Unbound Edition - The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming! And We Don’t Care.

Last Sunday, my mother-in-law asked, “What is up with all of the attention those Beckley people are getting?” “Beckley?” I asked. “Yeah, that British couple. There was a big to-do about them in this week’s Parade, and she has some show on t.v.” "Ah. Not Beckley. Beckham," I said.

The fact that the correct name didn’t even register with her after the publicity blitz David and Victoria Beckham have unleashed on America spoke volumes.

First, for my mother-in-law and others who don’t have a clue who these people are, the 60 second download: He’s one of the most famous football/soccer players ever. He shot to stardom in the late 90’s playing for Manchester United and being of England’s World Cup team. Then he was exported to Spain, where he played for Real Madrid for four years. He has tons of lucrative brand endorsements.

She, the former Victoria Adams, achieved stardom as Posh Spice (she pouted and wore black a lot) of the Spice Girls. After the girl group disbanded, she went on to have a modestly successful solo career despite having the vocal abilities of a turnip.

They got married in 1999 in a really humble ceremony. They are criminally good looking, are fashion icons, have weathered several well-publicized lapses in his fidelity, and have three adorable boys. The UK tabloids haven’t been able to get enough of them during the past 10 years. At this point, she’s mostly famous for being famous, and he’s being paid 250 meelion dollars over five years to singlehandedly make soccer relevant to the U.S.

But it’s apparently not enough to be filthy rich and have astounding levels of celebrity in other parts of the world. Over the past few months, the golden couple have orchestrated a “You’re gonna love us, America!” publicity campaign that has all of the subtlety of an anvil falling on Wile E. Coyote’s head.

It started last fall when Posh became overnight BFF’s with fellow Fembot and perpetual tabloid magnet Katie Holmes. By being seen with Mrs. Cruise at Paris fashion shows, she guaranteed her insertion into American media. Then came a new haircut and ridiculous (yet entirely expected) levels of press coverage.Dozens of paparazzi just happened to be waiting for them at the airport when they officially touched down on U.S. soil. Victoria appeared on “The Tonight Show” to hawk her reality show (more on that in a minute) and convince us that she’s just like any other wife and mother. W magazine gave them a full cover story, accompanied by the “I’m too sexy for my pants” photo spread.

And then there was a paparazzi-filled visit to Toys R Us, punctuated by little 2-year-old Cruz coming out in his daddy’s arms, holding a newly purchased American flag. Puh-leez.

All of this led up to the much publicized debut of "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America” on NBC on Sunday night. Originally planned as a multi-episode reality show documenting her immerson into life among the Hollywood elite, the network whacked it down to a one episode special. Only it wasn’t so special. Ratings were so dismal that it came in behind a repeat of “Wife Swap.” The critics and viewers were not kind.

David Beckham hasn’t even hit the field for the L.A. Galaxy, and America already is sick and tired of the celebrity couple we didn’t bother to get to know. There probably are a number of factors for the failed publicity blitz. On this side of the pond, we have so many sports, teams and athletes that we can’t possibly pay much attention to them beyond what happens on the field. And soccer certainly doesn't resonate with most of us yet. Oooh, and sorry, Victoria, but when it comes to self-absorbed, Mystic tanned grapefruit halves bolted onto broomsticks walking around on stilettos, Hollywood already is stocked up, thanks.

But I think the biggest reason for their failure to connect thus far with us is because America, being a democracy, wants to choose who becomes famous over here. We want to build the altar for our idols. We want to feel responsible for making (and breaking) celebrity careers. The Beckhams, on the other hand, were brought over to our table on a diamond-encrusted plate and shoved down our throats. And English food can be hard enough to stomach on its own, even more so when force fed.

What do you think? Will the king and queen of UK celebrity find loyal subjects in America?

Thanks for the end-of-day laugh
written by bryan, July 18, 2007 05:39 PM

"when it comes to self-absorbed, Mystic tanned grapefruit halves bolted onto broomsticks walking around on stilettos, Hollywood already is stocked up, thanks."

I'm not sure. I tend to doubt they'll get near the traction to live up to all the hype. I'm also not sure how much the Latino market in So-Cal, who the Galaxy/MLS seem to be banking on, will embrace Beckham.

I for one could give a rat's behind, but I'm not a big sports fan, much less a MLS fan.

farce
written by farting jim, July 18, 2007 09:49 PM

these people are windbags. hot air. self-promoters, yet he with constant injuries and not on the field; she with little talent other than pouting. painfully uninteresting. i also think they just don't look British. no grey teeth. no pork chops for ankles. no Camilla-esque Brill-o pad hair. we just don't know what to do with this import. too polished, too global, too empty. not british. just...air. a sweet cultural fart from Britania, but a fart no less.

Lighten up, Farty.
written by I'm a Limey, July 19, 2007 07:36 AM

Hey now. Ease up on your unkind and inaccurate stereotypes of the Brits. I don't think it has to do with a befuddled America, blinking dumbly, unable to reconcile blond (and highlighted bronze), tan bombshells with a collective mental image of Benny Hill or Prince Charles. Just say that Becks and Posh are boring, washed-up and have nothing to add to Hollywood's glitterati. Don't hate the players, hate the game.

Americans LOVE the British, constantly trying (and failing) to emulate the smart, acerbic wit, incessantly trying (and failing) to imitate a British accent with lame Ray Romano-esque attempts: "'Ello, Guv'na! Might I a get a spot of tea, cheerio!" It's so irritating.

And it's not about them being "imports" that are too polished, global and empty - if this were the case, why would anyone give a damn about Kate Moss or Gisella whatever-her-name-is, or Penelope Cruz? Or, for that matter, Madonna - who has forgotten that she is from Detroit. Most of Hollywood is full of windbags. Posh and Becks are no different or worse.

So seriously - take your grey teeth, porkchop ankle stereotypes and shove them.

cheerios?
written by BobDoleSez, July 19, 2007 08:49 AM

BobDoleSez: someone serving Cheerios?

Limey
written by Patrick, July 19, 2007 08:57 AM

'ello Limey. While I think you are right to call out the unfair stereotypes, isn't part of Farty's point that Britain represents to America something that IS smart, authentic and quite culturally defined? Just the opposite of "polished, global and empty"? America has PLENTY of the polished emptiness...we dont' want more of that boring thing (that is, more of "us") from England. Maybe?

Making love to the camera, or f*ing it?
written by Magazine Stains, July 19, 2007 09:29 AM

On a sidenote, did anyone else's jaw drop when they saw the, as Kristin puts it, “I’m too sexy for my pants? photo spread? That's another sticking point for me. Could you see Brad and Angelina doing that? I agree they're criminally good-looking, but you don't see celebrity couples doing softcore Brazilian motel porno-sex. It feels out of place for a woman who's trying to convince us she•s "just like any other wife and mother."

As American as Steve Carell
written by Damp Duvet, July 19, 2007 10:16 AM

Limey, the rest of Hollywood is full of windbags, but they're our windbags. My mother-in-law wouldn't know who Giselle and Kate Moss are either. Fashion is a niche industry that doesn't play to the doughy majority of this country.

It's not that they're British. It's that they are not American. Many other Hollywood stars are imports, but in those cases, say Ms. Cruz or Ms. Kidman, they came over here humbly, and we feel we made them stars. Egotistical? Yes. But what could be more American?

America admires that Britain (with some exception) managed to avoid the plastic perfection we've fallen victim to. So You Think You Can Dance’s Nigel Lythgoe and Cat Deeley are perfect examples. Nigel is pompous, yet distinguished. Certainly funky-looking, despite his millions. Cat is beautiful, but has a crooked nose and Bell's Palsy smile. Imperfect, yet dignified enough not to feel pressured to change. That's [why] America rips off everything British. We’re the prodigal nation that never returned home and recognizes that, while we’re a fine nation in our own right, we lack the most admirable traits of our parentland. Every time we try to copy you, the result just ends up all the more American. Take Madonna, for example. I agree the accent attempt is embarrassing. So is Madonna. But in her failure to obtain Britishness, she's all the more American.

Pardon me...
written by Angelina, July 19, 2007 12:55 PM

But is anyone going to acknowledge that Posh is not goodlooking, but rather a freak created by a combination of WAY too much plastic surgery?

Man-like features
written by bryan, July 19, 2007 01:18 PM

I'll second that, Angelina. I think Victoria looks oddly like a Victor. I WOULD in fact kick her out of bed for eating crackers. Not that she looks like she would be eating anything in bed, or anywhere else, for that matter.

Posh is 'like watching mould grow'
written by fergie, July 19, 2007 10:58 PM

:)

http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=57510&in_page_id=7

Lady
written by vicky, July 20, 2007 09:49 AM

Our humble apologies to the US for having to have such banality dropped into your laps. Posh most certainly is vacuous, vain and desperate. So desperate, she is making a complete fool of her husband who unfortunately is not clever enough to notice.
Actually I think Posh is starting to resemble Joan Rivers....Joan is gonna love that. We feel your pain.

class
written by jj, July 20, 2007 10:40 AM

Posh does look like a hooker. I find it so funny that she, looking the way she does with half her boobs hanging out of most outfits would insult Paris. Posh needs to get some class which she can not buy with hubbys' millions. I love how she claimed no one would catch her "without her knickers on" and now the paparazzi are all trying. Let's face facts, most model types do not wear panties under clothing that will show the panty line. My guess is Posh doesn't either otherwise hubby would not have had to put his hand in front of the camera when she was getting out of the car.

I also agree that most American Mothers are not having photographers take pics of them and hubby in underwear. Posh will do anything for attention and her insulting comment regarding being friends with Paris was also just to get her attention. Everything she does is to get attention. Who else wears heels to the soccer field? I feel very bad for her sons as they either are embarrassed or will be soon. Hopefully their Dad will make them proud.

She can't buy class but if she reads the responses Paris gives reporters when she is asked about others Posh might be able to learn something. Paris even forgives Sarah Silverman for the distastefull joke. But I for one hope Paris never becomes "pals" with this low class trashy woman called Posh.

Victoria Beckham
written by wawens, July 21, 2007 02:53 AM

Victoria Beckham is a new genre that is really major.
She is coming from a London cockney background, not
a laa dee daa personage. She could be a sandwich seller
if she wasn't in LA. Whether you like it or not, you are
going to be looking at her pictures and reading her witty
words of wisdom for years. Hee hee hee.

not true, wawens
written by author, July 21, 2007 06:37 AM

Victoria Adams was born to an affluent family. Her father drove her to school in a Rolls Royce, much to her embarrassment. She clearly has warmed up to the idea of being wealthy now.

Victorias childhood
written by wawens, July 22, 2007 07:32 AM

Oh I see, she was driven to school in a Rolls eh?
That is very interesting, thanks for that information.
I shall have to re-analize her now. Maybe she is a
snobby person pretending. Damn it.

personality change
written by author, July 23, 2007 11:53 AM

There's an interesting (and damn funny, thanks to Ali G) interview with Posh and Becks from several years ago here. She really used to be cute and personable, back before she became such a caricature:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P842Tmi6lrc

i hate her before but i have a change of heart
written by lovin, July 26, 2007 08:01 PM

i love her.

i agree with vicky
written by Crazy in Love, August 07, 2007 01:51 AM

Vicky, You couldn't have said it better.

Bullshit Arrives U.K 1st Class Delivery.
written by Patchy U.K, March 10, 2008 06:22 AM

The Beckhams would be a most suitable subject for a 'This Is Spinal Tap' style remake! All the ingredients are there, they've become a parody! The USA mainstream media and USA public don't give a damn about them! The Beckhams manically desperate and deluded attempts to get mass adulation from a comatose US public make their US 'adventure' a laugh ride for many an observer and UK citizen! They shamelessly thought they could treat the US like a cash cow unfortunately the US has seen through their greed and empty contrived bullshit! God Bless America!