Unbound Edition - Note to the Jackson Five: Please Don’t Be There

Don’t get me wrong, I think The Jackson Five were amazing, especially during their Motown days. And their music, infinitely danceable, has stood the test of time. But what with Michael’s crotch-grabbin’, Jesus Juicin’, Extreme Makeover creepiness level, and Jackie, Tito, Jermaine and Marlon eligible for the AARP … I just can’t help but think a 2008 reunion tour would be a terrible idea.

As you can see, the Jackson Five do not the Rolling Stones make. I think the Jackson Five should be left on the turntable and in the tape deck where it belongs, far away from the pyrotechnics, smoke machines and weird Motocross motifs.

We do not want you back. Who's loving you? Not us. Never can say goodbye, but this might be a good time to try.
written by kristin, November 28, 2007 10:57 AM

My skin just crawled a little. Yes, I'm with you. I'd rather remember them as they are on the cover of the "Jackson 5: The Ultimate Collection" CD that I have on my desk as we speak (piehole, all of you...I'm old). There they are, wearing kicky vests and plaid pants and all young and smiley, hands nowhere near their nether regions. That second video is totally creepo. Like we need Michael grabbing his crotch while singing "Can you feel it?" What a freakfest/old guys wearing clothes from Chicos tragedy it would be. Sure, it would be fun to see how long it would take before one of Michael's two dance moves would be done at such as speed as to make his prosthetic beak fly off, but really. Bluh.

Wait, who is the white kid?
written by Theresa, February 06, 2008 03:56 PM

Michael's skin is the same color as his white ensemble. When did the Jackson 5 adopt a white kid?
I'm scared.
Hold me.