Perhaps I’m just a stick in the mud, but it seems to me that branding doesn’t belong in certain places…especially funerals.  Don’t get me wrong.  The dead should be laid to rest in anyway they see fit.  For example, I would like to be shot out of a canon like Hunter S. Thompson.  Only rather than being cremated first like he was, I think it would be fun to have my corpse be a high-velocity projectile that landed the grave with a cold, deadened thump.  Perhaps I would don a cape and have my rigor-mortised arms stretched forward like Superman.  I think that would give my friends and family a true sense of closure, and hopefully get me one last laugh before partying it up in hell for all eternity for the terrible things I did as a skateboardin’, punk rockin’ teenager.

This seems almost as absurd to me as going into the ground in a Cardinals-emblazoned casket or having my ashy remains rest inside of a team-branded urn on my widow’s mantel (actually, my wife’s tastes in home décor would probably prevent the latter from ever happening).  After all, what if your favorite team ends up having perpetual bad luck for the next century, like the Cubs?  The worms would think you were such a loser.        

If there are any sports fans out there who are considering a baseball-branded casket or ashtray as part of their funeral plans, I’d love to hear from you.  Perhaps I can talk you out of making one last bad decision.