007 12:10 PM

you're sadder than paul brotha. Getting your wife to do your dirty work.

The newspapers said, "She's gone to his head, they look just like two gurus in drag." Christ you know it ain't easy.

okay
written by boyd, June 08, 2007 12:48 PM

First, ozark hobo. You are a self-proclaimed hobo. Isn't "one who wanders from place to place without a permanent home or a means of livelihood" forbidden to criticize? Well...i guess, per that definition, Jesus would be a hobo, and he criticized a few folks, but I digress.

And John, you're making fun of me? You took your wife's last name. Talk about sad.

Cat scratch fever...
written by Eric Raymond, June 08, 2007 06:21 PM

Oh, Boyd, the foam finger of fate has sent you over the edge, my friend. Bed rest is the answer. Don't let the fever break you.

E.

even the internet
written by moldy, June 08, 2007 06:24 PM

...has street hustlers. walk on by people, he's just an addict.

I've got 27 open windows...
written by Joe, June 12, 2007 01:18 PM

...on my desktop, but can't find the original article again to comment. Damn, but I wanna help this guy out.

Who's number two?
written by Jim, July 20, 2007 04:25 AM

I see that your wife has no idea what you are talking about. But hey, neither do I.