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The Unbound Edition players now present the off-off-off-around-the-corner-and-then-28-more-blocks-off Broadway production of “New Amsterdam.”
(curtain up)
Scene: Morning at the Sterling Cooper offices. The boys are in Pete’s office listening to “The Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart.”
Guys: Hahahahaha. Woo-hee, this guy is funny!
Hildy: Your wife is here, Mr. Campbell.
Fun: I’ll be sucked out the room now.
Pete: Hello, Lovely.
Trudy: Hi. I apparently spent the morning fashioning an ill-fitting coat out of the couch upholstery.
Pete: Do we have a lunch date? Hildy can show you my appointment book. You know, you’re not supposed to be seen. Or heard, for that matter. And what is that in your hair, a precursor to the banana clip? Nice.
Trudy: Let’s go out. I want to show you something.
Pete: Oh hey, here’s Don.
Don: Hi. I’ll pretend to like your husband now.
Peggy: I’m standing here, too. I can’t wait to hear how Pete will introduce me to his wife. Maybe he’ll tell her that I’m the secretary he slept with the night before his wedding. That would be cool.
Pete: I’m looking at Peggy, but I’m not going to acknowledge her.
Peggy: No, really. What’s he going to say about me? I’m sure it will be something flattering.
Pete: Still ignoring you, Peggy.
Peggy: Well, this is uncomfortable. I’ll wave awkwardly and go back to my desk. And then I’ll drown my sorrows in rubber cement. Bastard.
Scene: Fancy pants apartment, somewhere in Manhattan
Trudy: So it’s 1,500 square feet with two nice bedrooms. It’s on the market for $32,000, but Elaine the realtor said we can get it for $30,000.
Pete: Um. I’ll remind you that I make $75 a week, Lovely. And you’re an idiot, so I’ll do the math for you. That’s $3,500 a year.
Trudy: Blank stare.
Pete: Lovely, you know I want to give you everything. Including the name “Lovely,” said in a most patronizing tone. But really, my whole salary is barely 10 percent down on this place.
Trudy: Duh. Like we really have to earn anything of our own. Our parents are rich. Now you go beg for money while I measure the windows.
Scene: Back at Sterling Cooper. Don runs into Paul and Rachel Menken in the hall.
Rachel: Why, Mr. Draper. I didn’t expect to see you back here, what with you having broken my heart and all. You’ll note that I’m wearing all black today. It’s one big funeral for my girlish dreams of riding off into the sunset with you, you horrible, philandering, married cad.
Paul: Well, this is awkward. Off I go.
Don: How are you? Other than the fact that your head looks like a chocolate dipped cone from Dairy Queen.
Rachel: Shut up. It’s my black mourning turban. Because you killed my ability to ever love again, you ass.
Don: I don’t want it to be like this.
Rachel: Duh. Me neither.
Don: Can we have lunch sometime?
Rachel: Screw you.
Scene: Betty walks the new dog down the sidewalk. A man is yelling on Helen’s doorstep.
Man: Helen! Open the door. I know you’re in there!
Betty: Move along, dog. Nothing to see here.
Man: Miss? MISS? I know you can hear me. I’m her husband. I need to see my kids. Can I use your phone?
Betty: No. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re who you say you are, but I don’t let strange men into my home. Other than my husband.
Scene: Betty’s house
Door: Ding dong.
Helen: I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed.
Betty: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Doodly doodly doo.
Helen: Um. I was at the window. My ex-husband was making a scene and you were there the whole time.
Betty: Oh, THAT. Doodly doodly doo. Coffee? So what happened?
Helen: He was a whoremonger. Every time he was in the city, he was with another woman.
Betty: Oh. I just meant, what happened tonight?
Helen: Liar. I know you and the other neighbors gossip about me.
Betty: Who? Us? No way. Doodly doodly doo.
Don: I’m home. Probably from whoremongering in the city. See ya.
Betty: He has to go right upstairs and have complete quiet for a while. He works so hard.
Audience: Yeah, whoremongering!
Helen: Oh wait. I have little kids. Guess I should go home and see if they’re still there.
Scene: The house of Pete’s parents
Pete’s dad: Well, the boat’s in the water. And I apparently killed a Century 21 realtor and stole his gold jacket to wear with these plaid shorts. Boy, do I have a cob shoved up my behind.
Pete’s mom: I hope you and Trudy come to Fisher Island this summer.
Pete: I’m just so busy at work.
Pete’s dad: Please. You don’t work. You just wine and dine people. Hey, I’m a racist!
Pete: We found an apartment.
Pete’s mom: Is it where other rich people live?
Pete: Of course.
Pete’s mom: Yay!
Pete: It’s expensive. Cough up some cash.
Pete’s dad: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Pete: What? You thought it was a good idea when Bud hit that girl on a bike last summer.
Pete’s dad: Too bad.
Pete: Why is it so hard for you people to give me anything?
Pete’s dad: We gave you everything. We gave you your name. And what have you done with it?
Pete: For one thing, I haven’t gone out in public with those shorts.
Scene: Sterling Cooper conference room. The team is presenting boards to Walter Veith of Bethlehem Steel
Walter: Woo-wee! I’m a country boy here in the big city. So what do you fellas have for me?
Don: The last time we talked, it was about how we all take steel for granted. Check it out: "New York City. Brought to you by Bethlehem Steel." We could do it for other cities, too.
Walter: It looks plain. Like a WPA ad. Or the opening credits to "Night Court."
Don: This is exactly what we talked about the last time you were here.
Walter: Well, um…
Pete: The ads suck. Give us another day and we’ll fix it.
Walter: Okee dokee. Bye!
Don: What in the hell was that?
Pete: He didn’t like it.
Don: You didn’t prepare him to like it. He was seconds away from going for it. Know your place, boy. I’m the ideas man. You’re supposed to get him on a boat. Get him into a swimming suit.
Audience: Walter? In a swimming suit? Bluh.
Pete: I have ideas. All the time. I came up with direct marketing. Well, someone else already had, but I came up with it independently.
Don: This place has more failed artists and intellectuals than the Third Reich.
Pete: Oooh. Good one.
Scene: Later that night. Pete and Trudy and having dinner with her parents.
Trudy’s dad: Lookee you and your big job, Pete. You’re living the life. See how different I am from you father? Look, I’m even wearing big boy pants!Trudy: Hey, dad, can we have a lot of money to buy an apartment?
Trudy’s dad: You betcha!
Pete: I have no balls.
Scene: That night at Helen’s house
Helen: Thanks for coming over to babysit while I stuff envelopes for the Kennedy campaign.
Betty: No problem. I can’t wait for you to leave so I can root through your drawers and judge you.
Glen: I’m playing the piano all sullen, like Lurch from “The Addams Family.”
Helen: Bye.
Betty: Oh, good. Now I can pry. I’ll be right back. You stay here and watch t.v. (Goes into the bathroom.) Yep. There are the birth control pills. Helen’s a tramp. Now I’ll lift up my 87 layers of skirting and pry off my girdle to use the toilet.
Glen: Hi. I’ll just let myself in. I’m going to stare at you now, if you don’t mind.
Betty: Get out!
Scene: Back in the living room. Betty turns off the t.v.
Betty: What do you have to say for yourself? That was very bad. That room is private.
Glen: I’m sorry. (Hugs her and looks a little creepy.)
Betty: It’s ok.
Glen: Your hair is so pretty. You look like a princess. Can I have some?
Betty: What? Ewww. No. Well, ok. SNIP!
Glen: I’m so totally going to grow up to be Buffalo Bill in “Silence of the Lambs.”
Betty: What?
Glenn: I said that I like movies about the wild west. Buffalo Bill was good with his hands.
Betty. Oh.
Glen: I’m going to make a lady suit for myself out of your skin.
Betty? Come again?
Glen. I said I’ll bet a tweed suit makes you look thin.
Betty: Yes, I do have a nice figure. Thank you.
Glen: It puts the lotion in the basket.
Betty: What was that?
Glen: I said I like my Easter basket.
Betty: Alrighty then. Off to bed you go.
Lock of hair: Please don’t leave me alone with this freak.
Scene: Later that night at a bar. Pete meets up with Walter.
Pete: Hi. I brought you a couple of tarts. Let’s pretend they’re my cousins.
Walter: Yee-haw!
Pete: Let’s get drunk. Hey, I have an idea for the campaign: “Bethlehem Steel: The Backbone of America.”
Walter: Whatever you say, boy. I’m horny. Yee-haw!
Scene: The next day in the conference room. Don and the team are presenting new boards to Walter with an “O Little Town of Bethlehem” theme.
Walter: They look kinda familiar.
Don: We’ve perfected the language.
Walter: I know this isn’t what you want to sell me, so don’t sell it so well.
Don: Huh?
Walter: “The Backbone of America.” Pete pitched it to me last night.
Don: Huh? Oh yeah. Nice work, Pete.
Walter: Yee-haw! Bye now.
Pete: I told you I had ideas.
Don: Good one. Enjoy it. Now I need you to go get a cardboard box and put your things in it.
Salvatore: You picked the wrong time to get an apartment.
Pete’s intestinal tract: Gurgle. Gurgle. Seize. Seize.
Scene: After the meeting in Roger’s office
Don: I just fired Pete Campbell.
Roger: Why?
Don: I was fixing the problem he caused for us yesterday, and he went out and pitched his own copy.
Roger? What? Let’s go tell Dad.
Scene: Therapist’s office. Betty’s on the couch.
Betty: It’s so sad to see Helen and her sad little life. I think she’s jealous of me. I’ve seen it before. I was in a sorority. Well, I can’t help it. But that poor boy. The person taking care of him isn’t giving him what he needs. Like a jar of my vital organs. Or my eternal soul.
Scene: Outside Mr. Cooper’s office. Don and Roger take off their shoes.
Don: Dude, you just shrank down about six inches. You’re totally wearing lifts!
Roger: I’m ignoring you.
Mr. Cooper: My office looks like the inside of Benihana. So what happened, Shorty?
Roger: Pete Campbell, a junior account executive, brought his own idea to a client. At a bar.
Mr. Cooper: I’m making a weird analogy between our work and a watch now.
Don: Huh?
Mr. Cooper: Have you noticed that I look and sound a little like Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars? Anyhoo, Pete’s mom is a Dykeman. Her family used to own this city. Don’t piss her off. We need to keep lil’ Petey around here for business.
Don: Oh, so he’s more valuable to the agency than I am?
Mr. Cooper: I’m making a weird sausage analogy now.
Don: Mmmkay.
Scene: Pete’s office. The door flies open, and Roger and Don storm in.
Roger: What you did is totally unacceptable. I wanted you out. So did Cooper. But Don fought for you. From now on, you live and die in his shadow.
Don: OK, I’ll play along with that.
Pete: You got it. Now if you’ll pardon me, I need to put my lower intestine back in.
Scene: Later that night Pete and Trudy’s new apartment
Trudy: Yay us and our new apartment. Yay my father for giving us the money so fast.
Pete: I have no balls.
New neighbor: Hi. I hear you’re rich and connected. Just wait until I tell my husband who your mother is!
Everyone: Let’s all stand around and impress each other with how rich we are!
Pete: I’ll go over here and look out the window. Maybe my balls are down there in Central Park somewhere. Sigh.
(curtain down)
OK, I can’t say I loved this episode, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. I’ve been griping a lot about the lack of character development, so I was very happy to at least get some background into why Pete is such a damn tool. His dad doesn’t respect his job, and he knows the only reason he’s at Sterling Cooper is because of his mom’s family connections, and he’s desperate to prove himself there. Good to know. I also liked how Roger totally played the whole "you're not fired" thing with Pete to make Don look good. As for Glen, well, the boy ain't right. And, yay, it does seem that we’re going to get to the bottom of this “Don Draper: International Man of Mystery” thing soon. I won’t ruin anything, but if you’ve hung around after the show to watch the cast and crew interviews, there have been some reveals about Don’s secret past. Oooh.
What are your reviews of this episode?
(For new viewers, visit the ADD Theatre productions of Episode 1, Episode 2 and Episode 3.)
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These are MAD Men. Ready for the Madness to ensue.
Awesome post.