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Pop open your boxes of Jujubes and Sno-Caps and enjoy today's two-minute production of "Mad Men: The Marriage of Figaro."
(curtain up)
Scene: Inside a commuter train. Don’s reading the newspaper and eyeing the now-legendary “Lemon” ad for the Volkwagen bug.
Chubby passenger: Dick? Richard Whitman?
Don: (blank look)
Chubby passenger: Is that you? As I live and breathe. It’s me! Larry Krizinsky. From the military.
Don: Yes, of course. (another blank look)
Chubby passenger: Call me. We should catch up. Ol’ Dick Whitman. What are the chances?
Don: Wow. I really am a brooding man of mystery. What’s up with that guy? Maybe it has something to do with that Purple Heart that I saw in my desk a few episodes ago. So am I Don or Dick? Do I have some kind of post-traumatic disorder where I don’t know who I am? And if I really am that other guy, can I please go by Richard and not Dick?
Scene: That morning at the Sterling Cooper office.
Everyone: Hey, Pete! How was the honeymoon?
Pete: Do I seem different? You know, since I actually had to sleep with my wife and not one of our secretaries.
Harry: Oooh boy, that wedding ring is like catnip now.
Pete: I’m a changed man, I tell you. I’m all committed to what’s-her-name now. And the more I say this with an earnest face, you just know I’m going to be chasing Peggy around the office wearing nothing more than a strategically-placed Post-It note any minute.
Peggy: Welcome back. Please throw me over this desk and have your way with me.
Pete: Hey, who put this Chinese family and a bunch of roosters in my office?
All: Aren’t we a bunch of culturally insensitive practical jokers? Sensitivity won’t be required at the workplace for at least 20 years.
Pete: Yay!
Scene: Later that morning at Peggy's desk
Pete: Um, hi. I’m back now.
Peggy: I see that. Please jump me. Right here. Right now.
Pete: I should be in that meeting in Don's office.
Peggy: Fine.
Pete: I’m married now.
Peggy: Yeah, I picked up on that.
Pete: Your hair looks weird.
Peggy: I know. Sometimes the ponytail is short and curly, and sometimes it’s long and stringy. I can’t believe the continuity expert on this show isn’t noticing it.
Pete: And when I showed up on your doorstep in a drunken stupor after my bachelor party, your bangs were a lot thicker.
Peggy: I know. That was a more flattering wig. This thing on my head today is just awful. Is it my real hair?
Pete: I think so. Bleck.
Peggy: No wonder you don’t want to sleep with me anymore. Fine, I’ll pretend it never happened.
Scene: Inside Don’s office
Don: So how is marriage?
Pete: Trudy’s sort of fun. I might not cheat on her for a couple of days. You know, we should get our wives together and all go out sometime.
Don: Fun times. Because you and I aren’t cheaters, and my wife isn’t a neurotic basket case or anything. Yes, let’s get right on that.
Scene: Later in the conference room at a meeting with Rachel Menken of Menken’s department store.
Rachel: Hello, boys. I apparently wandered through the wardrobe department of “Hello Dolly” on my way here today. My hat is huge and covered with feathers. Achoo.
Pete: I’m such an annoying sycophant today. Here’s a research guy, whom I will describe as having “more degrees than a Russian protractor.”
Research guy: Hello. I have a really fake English accent.
Don: Oops, there goes my cuff link, rolling toward you, Rachel. I’m going to make eyes at you now.
Rachel: And I’ll make eyes right back at you while I catch your cufflink.
Research guy: No, really. This accent is BAD. Like, Julia Roberts in “Mary Reilly” bad.
Rachel: So this is a competitive research report, and yet it seems that you failed to visit my store as part of your research.
Team: Um. Err. Duh. (put fingers to lips and make “blublublublub” sound)
Don: Don’t worry. I’ll fix it.
Rachel: Wanna come by the store tonight and flirt some more?
Don: Hell yeah.
Scene: That evening at Menken’s
Don: You changed clothes.
Rachel: This place is my closet. I’m wearing a leopard print blouse so I appear all wild and cat-like for you.
Don: Rowr!
Rachel: Let’s get you some new cufflinks out of this case. Hmmm. Sea horses. Crowns. Lucky dice. Ah, there. Medieval knights.
Audience: Oh no, she’s NOT making such an obvious “knight in shining armor” reference, is she?
Don: ‘Fraid so. Thanks, Rachel. I’m going to break your heart any minute because I’m a cad. But the freebies are cool.
Rachel: Let’s go up to the roof.
Don: OK. I sure hope we can make out up there.
Rachel: I’m sad and lonely. My mom died when I was born, and my only real friends are these security dogs.
Don: Don’t try to convince me you were ever unloved. I’m going to grab and kiss you now.
Rachel: Good. I didn’t get you those cufflinks for nothing, buddy. Hmmm. I don’t know what to say now.
Don: I do. I’m married.
Rachel: Cad. I want you off the account team. The rest of the guys can stay. Just not you. Now I’m going to get out the broom and dustpan and sweep up the shattered remains of my dreams of being with you. You can let yourself out.
Don: Mmmkay.
Scene: The next morning at Don’s house
Sally: Daddy! Wake up! It’s my birthday!
Betty: The party’s at 2 p.m. You need to put together the p-l-a-y-h-o-u-s-e.
Sally: I look like I’m about 7 years old. Really, shouldn’t I be able to spell “playhouse?”
Don: What? I need to put together a pony?
Sally: That spelled “pony?” Whee! Still, I hope someone got me “Hooked on Phonics” for my birthday. Or whatever the 1960 version of that is.
Scene: Later that morning in Don’s back yard
Don: Ok, I’m gonna build me a playhouse. I’d better get good and drunk.
Scene: That afternoon at the party. Betty and her friends gather in the kitchen to gossip.
Francine: I’m smoking and drinking while pregnant. We don’t know not to do that yet.
Betty: I invited Helen the divorcee.
Everyone: What? But…but…she’s DIVORCED. And she drives a Volkswagen. But sometimes she does this weird thing where she moves around the neighborhood on just her feet. We’ve never seen anything like it. It’s disturbing.
Door: Ding dong.
Helen: Hi. I’m wearing tight red pants, so in your world of stereotypes, I’m clearly a harlot. Fear me. And I didn’t have time to find all of my wrapping paper, so I had to wrap Sally’s present in Christmas paper. Get over it.
Betty: I am entirely rigid. I don’t know how to process the presence of Christmas paper in my house this time of year. I’m going to hold this gift like it’s a grenade.
Francine: I’m an anti-Semite.
Helen: I went to Paris on my honeymoon.
Betty: Oh yeah? Well, I went to Italy. And I kept my husband.
Audience: Just wait until you find out about Midge. And Rachel. And lord knows who else.
Francine: Um, Helen, when you do that thing on your feet around the neighborhood, where are you going?
Helen: You mean…walking? I’m not going anywhere. It’s just relaxing.
All women: What is this “walking” you speak of? We don’t understand. Stop scaring us and threatening us with your alien ways.
All men: Which one of us is gonna have an affair with Helen first?
Radio: I’m playing “The Marriage of Figaro” in the background. Because it’s a famous opera all about the wackiness of infidelity. By Mozart, a famed philanderer. I’m subtle.
Scene: Don’s back yard.
Don: I’m getting pretty drunk now.
Helen: What a bunch of bitches and jerks in there.
Betty: Oh no! That alien harlot is talking to my husband! If I don’t do something soon, they’ll be…they’ll be…WALKING together! I have to do something! Don, go get the birthday cake. NOW.
Scene: An hour later inside the house. Betty’s on the phone.
Betty: The woman at the bakery said he picked up the cake almost an hour ago. Do you think he had an accident?
Neighbor: What kind of idiot are you, woman? He’s not coming. He’s a world-class heel.
Betty: But what about the cake?
Helen: I might have a Sara Lee in my freezer.
Betty: Really? That would be so great. Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Wow, I hope they never use that for a tagline. It’s so lame with the double negative.
Scene: That night in Don’s car.
Don: I just woke up from a stupor. Where am I? Ah, yes. Running from my life.
Railroad crossing: Ding ding ding.
Train: Woo woo.
Scene: Later that night at Don’s house
Betty: I’m washing dishes with my Playtex Living Gloves. Where in the hell is Don? I’m so worried.
Betty’s hands: Anxiety alert! Let’s turn into numb crab claws again!
Betty: Cursed appendages! I can’t get these damn gloves off now.
Don: I’m here now.
Sally: Mommy, look! Daddy got me a doggy!
Golden retriever: Woof.
Betty: I don’t know what to say.
Don: Happy birthday, baby. I’m going to pass out now.
(curtain down)
Once again, I’m disappointed. The episode just dragged on and on. And we spent so little time at the agency. I’m not really sure what was going on with Don at the end. Did he run off and hook up with Mistress Midge? Was he considering killing myself at the railroad tracks? And is he Dick Whitman? Once again, enough with the stereotypes and blatant “Hey, it’s 1960, where people smoke and make offensive remarks and hit each other’s kids” reminders. My husband thought it was the best episode yet. I must be missing something. I did like the development of Rachel’s character, though. Still, I’m having a very hard time finding anyone to like or identify with.
“Mad Men” watchers, what did you think?
(Want more? Check out the Attention Deficit Theatre presentations of Episode 1 and Episode 2 of "Mad Men.")
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I missed the Marriage of Figaro on the radio.