|
This week, the Unbound Edition Players, accompanied by their love children, present their interpretation of “Flight 1.”
(curtain up)
Scene: The hallway outside a noisy party.
Pete: This sounds like the place.
Trudy: I’m pretentious. I’m worried about the car. Because this is New Jersey, which clearly is peopled entirely by hooligans.
Pete: We can still go home. This was your idea.
Trudy: But all of these people work for you, you big strong management type, you.
Pete: Huh? Oh, right. Lovely, go easy on that. Some of them don’t feel that way. And, by the way, I’m really a peon and just keep lying to you about my job.
Trudy: What?
Pete: I said a dog peed on me while I was buying a corncob.
Trudy: Swell! Let’s go inside.
Scene: Inside the party at Paul’s apartment. A guy is hitting on Peggy.
Trudy: Hey, Peggy. Who’s your friend?
Peggy: This is Eugene. He watched Paul wear a lot of dresses at Princeton.
Paul: Hellooooo! Check out my kicky ascot and pipe. My transformation to Charles Nelson Reilly is nearly complete. Oh, hey, Joan.
Joan: Hey. Nice goblet. Are we sure you’re not gay?
Paul: Of course I’m not. Here. Let be prove it. I want you to meet my baby, Sheila.
Sheila: It’s Sheila White.
Paul: Can I get anyone more irony? I’ll be right back. Please don’t talk to each other.
Joan: So you work at a grocery store? How nice. Someday, you’ll get to shop in one.
Sheila: Um, yeah. And you’re a secretary, right?
Joan: Touché. It’s good to see you and Paul together. When we were together, the last thing I would have taken him for is open minded.
Sheila: I love your purse. Can I beat you to death with it now?
Scene: The hallway of Paul’s apartment. Eugene is climbing all over Peggy.
Eugene: Come home with me.
Peggy: Why?
Eugene: Because I live alone. And I’m a good kisser.
Peggy: I’m in the persuasion business. Frankly, I’m disappointed by your presentation. Now, if you were married and carried large firearms around the workplace, I’d let you violate me on unsuspecting office furniture at 8:30 a.m.
Pete’s Couch Cushion: She ain’t kidding, buddy.
Scene: The next day in the Sterling-Cooper office. Roger and Don walk in and find everyone standing around the radio.
Roger: Excuse me. This is a place of business.
Paul: Shut it. A plane went down. American Airlines flight 1 to L.A.
Peggy: Well, that sucks. Speaking of sucking, I’m randomly bringing a massive vacuum to the office. Carry on.
Don: Cancel everything in production for Mohawk Airlines. We don’t want everyone opening the morning paper and seeing a Mohawk ad next to a picture of a floating engine. Now stop crying and figure out how we’ll hit the ground running in three weeks.
Paul and Duck: Sure thing. But first, let’s tell inappropriate jokes about plane crashes.
Pete: Hey, me, too! Has Head and Shoulders been invented yet? I have great jokes about that.
Scene: Later in Don’s office
Don: Hidey. What’s going on?
Pete: I just got off the phone with my brother. My father was on that plane.
Don: Oh. Wait, I know this one. Did he have dandruff?
Pete: I’m serious. I don’t know what to do.
Don: Go home.
Pete: I don’t know how old he was. Am I supposed to cry?
Don: You’re in shock. Go home and be with your family.
Pete: Ewww. Why?
Don: Because that’s what people do.
Pete: Is that what you would do?
Don: Yeah. Well, first I’d probably drink myself into a stupor, and then I’d wander to the Village and service my old mistress. Then I’d get my boss drunk and full of oysters so he’d puke right on cue in front of a room full of clients. Oh, and I’d drive my long-lost brother to suicide. But then I’d totally go home to what’s her name.
Pete: Betty?
Don: Oh. Right.
Scene: Shortly thereafter in Cooper’s office
Cooper: Hi. I’m not dead yet. Duck, tell Don here about your phone call.
Duck: My old buddy at American says they’ll want to make changes.
Don: Huh?
Cooper: It means they’ll want a new image. A new agency, fool.
Don: We already have an airline.
Roger: We don’t have American.
Duck. We’re talking seven million bucks, compared to one.
Don: Am I missing something? Did you sign American during this phone call?
Duck: Piehole. If we dump Mohawk, we have a shot at a foothold.
Don: Oooh, a foothold, you say? We have a good wife, er, client who likes us. She, er, they, don’t deserve to be thrown out the door for a wink from Rachel, er, Midge, I mean, American. Now I’m going to make a dramatic exit. There. Enjoy the scent of my integrity as it wafts across the room.
Scene: The Campbell house. The family is gathered around to talk about arrangements.
Trudy: Hey, here is an idea. Let us never use contractions and deliver our lines like we are catatonic.
Pete: Good idea, Lovely. OK, Mom. You go first.
Pete’s Mom: I shall cancel my trip to Sarasota. There is so much to do. Hey, what is that?
Trudy: What, this garish elephant statue behind me?
Pete’s Mom: Take it. I want you to have it.
Trudy: Are we terrible actors or great actors? Are we really supposed to talk like this?
Bud’s Wife: He was such a fine man. My father admired him.
Trudy: What a nice thing to say.
Bud’s Wife: I like to offer a nice bouquet of thoughts. OK, that's it. Who wrote this crap? Are we really supposed to believe people talk like this? I went to Julliard, dammit. It's the writing, people, not the acting.
Bud: Hey, Pete. Dad was broke
Pete: Crap. What about the old lady’s money?
Bud: Not so much. Dad sucked that away, too.
Pete: Double crap.
Mom: Father called you Salt and Pepper.
Pete and Bud: P-push it real good!
Scene: Peggy’s mother’s house. Peggy brings the vacuum back.
Peggy’s mom: Such a pretty face. Everyone at church asks about you.
Peggy’s sister: Would it kill you to go?
Peggy: Don’t wanna. I’m capable of making my own decisions.
Peggy’s sister: Oh, really? The state of New York didn’t say so. The doctors didn’t say so.
Peggy: I have no idea what you’re talking about, bitch. My selective memory is that impressive. I should go.
Peggy’s sister: Aren’t you going to say good night?
(Peggy walks to a bedroom and opens the door where several children are asleep)
Older kid: Hi, Aunt Peggy.
Peggy: Yep. I see you there. Yep. Just you and that other kid in the bed next to you. Nothing else to see here. Nothing to see.
Baby boy in crib: Hidey!
Peggy: I see and hear nothing.
Baby boy in crib: OK, I’ll crawl around and see if you notice me now.
Peggy: Doodly doo.
Baby boy in crib: Hey, that uterus under your dress looks familiar. Have we met?
Peggy: Toodles.
Scene: The next day in Don’s office
Roger: Hey. I need you to have a public meeting and dump your Mohawk client.
Don: Oh, come on. That’s so Bob Sugar and Jerry Maguire. Only with fewer teeth.
Roger: Totally. Duck’s meeting with his little friend from American tonight and will tell them that we got rid of our conflict.
Don: I can't. I'm a model of fidelity. And as flaccid as a wet noodle.
Roger: Grow a pair and do it. We'll all get rich and buy summer houses!
Scene: That night at a Japanese restaurant. Don is meeting the Mohawk client.
Don: Hey, Henry. Take a load off.
Henry: This place reminds me of Pearl Harbor.
Don: And now I’ll torpedo you with news that we’re dumping you. Snot my fault, though.
Henry: You’re a lying weasel. You fooled me. I’m stomping out now.
Waitress: Hey, big boy. Want a happy ending?
Don: Nah. Just a bowl of wet noodles, please.
Scene: Another restaurant. Duck is meeting with Shel Knealy from American when Pete shows up.
Duck: We stupidly jumped the gun and fired Mohawk.
Shel: God, that was dumb. We have no idea what are plans are.
Pete: Hidey. Your plane just killed my dad.
Shel: Wait, I know this one. Head and shoulders, right?
Pete: I'm serious.
Shel: Oh. I'll pass that along. Maybe there's an opportunity for us after all.
Pete: Woo-hoo!
Scene: Sunday mass at church.
Peggy: This is awkward.
Peggy’s sister: Oh, yay. Time for communion!
Peggy: I’ll just hang back.
Peggy’s sister: Here, hold this baby.
Peggy: What baby? I don’t see a baby.
Baby: Hidey. Remember me?
Peggy: Nope. Never seen you in my life. Certainly not when you shot out of my loins approximately 14 months ago. Because that never happened.
Baby: Waaaaaaah.
(curtain down)
So Peggy’s baby is still around. Nice. You just know the day will come at some point in the future when Pete gets all small because he and Trudy can’t have kids and Peggy will whip out the love child. And look at Don, all grown up and ethical this season. It was good to see him try to fight to keep Mohawk. But I have to admit, I miss the lying, cheating, identity-stealing Don with the secret past and a mistress around every corner. But based on the preview of next week’s episode, it looks like Betty might be mounting something other than her horse at the stables.
And while Paul's facial hair is interesting, I'm still dying to know more about Salvatore's new beard, Kitty. How did this episode grab you?
For more articles by Kristin Ament, including Attention Deficit Theatre presentations of all “Mad Men” episodes, click here.
And for more Mad Men fan-dom, visit our friends over at Basket of Kisses.
 |
