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Pull up a chair, make sure there are no unsavory substances visible on the cushion, and join us for today’s presentation of “The Hobo Code.”
(curtain up)
Scene: Morning at Sterling Cooper. Pete Campbell is in the elevator.
Peggy: Hold the door, please!
Pete: Morning. I have a stick up my butt. Lookee you and your shiny little hat. It’s like a copper saucepan on your head. Good choice. What brings you here early? Got some soup to heat up for Draper?
Peggy: I came in for myself. Go on, ask me why.
Pete: Sigh.
Peggy: Really, I couldn’t sleep. I was filled with nerves. Come on. Ask me why.
Pete: I’m ignoring you. I’m moving today to my fancy pants apartment. I’ll go by at lunch and watch the help haul my overpriced furniture around. Yessiree, I am rich and important.
Peggy: Well, it IS a big day. For the love of God, would it KILL you to ask me why?
Pete: Golly, Peggy, what do you have to be so nervous about, other than the fact that your ass has doubled in size overnight?
Peggy: Mr. Rumsen is presenting my copy today to the Belle Jolie people.
Scene: Shortly thereafter in Pete’s office
Peggy: I’m going to get some coffee. Want some?
Pete: No. Close the door.
Peggy: Why?
Pete: Just close the door.
Peggy: Woo-hoo! I shaved my legs and everything!
Pete: Do you know how hard it is to see you walking around here every day?
Peggy: Really? With my boobs and thighs getting freakishly huge all of a sudden, I’d think it would be easier to spot me.
Pete: Shut up and let me unhinge my jaw over your neck. See, I’m a manly man, all in control of you. I’m not at all a pantywaist in my marriage, family or career.
Peggy: Oooh, this is all so Lestat of you!
Pete: Groan groan.
Peggy: Pant pant.
Scene: Two minutes later in Pete’s office
Peggy: Alrighty then. I have my clothes back on. Do you think about me?
Pete: I’ll be honest. A few times. Mostly when I hate myself. I wake up in the morning and I look in Trudy’s eyes, and I think, “Hag.”
Peggy: You’re not alone in this.
Audience: You’re so pregnant!
Scene: That morning in the Sterling Cooper operator bay
Lois: I’m new here. It’s fun to listen in on everyone’s calls! Look, this Salvatore guy is speaking Italian to his mother. He talks to her a lot. I’m getting all hot under the cardigan for him.
Joan: Hi. I’m here to bribe you with pastries so you don’t tell Mrs. Sterling that her husband will be riding me like Bronco Billy at lunch when she calls.
Lois: What do you know about Salvatore?
Joan: He’s debonair. Works in the art department. Lives with his mother. Dresses impeccably. Wears expensive, European cologne. Loves shopping for window treatments and is president of the Joan Crawford fan club.
Lois: Swoon! What could possibly go wrong by me throwing myself at him?
Scene: That morning in Mr. Cooper’s office
Cooper: Hidey.
Don: You wanted to see me?
Cooper: Yep. Here’s a bonus check for you. $2,500. Hey, have you ever read “Atlas Shrugged?”
Don: No, I’m usually too busy jumping my mistress or hiding my true identity to be literate.
Cooper: I think you and I are alike.
Don: Because I’m a crazy old coot who doesn’t wear shoes and decorates my office like a bathhouse in downtown Tokyo?
Cooper: Yes, that and the fact that we’re both strong and unsentimental about anyone who cares about us. Get a copy and read it. I’m going to trim my bonsai now.
Scene: Later in the art department
Lois: Hi. I’m looking for a really straight, single man.
Marty. Hello, you. Does my bow tie turn you on?
Duane: Hey, look! I’m played by the guy who was Ernie on “My Three Sons.” Wow, I’ve aged. I’m all bald and stuff.
Lois: I’m pretending to be lost. Is there a handsome, straight, Italian-speaking bachelor here to help me?
Duane: Do you remember the episode where Uncle Charley tried to teach me how to play the violin so I could play in the Douglas family orchestra?
Salvatore: Why, hello. I’m entirely straight. How may I help you?
Duane: Uncle Charley always smelled like Slim Jims and Wild Turkey. And he liked to watch me climb trees.
Lois: I've misread all the signs and I'm hopelessly lost. Can you help?
Salvatore: Of course, doll! I know this office like I know my own sexuality!
Lois: Oh, thank you! Ciao, Ciao!
Salvatore: Damn, I'm a manly catch for any young lady. Maybe I'll grow a beard.
Scene: Pete’s office
Hildy: Um, your wife’s here.
Pete: Lord. Send the shrew in.
Couch cushion: Um, Pete? Can I have a quick word?
Trudy: Hello! I’m decked out like Cruella de Vil. Let’s walk 30 blocks to the new apartment.
Couch cushion: Hello? You might want to take a gander over here, buddy.
Pete: I’m very important, Lovely. I don’t think I can get away.
Trudy: Well, let’s drink this champagne. I’m going to sit down over here on this couch. Here I go.
Couch cushion: Pssst! Pete! Over here!
Pete: Sweet cracker sandwich! Hey, look out the window, Trudy! Some other bitch down there is wearing your Dalmatian coat!
Trudy: WHAT?
Couch cushion: Flip!
Pete: Whew.
Scene: Conference room. The team is presenting its ideas to Hugh and Elliott from Belle Jolie.
Fred: And the tagline is “Belle Jolie lipstick. Mark your man.”
Hugh: I don’t like it.
Kenny: Yes you do.
Don: Let’s call it a day. Thank you for your time.
Hugh: Huh?
Don: You’re a non-believer. Why waste time on Kabuki?
Salvatore: Kabuki! With makeup and dancing? Let me go get my elaborate robe and eyeliner.
Elliott: My tell-tale pink shirt and tie will race you!
Don: Your customer wants to tell the world “He’s mine.” She marks him with her lips. You’re giving every girl that wears your lipstick the gift of total ownership.
Hugh: Oh, now I get it.
Salvatore and Elliott: Does that mean we don’t get to put on dresses and do dinner theater? Damn.
Scene: That evening at Midge's apartment
Don: Knock knock.
Fez: Hi. I’m on this annoying guy’s head. Save me.
Roy: Oh yay. It’s the ad man.
Don: Hi, Midge. I got a big bon…
Midge: Zip it up, buddy. Can’t you see I have guests? That would hardly be appropriate. Geez.
Don: Bonus. I was going to say…I got a big bonus.
Midge: Oh.
Don: Pack your bags. We’re going to Paris.
Midge: Wow, jetting off to Paris with you or staying here smoking cheap Mexican pot with my loser friends. I don’t know how to pick. OK, I’ll stay here.
Scene: Minutes later in Midge’s apartment. Everyone’s in a haze.
Don: I feel like Dorothy. Everything just turned to color. I’ll go to the bathroom now and have a weird flashback to my traumatic childhood.
Wayne and Garth: Doodly doo! Doodly doo! Doodly doo! Doodly doo!
Scene: Flashback to a depression-era farmhouse
Dick: Here I am, with this God-awful Moe haircut.
Hobo: Hidey. I’m a total cautionary tale about what can happen to your son when he grows up. I’m hungry. And I reek.
Dick’s dad: I’m an ass.
Dick’s stepmom: You can stay here and eat. You can work tomorrow.
Dick’s dad: I’m so totally going to reneg on the promise to pay you, so just act really surprised when it happens.
Hobo: Oh, yeah? Well then I’ll draw some weird thing that looks like a claw on your fencepost so all of the other hobos see that and know that a dishonest man lives here.
Dick’s dad: Bring it, Stinky.
Scene: That night at the Roosevelt Hotel bar
Elliott: Woo-hoo! You got my hint after the meeting and showed up.
Salvatore: I did no such thing. I finished giving my mother a Toni home perm and thought I’d stop by for an entirely heterosexual evening of manly drinking. I’ll have a Campari with a twist.
Scene: That night at P.J. Clark’s. Just about everyone from the agency is there celebrating Peggy’s winning Belle Jolie copy.
Jukebox: I’ll play “The Twist” now
Secretaries: SCREAM!
Peggy: This blouse makes me look totally Amish.
Joan and Paul: Look at us grinding away. Are we sleeping together?
Pete: I have a stick up my butt again.
Peggy: Hey, there’s Pete. I’m going to twist awkwardly, all the way over to him. I’m so seductive and liberated. Yes, watch me shimmy.
Pete: Look at the size of that ass. It wasn’t that big a month ago, was it?
Peggy: Dance with me.
Pete: I don’t like you like this. Where’s my freshly cooked deer loin, woman?
Peggy: Um.
Pete: I’m going to get my gun. And call Stanley Steemer about that sofa.
Peggy: Sob sob.
Scene: Later that night over dinner at the Roosevelt Hotel
Elliott: So, are you happy?
Salvatore: Um, no.
Elliott: Wanna come up to my room and check out my view? What with it being midnight and totally dark outside and all.
Salvatore: I don’t know what to say.
Elliott: You don’t have to say anything. Get good and drunk on your sambuca there and let me show you what “mark your man” really means. Heh heh.
Salvatore: Why, sir, I have no idea what you’re talking about! (opens parasol and twirls it while fanning himself with the other hand)
Elliott: What are you afraid of?
Salvatore: Well, I’m afraid of shirts with horizontal stripes. And domestic cheeses. But that’s not important right now. I will extend my hand to you in a most manly fashion. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a beard to don.
Scene: Midge’s apartment
Don: Hey, Midge, let me take a picture of you and Roy with this fancy pants Polaroid thingie.
Camera: Click.
Don (looking at photo) Of course.
Midge. What?
Don: You two. You’re in love.
Midge: What? That’s ridiculous.
Don: Every day, I make pictures where people appear to be in love. I know what it looks like.
Fez Guy: You’re such a liar. I’m going to belittle your career now.
Don: Stop talking. Make something of yourself.
Roy: Like you? You make the lie. You invent want.
Don: I hate to break it to you, but there is no big lie. There’s no system. The universe is indifferent. I am all about the truth now. Come on, Midge. Let’s run off to Paris and have hot adulterous sex while my wife stays home entirely clueless and lied to.
Midge: I can’t.
Don: OK. Then I’ll do something that makes complete sense and endorse this $2,500 check over to you. Buy yourself a car. Bye now.
Scene: Later that night at Don’s house. He walks into his little boy’s bedroom.
Don: Wake up, Bobby.
Bobby: Daddy?
Don: Ask me anything.
Bobby: I’m tired.
Don: Really. Ask me anything. Just not anything about science. Or bugs. Potent Potables is a good category. As is the Franco-Prussian War. Or Things that Rhyme with "Peanut." Yes, ask me anything.
Bobby: Why do lightning bugs light up?
Don: You just HAD to pick that one, didn’t you? Um, well, I don’t know, but I will never lie to you. Group hug! Uh-oh, I feel a flashback coming on!
Wayne and Garth: Doodly doo! Doodly doo! Doodly do! Doodly doo!
Scene: Back at the depression-era farmhouse
Hobo: Ok then. My work is done. Thank you for sharing your home with me.
Dick’s dad: Good luck to you.
Hobo: I’ll stand here while you get that coin you promised out of your pocket, yessiree. Oh, there you go, reaching in. Oh, wait. You’re just getting a cigarette. No problem, I’ll wait.
Dick’s dad. I’m not moving. Did I mention I’m an ass?
Hobo: Yeah, you sort of did. I’m not getting the coin, am I?
Dick’s dad: Nope.
Hobo: OK then. Off I go.
Dick: I’m gonna run and look at the fencepost. Hey, look! That claw looking thingie was carved in there a long time ago. My father is a deceitful ass. Boy, I hope I never grow up to be a big liar! Nosiree, I won’t lie for a living or cheat on my wife of have a secret identity. Honesty is fun!
(curtain down)
This was one of my least favorite episodes so far. Pete’s a tool, but we knew that. His motivation is pretty transparent -- he’s desperate to be his own man. The one big a-ha! for me was that Don’s/Dick’s upbringing in ye olde farmhouse was Christian. So we may not be in for the anticlimactic reveal of Jewishness, unless the “whore-child’s” mother was Jewish. My cold, bitchy heart did break a little for both Peggy and Salvatore. And what is up with the Joan/Paul flirtation?
Here’s a preview of this week’s episode, "Shoot." At last, Peggy’s rapidly expanding ass is the topic of discussion! It’s too obvious for her to be pregnant, isn’t it?
(to read my other posts, click on my name under the headline at the top of this page)
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