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Our good friend Ted Haggard needs your help. After his fall from grace for entirely heterosexual acts with a male prostitute while totally not amped up on crank, ol’ Ted has decided to go back to school.
Haggard and his family have moved to Phoenix to help “the homeless, those coming out of prison, recovering alcoholics, drug addicts, prostitutes, and other broken people.” As Ted himself puts it, he can “identify.” Unfortunately, his $138,000 severance from New Life Church is about to run dry.
And that’s where you come in. Haggard and his family need your hard-earned dollars. You can make checks payable to the Haggards and send them to Ted and Gayle Haggard, 9699 N. Hayden, Suite 108, PMB 180, Scottsdale, AZ 95259. (I’m sure they would also appreciate your fan mail.)
Or, if you’d prefer your monetary contributions to hypocritical, self-hating homophobes to be tax deductible, you can send funds to “Families With a Mission at P.O. Box 63125, Colorado Springs, CO 80962. The supporters would need to write their check to ‘Families With A Mission’ and put a separate note on it that it is for the Haggard family, then Families With a Mission will mail us 90% of the funds for support and use 10% for administrative costs.”
The only problem, according to Dan Savage’s Slog blog, is that Families With a Mission just happens to be run by a registered sex offender. Paul G. Huberty not only had sex with his 17-year-old ward while stationed in Germany, he also likes to fondle himself in public. Not to mention the charity was actually dissolved in February. Oh, and never mind the fact that diverting 90 percent of a tax-deductible charitable contribution to support a disgraced former pastor is likely illegal.
If that’s not a problem for you, and you’re just worried that donating money to a gay man won’t earn you good graces with the man upstairs, don’t be. He’s been successfully de-gayified. And Haggard himself assures you you’ll be “rewarded in heaven.”
That’s all the reassurance I need. Now, where did I leave my checkbook?
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