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In preparation for tonight’s debut of "Mad Men" Episode 3: Marriage of Figaro, the Unbound Edition players proudly present the highlights of Episode 2: Ladies Room.
(Curtain up)
Scene: Fancy pants restaurant. Don and his wife, Betty, are having dinner with his boss, Roger, and his wife, Mona
Roger: I’m rich. Always have been. I had a nanny and everything.
Betty: Good for you. We’re climbers. Hopefully we’ll be as rich as you someday.
Mona: I’m married to the guy who plays Roger in real life. That’s pretty cute, huh? But I used to be married to George Clooney. I’m still kicking myself. Don: I don’t like to talk about myself. I’m all brooding and mysterious. I must have a dark past.
Roger: Our daughter goes to a shrink.
Mona: This hat looks like it’s too small for my head. Let’s go to the powder room.
Scene: Powder room of fancy pants restaurant
Betty: I’m a meltdown waiting to happen. I have two kids, a house, and my mother recently passed away.
Audience: Oh, honey, you don’t know the half of it. Wait until you find out that your husband has a mistress named Midge!
Betty: Oops. My hands are going numb. Now they’re just like crab claws. I can’t get this lipstick open. Can you help me?
Mona: Sure. I can’t believe I let George Clooney get away. Dammit.
Scene: The next day at the Sterling Cooper office
Peggy: Woo-hoo! I just got my paycheck. $35! Oh boy!
Joan: I’m going to patronize you now.
Peggy: Hey, look at fellow secretary Bridget sobbing away here in the ladies’ room.
Joan: Move along. Nothing to see here.
Scene: Don’s office
Don: Hey, lookee here at this new client assignment. Right Guard deodorant in a new aerosol can!
Account executives: Let’s act like a bunch of drunken frat guys!
Mr. Cooper: You’re all idiots.
Scene: Outside Don’s office
Mr. Cooper: We’re going to work on the Dick Nixon campaign.
Don: Dick Nixon
Roger: Dick Nixon.
Mr. Cooper. Dick Nixon. It’s fun to say that over and over. Dick Nixon.
Don: Dick Nixon.
Roger: Dick Nixon.
Mr. Cooper: Bye now. I’m going to walk away now and have the camera guy show you that I’m not wearing shoes. Because I’m old and eccentric.
Scene: Lunch in a cafeteria
Ken: I’m a nondescript account executive. Take the afternoon off so we can go and fool around.
Peggy: No thanks. I just slept with Pete after my first day. He’s on his honeymoon now, so I’ll just pine away for him.
Scene: Don’s house over coffee
Snotty female neighbor: Hey, a divorcee with two kids is moving in down the street. There goes the neighborhood.
Betty: Sucks to be her. I’m glad we don’t have a care in the world.
Audience: But you do! Don’s a philandering cad!
Scene: Betty driving down the street with the kids in the back seat
Betty: Oh, look at that poor divorcee moving her own boxes inside. No worries in my life, though, nosirree!
Betty’s hands: Not so fast, honey. Hey, look! We’re turning into the numb crab claws again. You just try to hold the steering wheel, sister!
Betty’s car: Don’t mind me while I run up into someone’s perfectly manicured lawn. THUMP.
Betty’s kids: Whee! Seat belts aren’t required by law yet. It’s fun to fall onto the floor of the car!
Scene: Apartment of Don’s mistress Midge
Don: Pant pant. Grunt grunt.
Midge: Pant pant.
Don: Hey, what’s that?
Midge: A television set
Don: Where’dya get it?
Midge: From someone. (picks it up and drops it out of the window)
Scene: That evening at Don’s house
Don: Sorry you couldn’t reach me earlier. I so wasn’t sleeping with an electronics throwing mistress or anything. How are you?
Betty: The doctor said it’s a nervous condition and I should see a shrink.
Don: Oh, please. People see shrinks when they’re unhappy. What could you possibly have to be unhappy about? It’s not like I have an electronics throwing mistress or anything.
Scene: Next day in Don’s office. The account team are presenting some Right Guard boards to him.
Paul: Here’s an ad with an astronaut. People like things that are all space age-y.
Don: Some people are scared of the future. They build bomb shelters and stuff. We should be asking ourselves…what do women want?
Salvatore: I don’t know, but I wish I had it. Seriously, could I BE more obviously gay? Are you all picking up on this yet?
Audience: Didn’t we cover the whole “what women want” thing with Mel Gibson in that movie where he wore pantyhose? He was an ad guy in that, right?
Don: I think women want a cowboy. Strong and quiet, bringing the cattle home safely.
Audience: Like the Marlboro Man?
Don: Women must have some mysterious wish we’re ignoring.
Scene: Lunchtime in the office
Paul: Let me buy you lunch and give you a tour of everywhere I plan to violate you.
Peggy: Golly.
Scene: Don’s office
Roger: Dick Nixon.
Don: What do women want? You said the other night that your daughter goes to a shrink.
Roger: No I didn’t. Besides, psychiatry is a fad.
Scene: Later that night at Don’s house
Don: Here’s a white gold watch for you. Not that I have anything to feel guilty about or anything.
Betty: I’m freaking out over the accident. Can I see a shrink now?
Don: Oh, OK.
Scene: The next morning at Midge’s apartment
Don: I’m calling in sick today. Let’s get it on.
Midge: I’m wearing an unflattering wig. But sure, let’s go for it.
Scene: That morning at the office
Peggy: Hi, Paul. My boss called in sick.
Paul: Let me kiss you. There. OK, now close the door so we can do it.
Peggy: Go away.
Joan: You totally screwed up these envelopes, Peggy. What’s your deal, other than your chronically unflattering hair?
Peggy: Why does every guy here want to jump me? I’m completely caught off guard by that, even though you told me it would happen and I got on birth control and let Pete jump me on my first day.
Joan: It’s just because you’re new. Enjoy it while it lasts, Frumpy.
Peggy: I’m going to cry in the bathroom. Dammit, there’s yet another secretary crying in here already. What is it with this place?
Scene: Psychiatrist’s office
Betty: I’m nervous. And smoking. And trying to look like Grace Kelly in “Rear Window” while I sprawl on the couch.
Scene: Midge’s apartment
Don: I’m basking in the afterglow. Woo-wee.
Midge: I’m going to make a trendy reference to Jack Kerouac now.
Don: You go, girl. Hey, I’ve got it. What do women want? Any excuse to get closer.
Midge: I'm wearing yet another unflattering wig.
Scene: Don’s house later that night. Don dials the phone.
Psychiatrist: Hi. I had a very interesting hour with your wife this afternoon. She’s a very anxious young woman. I think you’re doing the right thing.
Audience: Don’s a cad!
(Curtain down)
So, two episodes in, and I’m still not feeling it. Why are all of the critics raving? To me, it all comes off like a stage play. The set design is beautiful, but the actors are like cardboard. Characters are entirely one-note stereotypes. The men are all chauvinists and the women are all victims. And everyone is trying way too hard to remind us that it’s set in 1960. When people smoked nonstop and Dick Nixon wasn’t a dick yet. Yeah, we get it. Now give us something more substantial. Tonight’s the third episode, the tell-tale third date where we decide if we want to take it home with us, or just give it a polite hug and say our goodbyes.
p.s. if you want to catch up on Episode I, click here.
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