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Fire up the polka music and pour yourself a vile glass of rum and crème de menthe while the Unbound Edition Players present “Nixon vs. Kennedy.”
(curtain up)
Scene: Cooper’s office. Don and a new guy walk in.
Don: Hidey. This is Herman Phillips. He’s been working for Young and Rubicam in London. He landed the American Airlines account.
Cooper: God, is that a crappy airline.
Phillips: Totally. But you can call me Duck.
Cooper: You bet. So, Dick, how did you like living in London?
Don: Huh? I never lived there.
Cooper: I wasn’t talking to you. I was asking Dick here.
Phillips: It’s Duck.
Don: Golly. I can’t imagine why I would have answered to the name of Dick. Because my name is so totally Don. Always has been. Dick? Who’s Dick? Doodly doo. Hey, is that Ayn Rand over there?
Cooper: Oooh! Where!
Don: Run!
Scene: A few minutes later in the office hallway. The guys are hanging around when they see Don and Duck walk by.
Harry: That’s Duck Phillips! He’s a legend.
Kenny: I heard he disintegrated in London. He had an affair.
Harry: An affair? My God, that’s horrible. People who have affairs are damaged goods. Why, I can’t even look him in the eye, I’m so mortified by the idea of an affair. But Don sure is parading him around for that big head of account services job.
Pete: Seethe.
Scene: Shortly thereafter in Don’s office. Pete marches in, guns a-blazin.’
Pete: You haven’t taken me seriously for this position. I’ve tried to emulate Roger Sterling in every way.
Don: Have you puked up oysters all over the carpeting in front of clients?
Pete: Well, um, not really.
Don: Did you have a heart attack in your office while banging a horsefaced twin?
Pete: No.
Don: Have you gotten really drunk and hit on my dimwit wife?
Pete: Not yet, but that’s not a bad idea. Maybe I’ll save that for the season finale.
Don: You, my friend, are no Roger Sterling.
Pete: But, um, clients come to me for urologist recommendations.
Don: Yes, you’re the master of pricks.
Scene: Later that day. Don is walking out.
Harry: See ya, Don.
Don: Mmmkay.
(Don leaves)
Harry: He’s gone. Party!
(Employees roll out the t.v. to watch the presidential election results while others line up the bottles of alcohol.)
Paul: We need more booze.
Joan: We have extra rum and crème de menthe in the supply closet.
Paul: What a vile combination. Let's make it even more revolting. I have absinthe in my office.
Peggy: Don’t mind me. I’ll just sit over here at my desk, typing away, becoming more matronly by the minute.
Scene: That night at the Draper house. Betty and Sally are watching the election results.
Sally: Look! They’re doing math! What do the numbers say?
Betty: What are you, eight? And you don’t know what numbers look like? Wow. You definitely are my child. Yay, genetics.
Don: Hi, I’m home.
Betty: I wasn’t expecting you.
Don: I know. I’m usually sleeping with my mistress in the city.
Betty: Let’s make awkward small talk.
Don: OK. (pause) Well, that was swell. I’m going to drink alone now.
Scene: Back at the office party
Kenny: You’d better run!
Allison: Squeal!
Paul: White!
Harry: Pink!
(Kenny pins Allison down)
Kenny: You can tell me, or I’m gonna find out. What color panties are you wearing? (He hikes up her skirt) Blue!
Allison: Wow: Sexual harassment is really great! What else can you do to degrade me in front of our coworkers?
Peggy: I’m no fun, so I’m going home to the loving arms of the Passive Exercise Regime.
Scene: Late that night at Pete’s apartment. He’s rooting through the box he took from Don’s office. It contains old photos and dog tags.
Trudy: What are you doing? What is that?
Pete: I can’t sleep.
Trudy: You’re always looking at it. It’s peculiar.
Pete: Did you just say “peculiar?” Nerd.
Trudy: Shut it. My dad had a box like that. I looked at it once when I was a kid. Never should have done it.
Pete: Were my balls in there? I can’t remember the last time I saw them.
Scene: Back at the office party
Kenny: Allison and I were fooling around in your office. We didn’t find absinthe, but we did find “Death is My Client: A Play in One Act by Paul Kinsey.”
Paul: Wait! No! I object!
Scene: Two seconds later
Paul: OK, I have donned my official director’s cardigan. Salvatore, Joan, Hildy and Random Guy We’ve Never Seen Before now will perform my play for everyone.
Salvatore: I am so masculine right now, I can hardly stand it.
Hildy: I know. The way you’re reading your lines, you’re just like…Montgomery Clift.
Joan: Or Rock Hudson. So hetero.
Salvatore: Oooh, here comes the part where our characters kiss, Joan. Mwah.
Everyone: Clap clap clap!
Salvatore: What’s up with that weird look, Joan?
Joan: For some reason, the second you kissed me, every single Judy Garland song started playing in my head at once.
Scene: Later at the party. Everyone is giddy and dancing the…wait for it…polka
Salvatore: It must be surprising to see how light on my feet I am.
Harry: There is nothing cooler than a bunch of ad execs getting drunk on crème de menthe and dancing the polka.
TV news announcer: And the state of Ohio has gone to...Vice President Nixon.
Everyone: Whee!
(Harry grabs Hildy and kisses her. She pulls him in for more.)
Hildy: I’m really tipsy. And totally turned on by how hot you are when you polka. Really, it doesn’t get any better than a guy in a bow tie and horn-rimmed glasses dancing to accordion music.
Harry: I should go home to my wife. But first, let me take off my glasses and look at you longingly. I’ll bet you don’t recognize me. I’m like Clark Kent.
Hildy: I’m so turned on by the idea of Nixon being president. Take me now!
Scene: The next morning in Harry’s office
Hildy: It’s cold in here.
Harry: Probably because you’re half naked.
Hildy: Why do these kinds of scenes always play like this on t.v.? Really, look at us. I’m wearing a girdle and undies but no bra, and you’ve got your t-shirt and shorts. Just what exactly are people supposed to think we did?
Harry: I know. It doesn’t make sense. It we really got down and dirty, why would we just stop halfway when getting dressed? I guess the AMC censors are playing it really safe.
Hildy: But here’s a pretty clear shot of my boobs while I’m getting my bra back on.
Harry: Yeah, I’m confused. So let’s just assume we did it. Damn, I’m a cad. I have a wife and stuff. Pardon me while I fumble around with my broken glasses.
Hildy: I don’t want you to be worried. It didn’t mean anything, ok? And yet, everyone at home has totally moved their money over to me in the unexpected pregnancy betting pool.
Harry: Oh, I’m counting on it. It always happens to the nice, unassuming guys like me.
Hildy: Just pretend you’re surprised when I show up at your office door all bloated and teary-eyed in about four weeks.
Harry: OK. Enjoy your walk of shame back down the hall. Give my regards to Allison when she comes slinking out of Kenny’s office.
Scene: A little bit later in the office
Peggy: Well, here I am, looking like a cross between Eleanor Roosevelt and Edith Bunker. Oh, gross. Who puked in my trash can?
Salvatore, Paul and Kenny: We are so hung over. Please stop yelling.
Peggy: Who took my shirt out of my locker? And my mad money? There were three dollars in here!
Salvatore: I took your blouse. Do these puffed sleeves make my waist look smaller?
Peggy: You’re animals. I’m reporting you to building security!
Paul: Someone needs to crank up the Passive Exercise Regime to level ten.
Scene: Later in Don’s office. Pete waltzes in carrying The Box.
Don: Whatchoo got there, boy?
Pete: It’s yours. It came to me entirely by mistake despite having “Don Draper” and “Private” in really big letters on the front. So, have you reconsidered my qualifications for the position?
Don: No.
Pete: Look, dude, I know your name is Dick Whitman. And, according to my friend at the Department of Defense, Dick Whitman died in Korea in 1950 and Don Draper disappeared.
Don’s pants: Fill.
Don: Get out. You’re making a fool of yourself.
Pete: I’m going to tell Cooper. You wanna rethink my qualifications now?
Don: Are you blackmailing me?
Pete: Totally.
Scene: A minute later in Don’s office. He’s ferreting through the box of pictures.
Don: I’m so screwed. What’s going on with the lighting in here? Am I having an aneurysm?
Flashback: No, idiot. It’s just me.
Don: Oh.
(Flashback to the Korean War with the real Dick Whitman and Don Draper)
Dick: Hidey. I’m fresh off the boat and here to kill people or something.
Don: Wow, you look young.
Dick: I know. The makeup people did wonders. It’s mostly my hair. It’s all boyish and not swimming in Bryll Cream.
Don: So you’re the only soldier here? Crap. I hope you like digging trenches. So why are you here?
Dick: I’m running away from my hobo-filled life.
Don: Are you good with that rifle? I don’t want you to confuse me for a Chinese guy.
Dick: Don’t you worry. I’ll find another way to kill you and steal your identity.
Don: What?
Dick: I said I like your helmet. It’s nifty.
Don: Oh.
Scene: Back to the present in Rachel Menken’s office
Secretary: Miss Menken, Mr. Draper’s here for you.
Rachel: Oooh! Please hold my calls. And ignore any loud grunting or panting you’ll hear in about five minutes.
Don: Hello you. I’m going to frantically kiss you now. Mwah. OK, let’s go away.
Rachel: Where?
Don: Anywhere. L.A. Maybe Mexico. Doesn’t matter. I have money.
Rachel: What gives? Did Roger mount another ugly broad and die?
Don: I just want to leave and never come back. What in the hell did you do with your hair?
Rachel: It’s horrible, isn’t it? I have sideburns. So what about your kids?
Don: Who?
Rachel: Your kids. Don’t you have some?
Don: Oh yeah. Them. But who cares? Your sideburns and I can start over like Adam and Eve with too much testosterone.
Rachel: You haven’t thought this through. What kind of jackass are you to leave your wife and kids? You’re using me to run away. You’re a coward.
Don: But…
Rachel’s sideburns: We have nothing more to say to you. Get out!
Scene: Back at Don’s office. Don storms in and sees Peggy crying in the corner.
Don: What the hell?
Peggy: I whined about skinny people having fun and stealing my stuff and the elevator guy and the janitor got fired. They weren’t even here last night. I try to do my job and follow the rules and people hate me. Bad things happen to good people. Snot fair. Boo hoo.
Don: You think you’ve got problems, bitch?
(Peggy leaves and Pete comes in)
Don: I thought about what you said.
Pete: Yay!
Don: Then I thought about your and your lack of character.
Pete: Oh.
Don: I’m hiring Duck Phillips.
Pete: Oh yeah? I’m going to tell Cooper.
Scene: A minute later in Cooper’s office. Don and Pete walk in.
Don: I’m hiring Duck Phillips.
Cooper: Good. Why is little Skippy here?
Pete: Donald Draper is not who he says he is. His real name is Dick Whitman. He supposedly died in Korea 10 years ago. So he’s a deserter. Or a killer. Or something really bad.
Cooper. Who cares?
Pete: Um, what? He’s a fraud. A criminal. A liar.
Cooper: Welcome to advertising, son.
Scene: Another flashback to Korea. Dick’s digging a trench while shells are hitting everywhere.
Dick: Are we on the same set they used to film M*A*S*H?
Don: Yeah, I think so. It’s so obviously California. Now, shut up and stay down.
(the shelling stops)
Dick: Think they’ll be back?
Don: Dunno. Hey, look. You pissed yourself.
Dick: Bummer. The only thing left do to now is to drop my lighter here and set off a tragic explosion. Here I go.
Explosion: Boom!
Scene: Flashback to a military hospital. Don wakes up.
Voice: Hi, Lieutenant Draper. Your concussion was minor. Yay! But Private Whitman blew up. Boo. But you get to go home. Yay! But you have to haul his body back to his home town first. Boo. But here’s a Purple Heart for your trouble. Yay!
Don: So it paid off when I went over to his charred English Patient-looking corpse and switched our dog tags. I can’t wait to assume the identity of Don Draper.
Adam: I’m totally going to see you on the train when they roll out that other guy’s coffin and tell us it’s Dick.
Don: Yes, that will be fun for everyone. It’s not really the same, but it reminds of “Sommersby,” when Richard Gere pretended to be some guy who died in the Civil War and Jodie Foster was his wife and…
Joan’s roommate Carol: Betty’s a lesbian? YES!
(curtain down)
So there ya go. Now we all know the story of how Dick became Don. But was it really that much of a reveal? We've been speculating that was what happened for a long time. But fine, now we all know. Was anyone else really disappointed in Harry for the Hildy dalliance? For some reason, that affair really ticked me off. And she's absolutely going to get knocked up now, right? And is Rachel really done with Don? Who will he have an affair with now? We haven't seen scandalous divorcee neighbor Helen in a while. What do you all think will be the big cliffhanger in this week's final episode (oooh, without commercial interruption)? I think Pete's going postal with his gun. He's been a ticking time bomb for weeks. Predictions?
**to read more posts by this author, including all "Mad Men" recaps, click on the name under the headline**
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