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And now, the Unbound Edition Players, slightly flushed and smelling oddly of dryer sheets, present “Indian Summer.”
(curtain up)
Scene: Seedy looking hotel
Adam: Wow, I’ve really let myself go since my pseudo brother Dick ditched me and gave me $5,000 to act like we’re not related while he prances around all fancy pants pretending he’s Don Draper. You’d think I could have sprung for a haircut and nice suit.
Hotel clerk: Or a shave.
Adam: Here’s a box marked “Private.” Can you mail it for me?
Hotel clerk: Sure. Please don’t stand so close. You're ripe.
Scene: Shortly thereafter in Adam’s room
Kristin: Here I am at my computer, trying to think of something clever to write for this scene. Something funny. About suicide.
Writer’s Block: Hidey!
Kristin: Ugh. This is a key moment in the episode. I can’t skip it like I do the Nixon scenes. OK. Focus. Funny. Funny.
Writer’s Block: Doodly doo.
Adam: Um. Hello? Isn’t this supposed to be about me? Look! I’m climbing this chair…
Kristin: Oh no. This is like “Adaptation.” I've written myself into my screenplay.
Pencilla: Hi. This is weird.
Kristin: It's self-indulgent. It's narcissistic. It's solipsistic. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I'm old and pathetic.
Pencilla: I'm sure you had a good reason, Kristin. You're an artist.
Adam: Look at me, dammit! I’m killing myself! Kick! Ack! Glurp!
Kristin: Sigh. I can’t make suicide funny. I suck.
Scene: Morning at Sterling Cooper. Everyone’s in Don’s office. On the table is a new product that looks like a pair of plastic women’s panties hooked up to some electrical gizmo.
Don: What in the hell is that?
Salvatore: Why, that looks just like a pair Playtex panties in Blushing Bride. Frankly, I think they make me look hippy. And they ride up.
Pete: Um, it’s actually the PER – Passive Exercise Regime. We need a woman to try it out.
Fred: But who? My wife tried it, but she hasn’t lost weight. She still wears it though. For hours a night, sometimes. Alone. In the bed room. Then she smokes about a pack of cigarettes afterward. She’s really trying to slim down, poor thing.
Peggy: Hi, I’m even fatter today. Here’s your water, Don. I ate the lemon.
Don: Good god. You’re like Fat Bastard in tweed.
Fred: Hey, what about her?
Salvatore: She’d probably eat the damn thing.
Fred: She did a good job with Belle Jolie.
Don: Hey, Peggy, come back in here
Don’s floorboards: Save us.
Peggy: Yeah?
Don: We want you to check out this product. It’s a pair of panties that uses electric shock to simulate calisthenics.
Fred: We think you’d be perfect for it.
Peggy: Why? Because I block the sun?
Don: Um, because you’re a woman.
Fred: We like your point of view. And you’re a dirigible.
Peggy: I’ll give them a try.
Salvatore: Don’t eat them.
Scene: That night at Peggy’s apartment. Peggy’s all ready for bed.
Peggy’s roommate: Hi, I’m a bitch. You owe me $3.59 for the phone bill.
Peggy: As if. You know no one calls me.
Peggy’s roommate: Fine. Then you owe me $37 dollars for the saltines. And the Velveeta. And the liverwurst.
Peggy: Go away. I have work to do.
Peggy’s bed: Hey Peg, do you remember when Pete came over here all drunk after his bachelor party and you guys made the beast with two backs on me? I still had springs then. Now I live in fear of you coming home.
Peggy: Quiet, you. There we go, got the magic panties on. Now I’ll just lie down and flip this switch here and… Oh! Oh! OOOOOOOHHHHH!
Scene: That night at Rachel’s apartment. She and Don are all naked and cuddly.
Rachel: Do you have to go home?
Don: Home? What home?
Rachel: The one with your wife. And kids.
Don: Oh, please. I’m a philandering bastard. I never think about them.
Rachel: Wow, you’re wonderful and perfect. Quite a catch.
Don: Did I tell you about the dead hooker mom and alcoholic father?
Rachel: You mentioned it.
Don: Have you ever noticed that we sort of look alike?
Rachel: Just shut up and do me.
Scene: The next morning in Don’s office. He’s getting dressed.
Don: Ah, and there’s the pack of shirts I keep in my desk drawer for mornings just like this. I’m so glad J.C. Penney introduced its line of “Just for Cheaters” executive clothes.
Peggy: Hi. I tried out the weight loss belt.
Don: Oh. Wow. So you’re screwed, I guess.
Peggy: Um, in so many words.
Don: Huh?
Peggy: I definitely felt something that some women would like to feel.
Don: Well, now we have a benefit. Now think about it. Deeply. Soon the idea will jump up in your face. Hard. Deep and hard.
Peggy (rushing from the room): Hey! You with the Danish cart! Wait for me!
Scene: That morning at the Draper house
Doorbell: Ding dong!
(Betty opens it)
Air conditioner salesperson: Hi. The hobo carvings on your fencepost tell me this is a safe place to bum a drink of water. And the glisten on your forehead tells me that you could use a big unit in your gap.
Betty: Oh yes! Come in! I’m hot! Sooo very hot.
Air conditioner salesperson: I can see that you definitely need a big strong unit downstairs.
Betty: You have no idea. My husband’s been staying away nights.
Air conditioner salesperson: I have a huge unit that will take care of all of your needs. Let’s go up to your bedroom, I’ll show you my unit, and we can measure….
Betty: My god, yes!
Air conditioner salesperson: …your window for the air conditioner.
Betty (hustling the salesman out the door): Please go.
Air conditioner salesperson: Are you sure? Wouldn’t your husband like to see my…
Door: Slam!
Air conditioner salesperson: …unit? Biggest in New… York…
Scene: Rachel and her sister eating in a restaurant
Rachel’s sister: So he’s perfect for you. Second in his class. Likes German Shepherds.
Rachel: I’m not sure it’s the right time.
Rachel’s sister: You’re seeing that goy, aren’t you?
Rachel. A little. He’s married.
Rachel’s sister: Jesus! What’s wrong with you! I don’t know where you went wrong. What ever happened to that nice Jewish boy from the Israeli tourism thingie? Urine, was it?
Rachel: It’s Yurem.
Scene: The next day at Sterling Cooper
Roger: Yahoo! I’m alive! Bring me a hooker and a dozen oysters!
Lobby carpeting: Save me.
Cooper: Just stay conscious so the big Lucky Strike client can check your pulse.
Paul: He looks like death. If death wore lifts and rode horsefaced twins.
Harry: His skin and hair are the same color.
Pete: I’ll say something pointless, then walk awkwardly away.
Scene: Shortly thereafter in Roger’s office
Joan: I’m here.
Don: Thank God. Can you make Roger look less like a corpse?
Roger: Hi, honey. I missed you.
Don (to Cooper): Let’s leave before he gets the saddle.
Joan: Can I kiss you?
Roger: OK. Mwah.
(she opens her purse and starts to put powder on Roger’s face)
Roger: I want to tell you something because you’re very dear to me, and I hope you understand it comes from the bottom of my damaged, damaged heart.
Joan: I really feel a warm and tender moment coming on. I’ll go ahead and get all misty-eyed in preparation for the most romantic line ever.
Roger: You are…
Joan: Go on.
Roger: … the finest piece of ass I’ve ever had.
Joan: I’m going home to Carol. And I’m flushing your bird.
Scene: Sterling Cooper conference room. The team is having the “Everything’s OK. Really” meeting with Lucky Strike client Lee Garner.
Lee: Woo-wee! Pastrami sammiches! Remember when I was Dr. Greene’s dad on “ER?” What did his character die of, anyway? Oh, right. Cancer. Smoke em if ya got em!
Roger: Pass the Luckies and cured meats! What could possibly go wrong?
Roger’s heart: Gurgle. Glurp! Seize. Seize.
Roger: Oh Jesus! Not again!
Scene: That night at a restaurant. Peggy’s on a date with a family friend named Carl.
Peggy: Could I be wearing anything more unflattering? This collar looks like Audrey II from “Little Shop of Horrors.” Now I’ll pretend to smoke so I look even more ridiculous. Cough cough.
Waiter: Here’s your Brandy Alexander, miss.
Carl: What’s in that?
Peggy: I don’t know. My friend Joan always orders them for me. And I’m too dumb to realize that this thing is full of cream and she’s just doing that to fatten me up so she looks better next to me. Whee! So, you drive a truck.
Carl: Yeah, I have my own route for a potato chip company.
Peggy: I don’t like potato chips.
Carl: Right. I can tell from looking at you that you’d never eat anything like that.
Peggy: I have such a fancy pants job. Account work and everything. And look at you and your pathetic blue collar job.
Carl: Get over yourself. You may act like a Manhattanite, but you don’t look like those girls.
Peggy: Screw you. People in Manhattan are better than us because they want things they haven’t seen.
Carl: So what haven’t you seen? Your feet?
Peggy: Ass. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a sudden urge to simulate calisthenics in the privacy of my locked bedroom.
Scene: The next day at Sterling Cooper. The team is gathered in the conference room for Peggy’s pitch on the weight loss/sex machine.
Don: Okay Peggy. We’re the client. Sell it to us.
Peggy: Women lose weight so they’ll feel better about themselves. The Rejuvenator gives you the flush and glow of youth. Isn’t it nice to feel like that when you want? The Rejuvenator. You’ll love the way it makes you feel.
Kenny: That’s good and all, but what does the thing do? You’re not selling it!
Don: It provides the pleasure of a man without the man.
Salvatore: I’m sold!
Scene: Later at the Draper house. The washing machine is off kilter.
Betty: Oh, there’s that washer again, shimmying across the room by itself. I’ll see if I can push it back against the wall. Yes, I’ll position my hips just so while I lean against this massive…vibrating…machine. Oh God.
Air conditioner salesperson: Hello. Mind if I join you in your laundry fantasy?
Betty: Get over here and front load me, big boy!
Air conditioner salesperson: How do you like my spin cycle?
Betty: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Air conditioner salesperson: And…rinse.
Scene: That afternoon at Sterling Cooper. Cooper summons Don to Roger’s office.
Don: Is he dead?
Cooper: No, he’s fine. Wanna be partner?
Don: Sure. Do I get another raise?
Cooper: Yeah. Seems we do that every week. And I need you to name a new head of account services. Have I mentioned Ayn Rand yet today?
Don: You have now. Bye.
Scene: Later that afternoon at the office
Pete: I’ve been drinking at my desk all afternoon. I’m sure no one will notice me going into Don’s office and putting my feet on the desk.
Mailboy: Hi there. I’ve delivered mail to this office every day for five years. Are you long-time creative director Don Dray… por?
Pete: Draper. Don Draper. Partner. Yes I am. I’ll just go right ahead and take this package mailed to Drap, uh, me.
Mailboy: Thanks! You don’t look weaselly or anything. What could possibly go wrong?
(curtain down)
Alrighty then. So Don and Rachel are blandly in love while Betty’s getting serviced by a major appliance. And Peggy, oh, poor Peggy. Is it just me, or did she actually get larger just during the course of this episode? Really, in that last scene of her in the bed before she fired up the ol’ “fly me to the moon” machine, her face was the size of Toledo. Where are they going with that storyline? And here’s this week’s preview. Oh yay. More on the Nixon/Kennedy election. Can’t wait to see how that turns out. But in the preview that ran after the episode, we see that wicked Pete does take home the package Adam sent to Don. A little blackmail to wash down that morning donut, son?
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I have a feeling I'll be saying "I ate the lemon" for years, if not decades.