If you don’t have cable or an hour to spend watching AMC’s “Mad Men” each week, you’ve come to the right place. I’ve condensed the script to two minutes of key plot points, with added snarkiness as appropriate.

As very quick background, “Mad Men” is set in the world of Madison Avenue advertising in 1960. Our apparent protagonist, Don Draper, is a honcho at Sterling Cooper. Everyone smokes and drinks in the office. Men are men and women are objects in pencil skirts and perfectly lined red lips. According to AMC, “the series depicts the sexual exploits and social mores of this most innovative yet ruthless profession, while taking an unflinching look at the ad-men who shaped the hopes and dreams of Americans on a daily basis.” Here's the promo:

Newsweek says it’s “television’s best new drama.” Slate heartily disagrees. I’ve only seen the first episode, so I don’t have a strong opinion yet. It’s certainly beautiful to watch as a period piece, but I can’t yet judge the substance to go with that style. I’ll post on the second episode tomorrow, and then will be back on track with the next episode after Thursday. And now, the performance:

(Curtain up)

Scene: A restaurant. Everyone is smoking. Don is brainstorming ad copy on a cocktail napkin.

Don: Hey, waiter, what do you smoke?

Waiter: Old Gold.

Don: Not Lucky Strike?

Waiter: Nope. Anyhoo, Reader’s Digest says it will kill you.

Don: You’re no fun.

Scene: Later that evening at the apartment of Midge, an attractive brunette who illustrates greeting cards

Don: Boy, am I in trouble. The government’s totally screwing us with facts about how smoking is poisonous, so I’ve got jack squat to present to my client, Lucky Strike, tomorrow. I really hope they don’t fire us. Got any ideas?

Midge: I’m disinterested in your career. Let’s fool around instead.

Don: Mmmkay.

Scene: The next morning at Midge’s apartment

Don: Let’s get married.

Midge: I’m playing hard to get.

Audience: Something’s up with this guy. He just seems like a cad.

Scene: Later that morning at the office of Sterling Cooper, which is heavily populated by Rat Packy young men in suits

Pete: I’m getting married this weekend, but I look like the cheating, weaselly type. Oh, and I’m a corporate climber, so get out my way, Don. I so totally have my eye on your office.

Peggy: Hi, I’m the new, young, innocent secretary, fresh from Miss Deaver’s Secretarial School. Golly, I hope I never get corrupted by the people working at this big advertising agency.

Joan: Welcome. I’m a fiery redhead with a “been there, done that” face, so I’m probably a tramp. Here, let me show you around. This is an electric typewriter. And a telephone. And an intercom. Don’t be too overwhelmed by all of this technology.

Peggy: These short bangs are so unflattering. I looked so much cuter when I was Zoey on “The West Wing.” My kidnapping subplot was cool.

Joan: Yes, you’re dowdy. But you have pretty legs. You should dress like a tramp if you want to succeed here. Oh, and you should get on birth control.

Scene: Shortly thereafter at a doctor’s office

Peggy: Looks like I’m in for a whole lot of sexual harassment. Can I have some of that newfangled birth control?

Doctor: You betcha.

Speculum: Please stop showing me, Camera Guy. You’re creeping out the viewers.

Scene: Don’s office

Salvatore: Hi. I’m the obvious closet case. I can’t wait to get my own storyline, just like Dennis Quaid in “Far from Heaven.”

Greta: I’m the rare woman in an executive position. And I have an accent. Maybe it’s German. So you know I’m severe, too. Hey, this research I put together shows that people who love smoking have a death wish.

Don: I’m throwing your report in the trash now.

Scene: Client meeting in the conference room

Rachel: I’m an important client. I’m an anomaly because I’m both a woman and Jewish, and you’re all male WASPs.

Don: I’ll be a big jerk to you now.

Rachel: Wow. You weren’t kidding. Goodbye.

Audience: That Don is a cad, isn’t he?

Scene: Another client meeting in the conference room

Lucky Strike Client: I’m played by the guy who was Holling in “Northern Exposure.” My God, I’m still alive? Wow, that show was, like, 20 years ago, and I seemed old then. And yet I don’t look that much older now. Weird. So what do you have for me?

Pete: People who like your product have a death wish.

Lucky Strike Client: Shut your piehole, boy. I’m done with you.

Don: Hey now. Just wait. What makes Lucky Strike different?

Lucky Strike Client: Well, um, our tobacco is toasted.

Don: I’m going to write “It’s toasted” here on this chalkboard. Other companies’ tobacco will kill people, but this will make yours seem better.

Lucky Strike Client: Brilliant!

Everyone: Yay!

Scene: Pete’s bachelor party at a strip joint that evening

Pete: I’m a philandering jerk.

Salvatore: I’m making really obvious comments about being gay. Are you guys picking that up?

Scene: A restaurant that evening

Rachel: You were such a jerk to me in that meeting. But buying me this mai tai is making it all better. I’m single because I’ve never been in love.

Don: What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons.

Rachel: That’s smart. Sad, but smart. OK, we’re friends again. You can tell your boss that you charmed me. See you in Monday’s meeting.

Scene: Peggy’s apartment that night

Pete: Hi. I’m drunk and inexplicably managed to find your apartment. Can I come in and fool around? You know, since I’m getting married this weekend and all.

Peggy: Mmmkay. Good thing I’m getting on that birth control, eh?

Scene: Don’s house later that night

Wife: Hi. I exist.

Audience: A-ha! We knew Don was a cad.

Two little kids: Hi. We exist too.

Audience: A wife AND kids! Don is a total cad!

(Curtain down)

If you have watched “Mad Men,” what is your take on it?

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