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Please take your seats as the Unbound Edition players
present “The Gold Violin.” Heads up to the front row: you might want to have
some Gallagher-esque plastic sheeting on standby.
(Curtain up)
Scene: Fancy pants car
dealership. Don Draper sashays around a new Caddy as Wayne the Salesguy sidles over
Wayne:
Afraid you’ll fall in love?
Don: Your pretentious accent is becoming, but I still have a
couple of ladies left in Hoboken
to bang before I have officially exhausted all female possibilities in a
500-mile radius. But thanks.
Wayne:
Alrighty then. So this is the 1962 Coupe
de Ville. For when gents like you need to exhaust more than a few possibilities.
Let me get the keys for you.
Don: Oh no. Here comes another flashback.
Wayne
and Garth: Doodly do! Doodly do! Doodly do!
(Don flashes back to 1952)
Don: Good lord. I was a used car salesman? Nice dig at the
advertising industry, Weiner.
Don’s hair. Whoa. Check me out. I’m all puffy. I guess a
little dab won’t be doing you for a few years, eh, buddy?
Don: Hey there, little lady. Can I help you?
Woman: Are you Donald Draper?
Don: Why yes, yes I am. I couldn’t possibly be any less Don
Draper.
Woman: You’re a hard man to find.
Don: I am?
Woman: You’re not Don Draper.
Don’s pants: Fill.
(Flashback ends)
Wayne:
Let me take you for a ride.
Don: No riding for me today, thanks.
Wayne:
I don’t hear that a lot.
Don’s groin: He doesn’t say that a lot.
Scene: Later in Don’s
office
Roger: Jane the secretary is so hot for you. Wait til she
finds out about your new Caddy. Do you know how invigorating it is to write a
check for $6,500 and not care?
Don: Well, I know what it’s like to buy off a bohemian
mistress for $2,500. Oh, and to bribe a long-lost brother with $5,000 in hush
money before he offs himself. Is it like either of those?
Duck: Hey, here I am with another new business opportunity
that no doubt will be fart in the wind. This one is for Martinson Coffee. We
need to get kids to drink their sludge.
(Mr. Smith and Smitty enter)
Smitty: So here’s how my generation feels, man. Dig it.
Love. Reflectiveness. Reason. Yeah, I’m deep, man. Dig it.
Don: That’s a crock.
Smith: I’m muttering something unintelligible in whatever
foreign accent this is.
Smitty: Our generation doesn’t want to be told what to do or
how to act. We just want to BE.
Don: Fine. Could you two BE more like the Ambiguously Gay
Duo?
Scene: Conference room
as the team wraps up a Pampers meeting
Harry: Check me out. Old man Cooper wants to see me and only
me.
Kenny: Isn’t that from “West Side
Story?”
Salvatore’s heart: Palpitate. Palpitate.
Paul: Fool. The geezer just wants you to see his new
painting.
Jane: Let’s just go look at the damn thing. Cooper’s gone
for the day.
Guys: Holy shit. Check out the balls on this broad.
Scene: Shortly
thereafter in Cooper’s office. Jane, Kenny, Harry and Sal ogle the painting.
Jane: Um, ok. Smudgy squares. Let’s steal it and sell it for
street drugs. I’m wild, I tell ya. Woo!
Salvatore: It’s a Rothka. It must mean something.
Kenny: It’s like looking into something very deep. You can
fall in.
Salvatore: Swoon!
Salvatore: You know, Kenny, your story about maple trees was
so sad and beautiful.
Kenny: Maybe you can come home with me sometime and tap for
syrup.
Salvatore’s heart: Seize.
Scene: The next day in
the office
Kenny: Hey. I was thinking about what you said about my
story. You’re not like everyone else around here.
Salvatore: Oh, I don’t know if that’s true. Have you seen
Paul’s ascots and Cooper’s French pedicure?
Kenny: Will you read my new story?
Salvatore’s entire cardio-pulmonary system: Sputter sputter.
Hack hack.
Salvatore: Why, I’d be honored. I’ll begin immediately. Come
over and have dinner with me and Kitty. We’ll start with steak tartare, then
cocktail wieners, followed by nice, plump kielbasa. And for dessert,
cream-filled éclairs.
Scene: The conference
room. The team is presenting concepts to the Martinson Coffee client
Smitty: Stop telling my generation what to do, man. We want
to find things for ourselves, dig? We want to feel. Hit it, Sweetheart.
(Peggy plays a radio spot involving some sort of Latin
American-inspired ditty)
Radio ad: Exotic girrrrrl. Exotic brewwwwww. Martinson.
Martinson. Martinson. Martinson.
Client: Um, a jingle? I’m on Grin and Barrett, right? Come on, where’s
Jimmy?
Don: We’re for real. It’s more than a jingle.
Client: What do you think?
Peggy: It stays with you. Like the unbreakable bond between
mother and child.
Scene: Jane’s desk
Joan’s boobs: Hi.
(ten minutes later)
The rest of Joan: You broke into Mr. Cooper’s office with
executives after hours.
Jane: Nuh-uh.
Joan: I don’t make empty accusations.
Jane: Harry tied me up and carried me.
Joan: Harry wears a clip-on bowtie and tighty whities. Try
again.
Jane: What’s wrong with you? Oh, right. You’re a bitter old
tramp with a bone to pick.
Scene: Outside the
Draper house. Don, charged up by winning Martinson and being told by Cooper that
he needs to start whooping it up, bought the Caddy.
Betty: Don! It’s gorgeous! It’s like the cockpit of a jet.
Butt-head: Huh huh. She said “cock.”
Don: Get in, but hermetically seal yourself first. It was
expensive.
Betty: I can’t wait to pull up to Jimmy Barrett’s party in
this on Monday.
Don: Huh?
Betty: He called here and invited us to a party. I think he
likes talking to me. I can’t imagine what kind of agenda he might have, since I
am oblivious to everything. Here, let me kiss you. Mwah. The kids aren’t going
to be home for an hour. Wink. Nudge.
Don: Oh, not in here, missy. This car must never be sullied.
Scene: Roger’s office.
Jane and her newly collected things stop by.
Roger: Nice box.
Jane: Thanks. I just got canned.
Roger: And a wonderful can it is. Go home and come back on
Monday. I’ll take care of it all.
Jane: Golly. That’s so unexpected. How can I ever thank you?
Roger: Have you ever worn a saddle?
Scene: The Romano
house. Kenny shows up for dinner with Salvatore and Kitty.
Kenny: So, how did you meet?
Kitty: We grew up on the same block. I’ve always had a thing
for older men who live with their mothers and know every lyric to “South
Pacific.”
Kenny: So what did you think of my story?
Salvatore: I loved it. LOVED it.
Kitty: He won’t let me read it. He only reads it alone in
the bathroom while listening to Judy Garland. Jeepers, he’s so very private.
Salvatore: It was lovely. Let’s toast to “The Gold Violin!”
Kenny: I saw one at the Met once. It was perfect in every way,
except it couldn’t make music.
Salvatore: Perhaps it just needed the right guy to work the
bow.
Scene: Somewhere
grassy as the Drapers enjoy a family picnic
Sally: I wish I could play with Silly Putty.
Don: Please. You’d just get it stuck in the seats. My car,
my precious, must remain forever pristine.
Bobby: I need to pee.
Don: Whip it out over there by that tree. I used to whiz in
an outhouse back on the farm.
Sally: Are we rich?
Betty: Sally, it’s such bad manners to talk about money. Now,
if you’ll excuse me, I have to leave all of our trash on the grass for some poor person to ferret through later.
Iron Eyes Cody: Sob.
Scene: Dinner at the
Romano house
Salvatore: Here, Kenny, let me weaken your inhibitions with
more wine while we giggle about work.
Kitty: My cousin has an ad agency in Montreal.
Salvatore: Do you hear something? So tell me more about
yourself while I stare dreamily into your eyes.
Kenny: Um, I should go.
Salvatore: You can’t! Here, let’s smoke.
(Kenny lights Salvatore’s cigarette.)
Kitty: Squirm.
Kenny: Seriously, I have a long drive back. This has been
great. Ta.
(Kenny leaves.)
Kitty: Look, you ass. I tried to include myself and you
dismissed me. A lot of people find me interesting. Do you even see me here?
Salvatore: Of course I do, Kelly.
Kitty: It’s Kitty.
Salvatore: Whatever. I’ll distract you with some pie. Go put your feet
up and I’ll do the dishes.
(Salvatore finds Kenny’s lighter and puts it in his pocket.)
Scene: The next day at
Jane’s desk
Joan: What on God’s green earth are you doing here?
Jane: Did Mr. Sterling speak with you?
Joan: What would he possibly have to do with this?
Jane: He said you’re a tempestuous, temperamental bitch.
Joan: I hope your soon-to-be-received bird poops all over your apartment.
Scene: Party for Jimmy
at the Stork Club. Don and Betty, all gussied up, walk in.
Bobbie: Why, hello.
Don: Um, let me go get some drinks.
Betty: I’ll go. You have work to talk about.
(Jimmy approaches Betty.)
Jimmy: Hello, gorgeous. Here, have another drink.
Betty: I’ve already had so much. But ok. What could possibly
go wrong?
Jimmy: Look at us, over here at the kid’s table. What do you
think happened between our spouses?
Betty: I'm embarrassingly obtuse.
Jimmy: Duh, woman. Look at them. They’re totally getting it
on. Bobbie’s jacket has been to the cleaners five times this month.
Betty: I don’t like what you’re saying. You people are ugly
and crude.
Don’s dinner napkin from Lutece: Au contraire, Cherie. You
have no idea what ees really ugly and crude.
Scene: That evening in
front of the t.v. at the Romano house
Kitty: I’m sitting here not talking to you while I sew.
Salvatore: I’m placing Kenny’s lighter close to my heart.
Kenny’s lighter: I’m really scared of where Salvatore’s
going to put me later.
Salvatore’s mom: I’m sleeping on the couch. Where in the
hell did I come from? Why wasn’t I invited to dinner? I live here, right? This
is weird. God, I’m not dead like Norman Bates’ mother or anything, am I?
Salvatore: A boy’s best friend is his mother.
Salvatore’s mom: Gah!
Scene: Back at the
Stork Club. Don is heading out.
Jimmy: Leaving so soon?
Don: Betty isn’t feeling well.
Jimmy: Hey, thanks for your help with the show. You got me
everything I wanted. And what did you get? Bobbie? Lots of people have had
that.
Don: Excuse me?
Jimmy: I laugh at you. You don’t screw another man’s wife.
You’re garbage and you know it.
Scene: Shortly
thereafter in the Coupe de Ville. Don and Betty stare ahead in silence.
Betty: Stew.
Don: Stew.
Betty’s stomach contents: Stew. Gurgle. Purge.
Iron Eyes Cody: Heh.
(Curtain down)
Ah, the denouement with the hurling was something to behold.
Not unlike when Don got back at Roger last season by filling him with oysters
and booze until he puked in front of clients. I thought this was a great
episode, mostly because I’ve been dying to peek behind the curtain into the
Romano household. Was I the only one who was scared that Sal would amble over
to Kenny’s pad to return the lighter and make really awkward advances? Who do
you think the “Gold Violin” is? Could be either Salvatore or Don, I guess. Both
put on a good show on the outside and look the perfect part, but inside, are
fraudulent, broken messes. Really, Kitty, you didn’t pick up on anything
sooner? And how delicious is the catfighting between Joan and Jane? Stand back,
Jane. Joan’s boobs could put an eye out.
Here's a gander at what's in store for us next week with "A Night to Remember."
For more articles by Kristin Ament, including Attention Deficit Theatre recaps of all "Mad Men" episodes, click here
And for even more Mad Men mayhem than you can shake a stick at, check out our friends over at Basket of Kisses.
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