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I freely admit that I’m selfishly involved in the overtaking “green” movement. I’m focused on saving as much of the planet as is necessary in order to maximize my time here on Earth and maintain my lifestyle. There is a limit, though, to how green my bladder and I are willing to go.
Last night I went Mac shopping at a local mall. (I’m getting this one…does everyone agree?) While waiting for a "Mac Pro" to assist me with my Apple picking, my bladder was screaming for relief. I waited for an associate (so as to not lose my spot), waited through his sales pitch. I even held it while he sanitized his hands after sneezing in them. By the end of my visit to the Apple Store, I had to pee like no other.
Too self-conscious to run around the mall in a frantic scurry, I resorted to looking semi-idiotic and power-walking through the mall. I eventually became so desperate that I considered resigning to the Penney’s bathroom (No, Mommy! NO!). I didn’t have to further compromise my dignity, though, as I found a restroom just before the entrance to Penney’s. When I finally arrived at the urinal, instead of feeling, "Yes! I've finally made it!" I thought, “What the hell is this?”
This is what I found in the restroom. Okay, so it wasn’t exactly bin Laden’s outhouse. But, it might as well have been. It was actually Sloan’s new WaterFree Urinal. Ewww.
My bladder had not the patience for me to rise above the too-green-for-me facility, so I used it. Instead of focusing on the discomforting thoughts like “Where is my pee going?” (this bears an uncanny resemblance to the piss target) or “Is this really sanitary?” or “What do I do when I’m done?” I read a mounted ode to the WaterFree that told me the installation was part of an effort to conserve water (saving 40,000 gallons of water per urinal per year).
The idea is entirely too disgusting for me. If there’s no water, then what’s getting the splattered stuff out of the bowl? And, because it doesn’t use water, there’s no mini-well to absorb the splatter. No mini-well to aim into makes for a good amount of splatter. Even the idea of the sealant is nasty. 7,000 uses before the pee filter gets changed? Nah-ah!
I finished peeing and appropriately became pissed. I don’t care how much water is being saved; I’m not ready for this kind of heavy artillery in our battle against dwindling freshwater supplies. Why must I sacrifice comfortable, uneventful trips to the restroom so people can shower in their own Niagara Falls (wine in the shower…really?) or so some rich-ass bastard can have this impractical trophy in his back yard? Bring back my water-using urinals…NOW!
*To see more work by this author, click on their name.*
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