Unbound Edition - Attention Deficit Theatre: "Mad Men," Episode 5

Please take your seats for "5G." Now with 20 percent more sarcasm at the same great price.

Scene: Evening in Don’s bedroom. Don and Betty are coming home from an awards ceremony.

Betty: Shit. Hey, I just said “shit.” Can we really say that on basic cable?

Receptionist: Congratulations, Mr. Draper. I heard Advertising Age ran a picture.

Ken: Check me out! I got a short story published in Atlantic Monthly! It’s called “Tapping a Maple on a Cold Vermont Morning.” Sounds like a euphemism, but I’m such a nerd, it really is about syrup tapping.

Pete and Paul: Golly. Sounds like quite the page turner. We’re going to patronize you now because we’re jealous.

Pete: They want a new promotion to get people in. How about a toaster giveaway? Or a blender?

Don: Zip it, Mrs. Butterworth. Women don’t do the banking, fools. We manly men do. Oooh, and because most of us are philanderers, we need our own accounts, beyond the family.

Pete: I see that. Discretion. Discretionary. I’ll just sit here nattering forms of the word “discreet” while I think about getting one of these accounts so my wife doesn’t know about the things I do on the side. Like Peggy.

Paul: And the bank statements would come to the office. It’s perfect for pulling one over on the little lady at home.

Audience: Holy God! Could that be a more obvious euphemism? We’re a little creeped out.

Peggy: Doodly doo. I’ll pick up the phone over here. Wait, what’s this I’m hearing?

Midge: Just get down here. I want you to pull my hair and ravish me and leave me for dead.

Peggy: My virgin ears! OK, not really, since you all know I let Pete strap a saddle on me on my first day here. But still, ewwww.

Trudy: I have a stick up my butt. This is strange and modern. I only like the classics.

Pete: My jammies are buttoned all the way up. I’m losing circulation in my neck.

Pete: Idiot. The bear’s not really talking. It’s what the hunter imagines the bear to be saying. Der.

Trudy. Um. Oh. It’s, uh, very well written. I just overpronounced the t’s in “written.” Because I don’t have the capacity to deliver dialogue naturally.

Pete: Because Ken Cosgrove, an account executive, published some lame turd about syrup. And I just overpronounced the t in “account.” Ha.

Scene: the next day in the conference room. The honchos are gathered for a meeting and Peggy comes in.

Don: I have no idea what you’re talking about. You look like the love child of Eddie Haskell from “Leave it to Beaver” and Biff from “Back to the Future.”

Adam: I’m a janitor and found this here paper in the trash. See, this is your picture. You’re so totally my brother Dick, Dick.

Don: God, why couldn’t they just call me Richard if I am that guy? But anyhoo, nope. Still not me. OK, maybe it is. Meet me at the Dee-Lite coffee shop down the street at noon.

Charlie. That doesn’t matter. I miss you. I miss being with you. But seriously, look at my head. It’s like a pluot.

Trudy: That’s very sweet to hear. The part about you missing me. Not so much the stuff about your freakishly undersized noggin. Which you’re right about, by the way.

Trudy: No. I’m a newlywed. Maybe like some movie, when we’re old. And the rest of your body has shrunken down to match your head size.

Peggy: Um. Er. Well, um. He’s probably pulling some hussy’s hair, but I won’t tell you that. Here, sit in his office. I’m going to completely overreact like someone just dropped a box of anthrax on my desk and run around the office like a spaz. Back in a jif.

Peggy: Don’s a man-whore. He sees this woman. The other day, he came back all greasy and calm. And now he’s gone and his wife is here and I’m entirely wigging out.

Don: Remember when I said I’d pay for your lunch? I meant I’m not gonna pay for your lunch because this never happened. Ta.

Peggy: Um, well, golly. It’s just great. I don’t listen to phone calls with his mistress or anything.

Betty: My husband is a mute with the charisma of a turnip. You probably know more about him than I do.

Peggy: What, like how he likes hornblowing? No, I don’t know anything about that. Oh God. This is getting awkward. I need to change the subject. Hey, you’re pretty.

Scene: The conference room. The team is meeting with the client from Liberty Capital.

Paul: The modern executive is a busy man. He leads a complicated life. He has business expenses. Family. Leisure. And he cheats. A lot.

Pete: Um, what? That story was good enough for the New Yorker. Now it’s going to be next to some ad for explosive cigars. You’re a hag. You don’t want me to have what I want.

Trudy: Wow. My boobs are really pointy and projectile when I’m shot from the side.

Pete: I’m mad at you. For the story thing, not the boobs, but now that you mention it, that is a weird angle. You should talk to the director about that.

Trudy: I could have gotten you the New Yorker or the Encyclopaedia Brittanica if I wanted to.

Pete: As if I’d do that. Of course you can pick the position that you’re the most comfortable in while I pimp you out to get my stuff published. Hey look. Pot roast.

Betty: So we’ll go to my dad’s house on Cape May this summer while you work all the time.

Don: I’m distracted. I might go back to the office. And by “go back to the office,” I mean “go somewhere that’s so totally not my office.” But you’re oblivious, so I could tell you anything and you’d believe it. Hey, look! Something shiny over there!

Don: Adam sent me this picture of me in uniform next to him as a wee lad. I’ll burn it now. Fire! Fire!

Adam: Woo boy! Partying with my big brother! I’ll bet nothing weird happens at all!

Don: I’m going to get this key here and open up my super secret desk drawer and look inside.

Don: I’m not telling so the end of this episode will be all dramatic. Here I go, opening up my briefcase to put something in it.

Audience: Is it a gun? My God, is he going to shoot Adam so he doesn’t call him “Dick” anymore?

Adam: I’m so glad you changed your mind. Welcome to my sad little life. I’m going to stand here and stare at you all creepy-like, mmmkay?

Adam: Lookee here. I found a bottle of gin in the couch cushions of one of the offices I clean. Want some?

Adam: Alrighty! I’ll make coffee here in this skillet and natter. Yessirree, my back is to you, so I have no idea what you’re doing behind me. Why, you could kill me and I wouldn’t see it coming.

Audience: Oh God. It’s going to be like “Of Mice and Men” where George shot Lenny in the back of the head while he looked off into the water and talked about rabbits. Only the last thing Adam’s gonna see is his skillet o’ coffee. That’s just sad.

So now we know some of Don's mysterious past, which is getting interesting. And that Pete's an even bigger creep than we thought. Did anyone else think Don was going to pop his little brother? Here's a preview of the next episode, "Babylon." I think that's the end of this season. If it is, they have a lot of wrapping up to do, but I don't see much in the preview other than the fact that everyone really loves one-way glass and that Betty's all fired up to get it on with Don. Hmmm.

(p.s. Want more recaps? Check out the ADD Theatre presentations of Episodes 1, 2, 3 and 4.)

oh. my. god.
written by josemocha, August 20, 2007 01:42 PM

i cannot stop laughing. between the Dee Light shout out and the final scene with the office-harvested foodstuffs, this was the best on yet.

finger puppets. you tube.

pow pow pow
written by suz, August 20, 2007 06:50 PM

That was yet another great one from you. This is suppose to have 13 episodes, so there will be a lot more snacks from sofas and hopefully honking from the beautiful John Hamm!!! Yeah, I really thought Draper was going to ice his ugly brother as well. Bet me, the brother will be back. My question, why did he have 5K sitting around his home office?

5 geez
written by Damp Duvet, August 20, 2007 07:18 PM

Suz, my guess is he didn't have an executive private account.

Do you take requests?
written by shallow bob, August 20, 2007 08:40 PM

What other shows do you review like this? You should do the next Survivor.

I love these things.
written by Joe C., August 21, 2007 09:51 AM

And I have eight more to look forward to -- it is a thirteen episode season. Their finale is on 10/25.

pathetic
written by Jackla, August 21, 2007 10:02 AM

So not only do you use aliases to fake enthusiasm for your one joke playlets (mostly made of jokes from the show) you also erase any post that's critical of you. Can dish it out but can't take it. I'm going to compile a list of your carbon copy "check out this really funny site I stumbled upon which I actually write" comments from what I can see is close to 30 blogs! Shameless.

Jacklass
written by josemocha, August 21, 2007 11:10 AM

oh ball-licious lady web nazi, who the hell are you to determine worldwide rules of engagement? like it, read it. don't like it, ignore it. and get a clue: the entire frickin' web is about self promotion. i'm sure you have som genius blog somewhere that carefully document how many olives you pitted at home alone, or something equally fascinating.

mostly, i'm glad there's a good bitch fight started here. me. ow.

Hello, Jackla.
written by Kristin. The Author., August 21, 2007 11:19 AM

Thanks for spending what must be a tremendous amount of time tracking the traffic to our content here. Of course I promote my own writing on relevant boards. That's what bloggers do. However, many posts, the aliases you speak of, are other visitors who enjoy the writing and want to spread the word. I thank them for their efforts. And I thank you for coming here as often as you have.

It’s Not Wrong to Create and Submit Your Own Content. In Fact, it’s Necessary.
written by bp, August 21, 2007 11:26 AM

Good reading, Jackla: http://dmiessler.com/blogarchive/dear-readers-please-submit-your-own-content

Nice quote: "What are the odds that their stuff is going to be randomly “discovered?? Not good. The only only option is for them to drop the socially ingrained false-modesty and present it themselves."

random
written by Jackla, August 22, 2007 01:26 PM

No problem with self promotion. Just embarrassed for her having to pretend to be a fan of herself. So so embarrassed.

How's that list coming?
written by Kristin. The Author., August 22, 2007 03:23 PM

Jackla, have you been able to pull together that list of all of the blogs where links back to my recaps have been posted? With 5 episodes, I'm sure there are far more than the 30 you mentioned. I've put a handful out there, but I'd love to thank the friends and fans who have helped thousands of people find their way to my posts. I just found some new ones on the AMC site and Time Magazine blog sites. I know who some of those people are through personal connections, but not all. Thanks so much!

Jackla, we want that list.
written by bp, August 22, 2007 03:31 PM

All talk and no show? Let's see the list already. Come now.

Just so embarrassed for you. So so embarrassed.

yeh
written by Mike H., August 22, 2007 09:40 PM

so, so, so embarrassed, jackla.
glad to learn that tone, enthusiasm and pseudonyms are no-nos on the web. had no idea.

loving it
written by thomas, August 22, 2007 11:40 PM

Keep these coming. Good to know I have many more to look forward to!

A couple of real pills
written by Pencilla Skirtstein, August 23, 2007 01:26 AM

I'm laughing so hard I hope the neighbors can't hear my whinnying. Kristin, some greedy Big Pharma company needs to bottle you and advertise incessantly! ("may cause agitated states of excitement and loose bowels")... I'm going to guess that "ravish me and leave me for dead" is foreshadowing, whaddya say?... Oh, also, please start synopsizing that Jackass or whatever his/her name is. That should be good stuff, too. And to you, Jackass, I found this site way back (in internet time) by blog/searching "Mad Men" to see if others were left as irritated by this show as I was. This site was near the top and I was had at hello. I personally REALLY resent my golden comments being attributed to somebody else, even the Editor Extraordinaire!

...
written by vamp19762000, August 24, 2007 01:42 AM

These are realy funny. Please keep writing them.

...
written by Berd, August 24, 2007 11:35 AM

This has to be the funniest stuff to hit since "Mystery Science Theater 3000" I look forward to these re-caps more than I do the actual show. Thank you, keep up the good work!

i'm waiting
written by Farting Jim, August 25, 2007 06:40 AM

good god this stuff is funny. i hope you have a good agent getting you out there to studios and what-not. you need to be in the biz and get this stuff produced.

i'm waiting for one of the repressed ladies on the show to either find her groove or rip a big'un. We need humanity to come roaring through this series, bean powered if possible.