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After nine months of unemployment and government cheese, the Unbound Edition Players finally return to the stage in “For Those Who Think Young.” Kindly refrain from heckling or hurling your Jujubes. They’re a little rusty.
(curtain up)
Scene: Doctor’s office. Don takes off his shirt and steps on the scale.
Nurse: Oooh, you’re a big one.
Salvatore: Woo-hoo!
Nurse: And that’s just the beginning of various references to genitalia and sex that we’ll have in the first few scenes of this episode.
Don: 1962 is going to be sweet.
Doctor: You haven’t been here for a while.
Blood pressure cuff: Pump pump. Wheeze. Seize.
Don: What’s the number?
Doctor: 160 over 100. That’s high. Tell me about your parents. Are they living or deceased?
Don: I can’t keep my various parents straight, since I stole that guy’s identity back in the war. But I’ll say they’re dead.
Doctor: Great. Are you a lush?
Don: You betcha.
Doctor: Good for you. Do you smoke like a chimney?
Don: I wouldn’t be a self-respecting man about town if I didn’t.
Doctor: Indeed. OK then. Have you had any changes in the last year?
Don: Other than being a rampant adulterer, buying off one of my mistresses with $2,500, and driving my wife to gun down birds and service herself on the Kenmore during the spin cycle, no, not at all. Oh, and I killed my long lost brother. Nope, I’m good.
Scene: Sterling-Cooper. All of the secretaries are gathered around a special delivery.
Xerox Delivery Guy: Why, hello. This is the part where we only speak in double entendres. Are you ready?
Joan: Bring it.
Xerox Delivery Guy: Look, miss. Just tell me where you want it.
Joan: It’s much bigger than they said it was
Xerox Delivery Guy: I’ll try as many places as you want.
Xerox Machine: Oh lord. It's just a matter of time before you people start using me to copy your undercarriages.
Scene: Shortly thereafter in the conference room. The account team sits around staring at a plate of sandwiches. Don obviously is late for a meeting.
Kenny: I’m hungry.
Duck: I’m a drunk.
Peggy: I’m really big for my britches now that I’m a copywriter.
All: Shut it. We still don’t respect you. Go find out where Don is.
Paul: Check out the beard I grew during the hiatus. I’m like Orson Welles over here.
Dale: Draper must have knocked Peggy up, then she came back when she was all skinny.
All: Who in the hell are you?
Dale: I’m apparently named Dale. I just showed up without any introduction or backstory.
Pete: Peggy? Knocked up? Oh, don’t make me guffaw. What an entirely ridiculous notion. Ha ha ha ha. No, she went to a fat farm. I thought we had verification.
Scene: Outside the conference room at Lois’ desk
Peggy: Lookee you, no longer at the switchboard stalking Salvatore. Do you have any idea when you’ll be expecting Mr. Draper?
Lois: He said he was going to see “Pinocchio.” I’m totally rolling my eyes at that.
Peggy: (pulling up her big girl pants) Are you insinuating something? I want you to imagine, when you talk about Mr. Draper, that he’s right behind you.
Lois: Oh, I will, Toots. And I’ll imagine him looking at you and saying “Bitch.”
Scene: Later in the conference room.
Don: Hidey. I’m back after having lunch next to some guy reading “Meditations in an Emergency.” Be prepared for me to be all philosophical and dull for the rest of this episode.
All: Whee!
Don: So what do you all have?
Peggy: I just wrote copy for Dale.
Don: Who?
Dale: Me. Over here.
Don: Whatever. Next?
Paul: I wrote a bunch of insensitive Indian puns for Mohawk Airlines.
Peggy: All of my ideas are trite and obvious.
Don: Here I go with the philosophical stuff. It’s about adventure. A pirate. A knight in shining armor. A conquistador. Fantastical people taking you where you’ve never been. Oh, and you want to get on a plane and see a hint of a woman’s thigh. Did I mention that I’d make absolutely no sense at this meeting? Toodles.
Scene: Don’s office. Roger walks in and pours himself a drink.
Don: Hey, I see you didn’t die from all of those heart attacks brought on from philandering with young girls. Props on the ongoing boozing, too.
Roger: I rule. Hey, Old Man Cooper wants younger people to work on the Martinson’s Coffee account.
Don: What? That’s absurd. Clients don’t understand. It’s not about fitting in. It’s all a fad.
Roger: Huh? Youth is a fad?
Don: Young people don’t know anything. Especially that they’re young.
Roger: You are so not fun this episode.
Scene: The bar at the Savoy. Don and Betty meet for a Valentine’s Day date and she sees and old friend.
Betty: Juanita!
Juanita: Betsy!
Juanita’s Date: Hidey. I’m old.
Betty: We were models together. I try to work my past as a model into every episode, you know.
Juanita: Curtis here is from Detroit. I’m wearing really expensive jewelry I got as a gift.
Don: You look familiar to me, Juanita.
Juanita: Yeah, in real life, last weekend I married the mayor of San Francisco after he had all kinds of public embarrassment because he cheated on his first wife with the wife of his campaign manager.
Don: Infidelity totally rocks.
Betty: What was that?
Don: I said Fidel Castro has holes in his socks.
Betty: Oh. See ya, Juanita.
Don: Your little friend is totally a hooker. Speaking of which, let’s go up to a room and get it on.
Scene: The Campbell home. Pete comes in and gives Trudy a heart-shaped box of chocolates.
Pete: Hello, Lovely. Happy Valentine’s Day. Good God, what are you wearing?
Trudy: I know. It’s the most hideous fabric ever. The wardrobe people clearly have it out for me.
Pete: I really bought that candy for me, not you. Open it. I want one. Because I’m a selfish ass.
Trudy: I’m bitter. Harry’s wife is pregnant and I’m not. And some overly fertile woman I saw on the street pissed me off today. It’s this big club they’re all in together.
Pete: She doesn’t have what you have. And by that I mean a weaselly, gun-toting yet emasculated husband who knocked up the secretary and has a secret love child lurking out there somewhere. I am totally going to snap one of these episodes. Just you wait.
Scene: Don and Betty’s room at the Savoy. He’s undressing and she comes out of the bathroom sporting the whole deal with the black bustier and garters.
Don: Good lord.
Betty: I know. Can you believe in real life, I was in a relationship with Josh Groban for a few years?
Don: What’s that big song of his?
Betty: That’s not important right now.
(a few minutes later)
Don: Thrust thrust. Sigh. Hold on. (Dismounts.)
Betty: What’s wrong? Hey, I just remembered Josh’s big song. “You Raise Me Up.” I think he wrote the song about me. Wow, I totally turned him on. All the time. He was a MACHINE, I tell you.
Don: Kill me.
Betty: It’s ok, Don. We’ve got all night. Maybe you’re just too drunk. I wish you’d tell me what to do. Josh always did, and we never had problems like this. Golly, he was so sensitive. And yet so virile. You raise me up…to more than I can be….
Don: No, really. Kill me. But first, let’s get room service.
Betty: I’ll order the crab-stuffed avocado and a rare petite filet. That’s what Josh and I used to share during our marathon love sessions.
Scene: Montage of various characters at home watching Jackie Kennedy give a White House tour on television
Jackie Kennedy: Hi. I’m disturbingly Stepford-y.
Salvatore: Where’s her husband? Not that I’d have any reason to look at JFK, mind you.
Kitty: Surprise! You scored a beard during the break! The credits say I’m Kitty Romano, so I guess we’re married. What could possibly go wrong?
Joan: I’m ignoring my doctor boyfriend while he paws me. You just know I’m going to hook up with Roger again. God, I hope he doesn’t croak on me.
Pete: I’m a cad. I just ate all of Trudy’s candy.
Scene: The next day at Sterling-Cooper. The guys are sitting around a table while two young interviewees march by.
Kenny: We’re so screwed. Hey, Harry, congrats on your soon-to-be fat wife.
Harry: Yay, me. I guess we smoothed over that whole “I nailed Hildy the secretary” thing.
Pete: Are you happy?
Harry: Hell yeah. Now I don’t have to prance around the office late at night in my tighty whities for the viewing public to see.
Scene: Shortly thereafter in Don’s office. He’s interviewing the two candidates.
Don: How old are you?
Guy 1: I’m 25. He’s 24.
Guy 2: I’m muttering something in a foreign accent.
Don: Are you married?
Guy 1: We haven’t settled down yet.
Guy 2: Are we gay? I’m getting the impression we could be gay. Seriously, look at this nubby sweater I’m wearing. Gay, right?
Guy 1: We might be. Or maybe you just come off that way because you're exotic and foreign. Then again, I just said “divine!” to this guy when he asked me a question.
Scene: Pete’s office. The team gathers around to panic about the interviews.
Kenny: Come on, Daddy. How often do you get to celebrate getting some girl pregnant?
Pete: Woo-hoo! Here I come.
Harry: He meant me, dumbass.
Pete: Oh. I knew that. Because I most certainly haven’t ever impregnated anyone. Certainly no one in this room. Speaking of, Peggy, do you want to have kids?
Peggy: Eventually. Can I go now? This is awkward.
Scene: Don’s office. Peggy and Salvatore are sharing their ideas for Mohawk Airlines.
Peggy: Here I am again, with more clichés.
Don: Your ideas are so stupid and obvious. We’re talking about businessmen here.
Peggy: Businessmen who like short skirts. Sex sells. Josh Groban told me so. He’s so smart and virile.
Don: Sigh.
Peggy: OK, what about “What did you bring me, Daddy?” for the copy on this ad?
Don: Fine. Whatever. I’m going to sulk somewhere now.
Scene: Late at night. Betty’s car has broken down and a tow truck has come.
Tow Truck Guy: I’ve got a fan belt in the truck. I can put it in for $9.
Betty. Speaking of putting things into other things for money, I can’t stop thinking about my friend Juanita and her exciting life as a whore. Oops. I only have $3. I’ll bat my eyes at you now.
Tow Truck Guy: I can send you a bill.
Betty: No, I don’t want my husband to know. I now will sidle up to you and be all kittenish. Purr.
Tow Truck Guy: The belt’s $2.55.
Betty: There’s nothing you can do for a damsel in distress? Wink wink.
Tow Truck Guy: This is getting awkward.
Betty: Tell me about it.
Tow Truck Guy: Fine. I’ll install the thing. But I’m not going to violate you in my truck or anything.
Audience: Boo! We’re let down!
Scene: Later that night. Don puts a copy of “Meditations in an Emergency” in the mail for someone, with a note reading “Made me think of you – D.”
Don: I’m going to do a voiceover now of one of these poems while I walk to the mailbox. Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again…
Audience: Oh, bleck. You’re getting all heavy on us this season, Don?
Don: Tell me about it. This is what no sex apparently does to me.
Josh Groban: Hey, Don, do you need some pointers on satisfying your wife?
Don: Gah!
(curtain down)
I’ll be honest here. This episode did nothing for me. I was left about as satisfied as Betty before the room service order. Then again, last season got off to a pretty pokey start, too. Sadly, it appears that my dreams of Peggy secretly raising Pete’s spawn aren’t coming true. But I did like that Joan stuck it to her and her sassy pants superiority complex by putting the Xerox machine in her office. And Salvatore is married! Yeah, no potential train wreck there. Things look like they might pick up next week. The inevitable Pete Campbell meltdown soon may be upon us. Nice.
What did you think? And who do you think will be receiving a copy of "Meditations in an Emergency" in the mail from Don? Rachel seems to the be obvious choice.
For more articles by Kristin Ament, including Attention Deficit Theatre presentations of all “Mad Men” episodes, click here.
And for more Mad Men fan-dom, visit our friends over at Basket of Kisses.
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