For three months, I have been traumatized by the content of one particular ad. Seriously. I’m amazed I’ve been able to sleep at all. But today, my friends, I invite you into my private hell. Consider it my Valentine’s Day gift to you. Really, I shouldn’t have.

Before viewing, I suggest you cover yourself with plastic sheeting. Ready? OK.

Well, I’ll give it one thing. It certainly does convey “Naturally Juicy,” the tagline for Orangina. And you’d think the cinematic references to “American Beauty,” “Showgirls” and “Flashdance” would get a few points. OK, maybe just "American Beauty." Ewww, no, not even that.

But my god. It’s creepy enough to see an animal’s head atop an anatomically correct,  human-looking body. And that's just two seconds in. But the fluids. And the gyrating. And the shooting fluids. And the pole dancing. And the profuse geysers of fluids. And the octopus with the oranges at the end. It’s total zoo porn. Does that make you want to go anywhere near this beverage?

The agency responsible for this sticky critter orgy is FFL Paris. Since they’re French, they obviously love them some sex, which they put to more appropriate use in spots like this for Diesel’s “Fuel for Life” perfume:

That, we can understand. It's Diesel perfume. But the Orangina spot? That just makes me want to scrub myself down. With actual diesel fuel.

Is it just me?

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